Shakespeare

The following passage is something I wrote in an email the other day. I quite like the idea...

"I am not sure I could stand up for a Shakespeare play. They are rather long. I admire them, yes but I'm not captivated by him. I don't think I understand half of the words used. Or I do, he just has a very slow way of getting to the point. Probably because he had to write the dictionary to get his point across as he has apparently provided the English language with more words than anyone else. If he had to write the dictionary as he wrote a play, how did any of the audience ever know what was going on too? Or the cast. Nobody knew what was going on. I bet early performances came with a glossary. And even that came with a second glossary as he used fake words in the first glossary. And it carried on ad infinitum."

So there we go. Adios for now...

Mouse Trap Execution

Following in the footsteps of my recent (let's face it )quite intriguing posts, I have decided to continue the tradition. Recent posts are below. Suicide bombers, rape and interesting musing on school massacres and Cluedo in the McCann family. Classic stuff.

So now I am going to put forward a revolutionary idea for you to consider.

Mouse Trap Execution.

Some of us are against the death penalty, and some are for it. And some aren't really sure...maybe it should be for the worst murderers only, but the rest can rot in jail. Well here is a 'fun' way to solve the problem.

Mouse Trap Execution.

It's simple. Any criminal on death row is sent for execution. Every execution is done by electric chair. And if you don't like that, tough. You lost the right to choose when you shot that lady in the head Mr Death Row. And you have probably had enough needles to last a lifetime. I don't want you thinking your death is some kind of last minute heroin shot. (I digress into stereotype. Apologies.) Anyway, the electricity only occurs once the mouse trap has been completed.

I may be losing you. I apologise again. Remember that game you played as a kid? Everyone picks a coloured mouse...and the losers all get trapped in a cage once you do the whole turn the cog wheel...ball...hand..diver in bucket thing...

Well... that.

Mouse Trap only ever worked about a third of the time. Maybe less. So sit the criminal down, make them turn the wheel and let Mouse Trap decide. If it fails then the guy on death row lives out his life in jail. If it works then the bloke dies, but we all get to revel in the fact that Mouse Trap actually worked.

The diver actually hit the bucket! (That was always the one that'd screw it up...) And a murderer is dead! Yay!

You could bet on it too, bringing in much needed revenue to the country.

So ladies and gentlemen trust me on this. Mouse Trap Executions are where it's at.

Now who's with me?

Stupid Sayings

Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.

The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?

When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.

So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.

The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?

EVER?

EVER?!

Yes, ever.

Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.

Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.

That last bit is pretty important...

Writing a film - here's a joke

I am currently writing a film script just because, well, because I can really.

But here is a joke that if i ever take to the stage I shall use as an opening gag. Perhaps.

"You know I've been thinking a lot about the world recently and you know what's great?...........Me."

Ah, arrogance. I suppose I'd follow this up with something on positive thinking. Maybe say it's be great if Gordon Brown thought positively but it must be hard to do with his surname. Brown. It's one up from beige, the most dull colour of them all. Then i'd talk about hwo brilliant it'd be if he was called Gordon Pink or Gordon Orange. then who knows, with a little more effort I could end up talking about the Reservoir Dogs being involved in British Politics.

I just came up with that as I was writing. I quite it like it. Hmm...

Sketch - Crabbing a Car

So every now and again, I write bits for a sitcom idea I have had for a while involving Gary and Steve. They form the basis of a sitcom called Alright, of which I have written two episodes. It's a surreal comedy I guess. Anyway here is a snippet from the third episode of just one of their conversations...

Gary: Alright

Steve: Not bad. You?

Gary: Yer, just got back from crabbing a guy’s car. Y’know the guy down the road who was pissing me off?

Steve: Crabbing his car?

Gary: Yer just putting crab all over his car basically.

Steve: What does that achieve?

Gary: Well just imagine you found crab paste spread all over your windscreen and roof.

Steve: That’s a pretty expensive way to get your own back.

Gary: It’s about a five pound fifty prank.

Steve: Cool, well fair enough. I was just going to go out. Want to come?

Gary: Where?

Steve: Just out. Town, maybe.

Gary: Yeah okay.