I have hurt my knee

And can barely walk. But why let that get in the way of a good joke?

Here's one I came up with the other day.

What do you call a racist entertainer?

A ku klux clown.

Oh yes. Off to casualty in a few minutes. Gotta keep the humour going!

If only I was doing stand-up today...

My opening gag would be something like this:

'Hello, and to my. I it. Thing is, jokes, if you, stuff.

Oh sorry, I was doing my routine in the style of MP's expenses forms released the other day.'

Or something like that. I don't know really.

Film idea

So yeah.

Haven't written here for a bit as I was concentrating on passing my driving test which I passed. Excellent.

Anyway, after watching The Hangover, I have decided to try and come up with a hilarious film premise. So far, I have failed. But i'm sure I'll think one up soon enough.

In the mean time I shall leave you with this joke that I came up with way way back.

Q: What do you call and red head who invades the world?

A: Gingerskahn.

Radical.

A stand-up thought

I had a thought tonight. Yes, a real one. My thought surrounded the start of world war 3 and what I'd do if it ever happened. I'd like to say I put lots of thought into whether I'd sign up or not but I didn't. It took about 3 seconds for me to come to the conclusion of 'fuck that'.

I wouldn't of course, not be helping at all. I would just help the war effort in other, less dangerous ways. I'd offer to protect Bournemouth beach for instance. Deckchair, sunglasses and suncream included. During Winter and at night time, I'd probably hire someone to do it for me. I wuldn't not do anything during Winter either though, oh no!

During Winter, I'd pop over to Australia and protect the allies beaches. That's me, going that extra mile, or in this case, 10,650.6 extra miles on top of that original mile. All for free to the British taxpayer in exchange for a nice flight over.

The probem with modern warfare these days is that there just isn't a checkpoint, is there? You can't respawn if you make a mistake. You can't work out that you have been fighting for 4 or so hours and are therefore halfway through the war. I say that's a problem with mordern warfare but it's pretty much a problem with all warfare, ever invented.

Unless of course you own a time travelling DeLorean, in which case you can kind of work out exactly what will happen.

"Ah, this is Dunkirk, this is a hard level!"

Talking of Back to the Future, I have a problem with that film. Well, the second one anyway. I recently watched it and had to re-watch it to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. But seriously, if you watch it really closely there is a massive mistake. Huge. They go to 2015 and not once did Marty McFly shake.

Seriously though, if Michael J Fox doesn't win the Oscar in 2015 for that performance, he'll have been robbed. Which incidentally, is a lot easier to do to him these days. Except in an Earthquake, that puts everyone on a level playing field. In fact, if there is an earthquake then it gives a chance for Michael J Fox to steal from others.

How would you know if he is scared of a horror film?

"He's shaking!"
"He does that anyway...Michael, I want a drink, here's some flavoured milk and ice cream. See what you can make with those ingredients."

Truth be told, not a lot. I thought milkshake and you no doubt thought the same. No. It went everywhere.

So yeah, I've given Michael J Fox a lot of flack here, somewhat harshly. But ah, he should be able to shake it off.
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So there you go. As i started writing this, I had only got up to the Bournemouth beach part. I have actually written a good minute or two of material there. That I'll doubtfully ever use. Whoops. But if people actually do find this funny then...who knows, one day.

Writing a film - here's a joke

I am currently writing a film script just because, well, because I can really.

But here is a joke that if i ever take to the stage I shall use as an opening gag. Perhaps.

"You know I've been thinking a lot about the world recently and you know what's great?...........Me."

Ah, arrogance. I suppose I'd follow this up with something on positive thinking. Maybe say it's be great if Gordon Brown thought positively but it must be hard to do with his surname. Brown. It's one up from beige, the most dull colour of them all. Then i'd talk about hwo brilliant it'd be if he was called Gordon Pink or Gordon Orange. then who knows, with a little more effort I could end up talking about the Reservoir Dogs being involved in British Politics.

I just came up with that as I was writing. I quite it like it. Hmm...

Joke - Opening Line

Here is an opening line I think might work in order to get the audience on your side instantly.

"Hello, I just want to start by saying that you are all very good looking people. You are probably sitting there thinking that i say this to every audience and , well, you would be right. But I want to go on to say that I actually think you are better looking than God. Some think this is a controversial thing for me to say but we all know that God made man in his own image and all I am going to say is evolution happens for a reason."

Not sure if my last line though should be:

"God made man in his own image and we all know what our ancestors looked like." (Optional "Horrendous" after a long pause.)

So that is that.

Two Sketches

As said in the previous post below which I only posted a few minutes ago, so you won't have had time to read it...here are two sketches I wrote last night. enjoy! And if you don't enjoy them, well...tough.

St Peter

St Peter: Enjoy your stay in Heaven.

Man: Hi.

St Peter: Hello Welcome. Enjoy your-

Man: Pete isn’t it?

St Peter: Haha, SAINT PEE-TER, I think you’ll find. Enjoy your-

Man: No, yeah, Pete.

St Peter: SAINT PEE-TER.

Man: Yeah, whatever. And this is heaven yeah?

St Peter: It is indeed.

Man: Ever been inside?

St Peter: Heaven? No, no, no. I guard the gates here you see.

Man: Ah right. Very commendable.

St Peter: Thank you.

Man: So what’s it like inside?

St Peter: Well it’s Heaven isn’t it? So it’s paradise, from what I hear.

Man: So what, you never take breaks? Relieved by someone else?

St Peter: No I...full time. You know how it is.

Man: Yeah but surely you must get some breaks?

St Peter: Umm...no. Someone has to guard the gates.

Man: Yeah well you could get cover?

St Peter: Well I’m guarding the gates...

Man: Yeah but what do the others do?

St Peter: Others?

Man: Yeah, Jesus and the crew.

St Peter: Well Judas...

Man: No, I know about Judas but the others. Where are they?

St Peter: Well they-they...

Man: They’re in Heaven aren’t they? Living it up large in paradise whilst you guard the gates. These are supposed to be your friends.

St Peter: Well they are...

Man: Doesn’t sound like it.

St Peter: Well the gates need to be guarded.

Man: Why do they? Don’t you get sent straight to Hell if you’re going there and straight here if you're going to Heaven?

St Peter: I...I guess.

Man: And why guard the gates? There’s no fence, so anyway can go in.

St Peter: Well it’s tradition.

Man: It’s a disgrace is what it is. How long have you been guarding these gates for?

St Peter: Thousands of years...

Man: And how long are you guarding them for before you are allowed into Heaven??

St Peter: Well, for eternity.

Man: Ouch man. That’s a bad deal. Still, better luck next time, eh? Nice chatting. Have a good day.

Man walks through the gates leaving a very upset St Peter at the gates.

St Peter: Welcome, enjoy your stay in Heaven...

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The Not-so-Good Samaritan

A man lies dying on the floor.

A priest walks by.

Man: A priest! Help me!

The priest walks on.

A levite walks by.

Man: A levite thank God! Help me!

The levite walks on.

A Samaritan appears.

Man: Help me!

Samaritan: I shall indeed help you, my child.

He walks towards the dying man. His phone goes off. He answers it.

Samaritan: Hello, Samaritans? A man in trouble? I’ll be there!

The Samaritan turns to the dying man.

Samaritan: Sorry, I’ve got to go.

Samaritan walks off.

David Blaine appears.

David Blaine: Hi, I’m David Blaine. I’ll help you.

Man: Screw that.

Man dies.

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And so there we have it. Two sketches. Not sure if the David Blaine things works or not. Who knows.

Edit: My brother wants some credit for the latter sketch. So I gave him 25 man points. Ho ho ho, etc.

Random Joke - War

Hello everyone. I have noticed my clock is wrong when I post suff. I should edit that but I kind of like the idea that people think I am sitting there at my desk all night long straining to come up with a joke until at 5am I suddenly find some inspiration. Or alternatively I wake up at 5am and think to myself, "I have it! This is it! Must post!" and run to the computer and immediately type it up.

Anyway I have come up with a joke about war, what with it being D-Day celebrations and all. Typical comedy subject of course. War. I say that I have come up with it. That implies I came up with it today. I haven't. It's very old. I have just never written it down.

Anyway it involves the trench wars. You know, like world war one. And I have never really understood world war 1 and the like. It's like I can har you now wanting to scream at me, "What?! You can; understand men wanting to tear each other apart, fight to the ground and ultimately be responsible for their last gasping breath?!" Not at all. I understand that bit clearly. It's the whole trench bit i don't get.

Because...someone has had to dig that trench. Literally, I imagine, hundres of men have dug out that trench. But at what point did the officer say stop to his troops and demand they dig? Isn't the aim of war to push on and defend as much of your land as possible?

"Non. 'Ere will do. Dig." (He's french...speaking english)

But then what if both sides met each other before trenches had been dug? Would they just fight? Or give each other 3 days to dig as much as they could and then the fighting begins? The mind boggles. Hell, what if one side had not brought shovels?

"You didn't bring a shovel to war?!"
"Well, no...I mean once I'd packed the football..."
"Why the hell did you bring a football?"
"Thought we could have a bit of a kickabout..."

Anyway that is that for now. Rough stages as all these jokes are...I wrote two sketches yesterday. I'll upload them too in a few minutes.

New Joke - Opera

Okay, this is a joke I came up with earlier when basically talking to myself. It isn't good but is meant as some kind of opening joke for standup (if I could ever get the nerve to do it.)

'Hello, hello hello, HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (opera style singing) - yes I sometimes break into opera when on stage. Actually, I also once broke into an opera when I was younger and a bit of a jack the lad type. My friend and I, we broke into the Bournemouth Opera House, which is a beautiful building if you have never been. Anyway we found the safe, cracked it and were escaping with armfuls of cash. As we were making our getaway though, the police entered and my friend had foolishly brought a BB gun with him. Now, the officers saw this and understandably took it to be a real gun and they fired a shot at us. Now they missed thankfully but we were so taken aback we thrust the money into the air, and a cloud of cash enveloped us. The officers, thinking this was still a high security breach fired for us once more, and luckily only managed to hit the high notes.'

For some reason I like it. A beautiful crappy joke to start a set.

Topical Joke - AF 447

Here is a topical joke I came up with yesterday. It is perhaps n bad taste and as a result controversial, but for some reason I really do like it.

"So you may have heard this week about flight AF 447. The Air France flight of course tragically crashing into the Atlantic during a flight from Brazil to France. A sad case for all involved I think you'll agree. However, I'd like to point out that good things can come out of situations like this, for example the case of Raoul Domingues, a young lad from Brazil who was scheduled to be on that flight. I say scheduled to be on that flight, I of course mean in the luggage depot. However Air France ultimately lost the luggage that he was illegally contained within and he ended up in Gatwick airport. So...every cloud..."

As you can see, it's on dodgy ground but for some reason I rather like it...

The Nap Is Back

Recently I have been at wrok writing for a campaign entitled, The Nap Is Back. The presentation went extremely well today, with the Channel 4 Head of Talent in the audience finding no negatives to the campaign. She stated it was perfect for E4, witty, fast-paced, brilliant dialogue, very funny and surreal and an excellent presentation.

As you can imagine, we were very proud of this. I wrote and starred in the presentation and wrote the campaign videos seen below. Hope you enjoy them!



18 second trailer for 80's video.



1.20 min 1950's video.



3.05 min 1980's video.

So there you go. That's science!

Sketch - Crabbing a Car

So every now and again, I write bits for a sitcom idea I have had for a while involving Gary and Steve. They form the basis of a sitcom called Alright, of which I have written two episodes. It's a surreal comedy I guess. Anyway here is a snippet from the third episode of just one of their conversations...

Gary: Alright

Steve: Not bad. You?

Gary: Yer, just got back from crabbing a guy’s car. Y’know the guy down the road who was pissing me off?

Steve: Crabbing his car?

Gary: Yer just putting crab all over his car basically.

Steve: What does that achieve?

Gary: Well just imagine you found crab paste spread all over your windscreen and roof.

Steve: That’s a pretty expensive way to get your own back.

Gary: It’s about a five pound fifty prank.

Steve: Cool, well fair enough. I was just going to go out. Want to come?

Gary: Where?

Steve: Just out. Town, maybe.

Gary: Yeah okay.