Pacman Remembered radio sketch

The following is a long sketch I wrote for radio the other day... It does help if you have a basic knowledge of the world of Pacman.



Reg Murphy: Hello and welcome to another all new edition of What’s Behind the Game?, the documentary series which takes a look back at popular gaming series of the past. Tonight we venture forth into the murky world of the popular arcade classic, Pacman. We meet its stars and discuss the goings on of how they made the game. From the outside it appears to be just another video game, but upon removing the exterior and hearing the stories from those involved, a much more interesting picture begins to emerge. Sit back, relax and enjoy their memories of a game fraught with tension from the very start.

Pause and then come into the dialogue as though the person has been talking for a while and his interview has been edited down.

Pink Ghost: ...Yes I was, yes. I remember it vividly, almost like it was yesterday. I went into the room and I saw the costumes laid out there and I remember thinking I had clearly been set up. I was lead to believe when I signed up that I would be a white ghost...

Pink Ghost’s chat fades out.

Interviewer: He seems to think he was meant to be a white ghost.
Pacman: I wouldn’t know. I had nothing to do with the ghost costumes. I simply put on my yellow orb costume and went for it, you know? I wouldn’t be surprised if he complained though. I do remember him complaining a lot.

Fade back to Pink Ghost’s interview.

Pink Ghost: I know was a little aggressive at the time perhaps, but I had been conned! They tried to sell my costume as salmon coloured. It’s not, it’s pink. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you? And...I think it was clear to me, since meeting the others that I was the ‘joke’ of the pack if you like, never truly accepted and I think they ruined my costume as a result of that.

Fade out...

Red Ghost: I think that’s nonsense.

Interviewer: You think that’s nonsense?

Red Ghost: I do, yes. I do. There was never any malice from me certainly, I can’t speak for the blue ghost or the orange ghost obviously, but from my point of view, there was never any problem that I had with the salmon coloured ghost.

Interviewer: He claims you may have put his white costume with your red costume, in the wash?

Red Ghost: No that’s utterly ridiculous. I had nothing to do with the washing.

Fade out...

Pacman: I think what happened, umm, from what I can gather, at least...is that the costumes of the four ghosts were arranged to be red, white, orange and blue but there was something that happened between the four of them which meant that wasn’t the case.

Fade out...

Pink ghost: I was annoyed. I was. I can’t deny it. Have you tried wearing pink in public? You haven’t? Well...

Fade out...

Orange ghost: Has he? I remember that vividly. The costume situation. Yeah. The original wardrobe malfunction as it’s called. But I think I am the only person that genuinely know what that was all about. From memory the blue ghost, was extremely good friends with the developer of the game and when I was looking for my orange costume one day I did over hear their discussion, which I have to say, made a lot of sense to me.

Fade out...

Interviewer: The orange ghost says you may have been to blame for the pink coloured ghost costume?

Blue ghost: Me? I don’t know where he got that from! No! No, it wasn’t me...

Fade out...

Orange Ghost: I remember it vividly. Umm, I was looking for my costume, which was often misplaced by the yellow orb, as we used to call him. And that often made us more aggressive when filming the actual gameplay, it made us more intent to catch him...but I digress, I turned the corner and the blue ghost has some ‘issues’ I think you could say with a white hooded figure chasing down a character who could, if you shortened their name, be referred to as ‘packie’.

Fade out...

Pacman: I don’t remember that. I don’t remember anybody calling me that. No. I wouldn’t have been offended though. Why would I? It’s just a shortened name surely? No, what I used to get offended by was when they would call me

Instant cut to

Pink ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yeah, we did call him that. We did. In hindsight was an extremely stupid thing for a guy in a pink hood to be saying to a character twice his size.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yes. It was great.

Fade out...

Red ghost laughs.

Red ghost: Oh my days! I’d forgotten about that! I had! The rolling yellow boulder. We did call each other a lot of names actually. It was a very difficult production though. Very heated. Very early on, I remember thinking, this guy in yellow is gonna blow. He needs something to calm him down.

Fade out...

Orange ghost: It’s important to remember we were working long hours down there in that maze, with only neon blue lights to guide us, really. I mean once he’d rolled over those floor lights they disappeared. We used to joke that he used to break them rather than the pressure system which would remove the ‘pills’ I believe they are called, from the game.

Fade out...

Pacman: There were a lot of joke about my weight, yes. I was on the verge of leaving at one point but then they agreed to my request to flip the scenario, every now and again and allow me to chase them.

Fade out...

Pink ghost: I think he could have been gay. I did think that for a long time and really did worry me, wearing that pink shirt.

Fade out...

Interviewer: I mean, you were the blue ghost anyway.

Blue ghost: I was... exactly!

Fade out...

Red ghost: He did used to complain.

Interviewer: He did?

Red ghost: Well...you have to remember it was different for me. I was wearing red, so the change was noticeable. And orange and salmon were the same. But I don’t think the blue ghost ever wanted to change his cloak over because it was just a different shade of blue.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: Annoyed? I was furious! Do you have any idea how easy it is to change over the cloak? And they wanted it done quickly. It just seemed pointless to me, I mean...red to blue, fair enough. Orange or salmon to blue...again, fair enough. But blue to ...blue? And then when caught we had to run back to base, and turn it over again back to our normal colour. So I literally went from blue to blue to blue to blue. Ridiculous. I mean, whose idea was that?

Fade out...

Pink ghost: I did laugh at the time. I did, yes. I found it very funny simply because he then knew what I was going through with my own personal costume problem.

Fade out...

Pacman: It did make him easier to catch than the others, yes. Because sometimes he wouldn’t be able to see which shade he was putting back on. It’s very difficult in that light. Especially towards the end of a level when there wouldn’t be many of the lights left shining.

Fade out...

Interviewer: Was there any sexual tension within the group?

Red ghost: Oh yes. The fruit. The fruit were played by women. Strawberry, cherry, you name it, it was a female. And all of the ghosts used to run about trying to attract their attentions but obviously it was too much of a done deal really.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: Yes. The cherries. She was quite a looker. And the strawberry too.

Fade out...

Cherry: We only had eyes for the one character, I think.

Strawberry: Yes. We were young, carefree and to be honest, if you could wander off with the lead singer of a band or the drummer, who would it be?

Fade out...

Orange ghost: Pacman. Everytime. They would always go for the rolling yellow boulder. But then they had more time with him. During the actual gaming part of the production, we had no reason to roll anywhere near the fruit so.. he naturally had an advantage to woo them.

Fade out...

Pacman: It was wonderful! It was! I can’t deny it. Cherry, strawberry, hell sometimes even the kiwi. It was great.

Fade out...

Interviewer: Did you ever have any success with the fruit?

Pink ghost: No. No...but I was wearing a pink hood you have to remember.

Fade out...

Interviewer: One final question to you all. Do you understand how the portal worked from walking out of one side of the maze and ending up instantly on the other?

Cherry: Well, we were the fruit, so I only ever heard about it from pacman.

Fade out...

Strawberry: I saw it once. I did. Kiwi once said she went through it but I don’t think she was telling the truth. We never had any reason to ever go anywhere near it.

Fade out...

Red ghost: I used to love going through there. I really did. I used to imagine myself as some kind of red mist...just...oh I loved it.

Fade out...

Pacman: No. I have no idea how it worked. But the costume used to slow me down. And it was a tight squeeze. The boulder name, looking back, was a fair description. I was huge.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: I think it was just some teleportation device I think. I don’t know. I’m still furious about that blue to blue thing, you’ve reminded me about.

Fade out...

Orange ghost: The tunnel? I have no idea how that worked. I heard rumours that the blue ghost has fixed it or something, but I don’t know. Very impressive piece of engineering though.

Fade out...

Pink ghost: How did the portal device work? Witchcraft. No question, witchcraft. I wouldn’t put it past the red ghost to have created that. He ruined a perfectly costume for me. I mean...salmon?!

Fade out...

Reg Murphy: So there we have it. The cast of pacman talking there about their experiences. That’s all from me, I hope you enjoyed it, but take some pleasure from the sneak preview of next week’s show, which will focus on Pong. Goodnight.

Fade out...

Pong Ball: Yes it pissed me off being the ball! I was whacked left, right, left, right. It was a relief when one of them missed me. A horrible time Horrible.

A sketch - The Chat

So I have had a disagreement over the inclusion of a sketch in a radio show. I think it's hilarious. They don't think it'll work. Judge for yourself.

Note that the two main voices sound like lower class chav style voices.

The Chat

Ringing...

Dazza: Hello is that-

Jase: Dazza?!

Dazza: Jase? IS that you?

Jase: Oh mate! How’s it going? What’s up man?

Dazza: Oh this is mental! Haven’t spoken to you in what...a while. God!

Jase: Yeah so what’s going on dude?

Dazza: Well you know, this and that. Got a new bird on the go. Clarissa. She’s top man.

Jase: Ace.

Dazza: Yeah and err...living in Weston Road. Nice little place there. Hooked up the old hi-fi the other day. Pretty sweet.

Jase: Nice, nice...

Dazze: So what about you Jase, me old man? How’s it going?

Jase: Oh mate! Oh mate, OH MATE! What can I say? Life is good! Got a kid!

Dazza: A kid?

Jase: Yeah! With Gemma. Felix. He’s cute as hell. Ah man.

Dazza: That’s great! Proper good, dude.

Jase: Yeah...oh God we should have a beer!

Dazza: Yeah, that’d be awesome. Oh man! My old buddy Jase on the phone! (to someone else) My old buddy Jase! Come say hi..come on.

Lisa: I don’t want..hello?

Jase: Haha! Oh God! Hello?

Pause.

Dazza: Me again mate! Oh that’s Lisa! Work colleague. Oh she’s scowling at me now. Proper scowling! Ah she’s mental.

Jase: Classic mate, classic.

Dazza: Yeah! So where were we?

Jase: A beer!

Dazza: Yes! Do you still know Ricky B?

Jase: Yeah.

Dazza: Text him man. He’s got my number. I mean I should probably be telling you about this thing anyways.

Jase: Oh, I guess so then. What’s the deets?

Dazza: (suddenly serious) right we need an ambulance over to 43 Wellington Road. Possible cardiac arrest. 50 year old male with breathing problems and we need an ambulance there quick.

Jase: On my way.




So that's it. Maybe I'm biased but I think the punchline is really pretty strong. But I want to know...It doesn't make to much difference as I'm taking it to Edinburgh but yeah...

Ex-Nazi

It's a cruel place to get comedy from, but I shall try anyway!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8364447.stm

The headline reads - 'Ex-Nazi' charged with 58 murders.

Now...how does one go about becoming an Ex-Nazi? Is it the moment Hitler died, he went, "I guess that's that, then." And hung up his cap.

Or is as he was at a holocaust camp and was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.

"Err, Hans (no stereotypical names with me), what are you doing?"
"Oh shit...I've...I've become a Nazi haven't I?"
"Yes, Hans. Yes you have."
"Ah shit. From now on..I shall be an ex-Nazi!"

And from then on, he put Ex-Nazi on his CV? Wouldn't there be a glaring 6 year gap on the CV?

"So..1939 to 1945, what was going on?"
"Err...oh is that not on there? I do apologise, they should be there."
"Well what were you doing?"
"Err..Human Resources..in Berlin."

Harsh but...well just harsh probably. But I like it.

Stupid Sayings

Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.

The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?

When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.

So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.

The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?

EVER?

EVER?!

Yes, ever.

Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.

Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.

That last bit is pretty important...

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Here's something I was thinking about the other day. I was doing some vague wikipedia-based learning and happened to click on the link for David Carradine, Bill in the Kill Bill films. Presumably you know, but if you don't he died recently from the classic death of autoerotic asphyxiation.

For those of you who don't know, autoerotic asphyxiation is, in the most basic terms, essentially achieving a better orgasm by cutting off the Oxygen supply to the brain. Now, one way men do this, if you wanted to try it out, is by putting a noose round your neck casually, then putting a sliced orange in your mouth, wanking like a monkey at the same time as increasing the pressure against your neck from the noose and THEN, as you are passing out, you bite the orange in your mouth to wake yourself up from this state. Satisfaction achieved!

Now, if this DOESN'T happen. And you find the orange slips from your mouth due to your focusing on the intense masturbation, or if you forget the orange entirely, or you slip from the bed entirely and actually hang yourself for real, then this can cause your death and the worst final image your wife or mother will ever have of you upon returning home with the shopping.

"Hi Dear...WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Now, I don't know about you but I struggle to think of the exact moment and man masturbates and thinks to himself, "You know, this just isn't working for me like I wanted it to." He then WAITS for himself to be home alone, unless you really want to ramp up the danger by doing it in a packed house. Imagine the confusion there!

"Honey what the fuck are you doing?!"
"Ah..I was just...checking the lightbulb, and took off my tie...to...and I did it all whilst eating an orange...naked."

It wouldn't work.

So anyway, these people wait for people to leave before thinking, "Fucking yes! Time for my crazy wank!" Most guys watch porn, bish bash bosh, game over, kill time until people return. But these guys, they kind of notice that they have a free house and think to themselves, "Today, I'm going to go that bit further and fulfil my masturbatory needs." I don't know at what point they think of this method. Do they catch a glimpse of the fruitbowl when feeling amorous? Do they take off their tie after a hard day at work, notice the light, look back to the tie, and rub their chin thoughtfully? I just don't know.

But this does happen! And at first I thought through what they must think before doing it, but then what about the self-hate you send yourself afterwards. Normally, you think, "Oh I shouldn't have done that..I am evil, never again...degrading these women..." and then find yourself in the same position 24 hours later. Now these blokes, they must hang themselves with the tie, cut the orange, put it in the mouth, get naked, ASSUME THE POSITION!, realise you haven't pressed play on the porn video, get down from the bed complete with orange in mouth (trying not to bite!), back to bed, ASSUME THE POSITION!, wank like a gibbon, almost pass out, bite the orange, wake the fuck up, come to ...err...completion...

And then what? You are just hanging there! Naked, limp...the thoughts that must run through your mind at that moment. How feeble and vulnerable must you feel? Then your phone might vibrate.

"Hello? Oh Hi Mum...Yer I'm a bit busy at the moment..."

So, next time your flatmate or wife or girlfriend is wondering what to do with their leftover fruit in the fruitbowl...just have a think.

Radio Sketch - Smut Scrabble

Well hello there. At uni there are two things I currently write for - a stage sketch show and a radio sketch show. Here is a radio sketch I wrote earlier today and am in fact, rather proud of.

Commentator #1: Hello and welcome to Scrabble Live!

Commentator #2: Yes, you join us as we are about halfway through the grand final. Competition of course, has been fierce all week and the finalists are really at the top of their game.

Commentator #1: Up now is Rack from Sweden and we must say now that she is wearing some quite beautiful shoes.

Commentator #2: Yes, they really are a beautiful pair. Rack also has a wonderful...err...set of tiles in front of her, I’m unsure what she will play here though. She’s got them in her hand now and she’s tossing them about. Her opponents today really enjoying her wrist action.

Commentator #1: And there we have it! Orgasm! An Orgasm has come out from Rack. Very impressive, she looks satisfied with that. That’s 12 points with the M earning double.

Commentator #2: Onto Davis from Wales. Possibly the most gifted player but his tiles leave a lot to be desired. He won’t get a lot here. He’s wincing at the prospect...

Commentator #1: Oh and there we have it! Come! Come all over the board. He has been producing come throughout the tournament. Almost his get out of jail free card. His opponents don’t look to happy.

Commentator #2: Rack’s orgasm a thing of the past as Davis’s come adds some much needed excitement. Rack wipes her brow as a result. Quite magnificent from Davis. I have never seen come used in such a way. Earns himself 11 points there with double letter on the C.

Commentator #1: Ah now here’s the big man. Almost dumbstruck by the wham bam of orgasm and come from his competitors. This is Big Boris. Boris Yashvelli of course, hailing from Russia. Come has almost been placed in such a way by Davis that Big Boris’s letters are in a mess. What can he do here?

Commentator #2: Well he’s got a P and an N...oh there we go! He has whipped it out! Big Boris! Wow!

Commentator #1: Yes, there’s penis now on the board. Fantastic from Big Boris. He just went for it there. In his excitement a few tiles have been shaken from the board. A huge one for Boris. Rack is impressed. He has put the Penis in such a way that is passing through Rack’s balloons from earlier. Rack absolutely ravaged by that.

Commentator #2: Yes, almost came as a surprise to Rack who was sipping her coffee. Davis can’t believe it. His come was so good but Boris’s penis more than impressed. And it is large enough to move Boris into the lead. Can’t say I’m surprised. He really did just showcase his brilliance there. Just whipped it out.

Commentator #1: Wel that’s the thing about Boris. He could have shrivelled up under pressure but no. As hard as you like, he remains stiff competition.

Commentator #2: Well yes, quite literally. And so to our fourth player, we haven’t spoken much about him. I’m not sure if we can say this on live radio but known as the man with three balls, due to his unusual name. I can’t really pronounce it, umm, Uji Nik-a-blok-ov?

Commentator #1: Yes, Uji Nikabolokov. From Prague. His letter are no good at all. Oh no. Oh dear. He’s just let that one out.

Commentator #2: Yes, lowered the tone with that. Fart. It’s this sort of thing that really stinks. Loud and proud, Uji just stunk the place out with that one. A real shame. A horrible word as I am sure we all agree when he could have rearrange the letters and placed Raft.

Commentator #1: He could have placed his raft between, err let me see, between Davis’s buttocks from earlier.

Commentator #2: Brilliant play from Davis when he shoved buttocks onto the board. But this from Bolokov? Horrible play. To put it simply, his fart stinks. Haha!

Commentator #1: Please don’t lower the tone of the commentary with silly puns.

Pause.

Commentator #1: Oh, I hear there is news in the Tennis at Wimbledon! We’ll just go there now.

Commentator #3: Yes! The Scottish player Condom. Condom has broken...

Fade out.