The Australians

Here is a sketch about stereotypes...

Steve: All right Bruce?

Bruce: Ah, g’day Steve. How’s it going?

Steve: Not great. I just read an article about how people stereotype Australia.

Bruce: Oh i hate that. They have these ideas about us and...hey can I get you a beer?

Steve: Ah cheers man. Fosters?

Bruce: Or 4X.

Steve: Nah, Fosters for me.

Bruce: There ya go.

Steve: Ta.

Bruce: So stereotyping?

Steve: Yeah...oh I’ve just noticed your hat.

Bruce: Ah check out those corks. Quality, eh?

Steve: It’s great! So how’s Sheila?

Bruce: She’s good, yeah...oh hang on that reminds me. Sheila! Could you put some more shrimp on the barbie?

Steve: And the kids?

Bruce: They’re great. Out every day with our kangaroo, Skippy. Solving crimes, that sort of thing.

Steve: Oh that’s cool.

Bruce: So what about you?

Steve: I'm going to watch Crocodile Dundee later.

Bruce: Nice! I love Crocodile Dundee. Great documentary.

Steve: I’ve also got my trip to Uluru tomorrow with the family. Meet the old Aborigines.

Bruce: Yeah! Nice. I love Ayers Rock. And how’s Sheila?

Steve: She’s fantastic. Absolute ripper. She’s swimming with Flipper at the moment and then tomorrow when I’m at Uluru, she’s going to be singing at the Opera House.

Bruce: Oh that’s cool!

Steve: With our old mate Rolf Harris!

Bruce: Awesome!

Steve: Yeah, not before we see the little one play the Dame Edna 7th Annual Beach Volleyball tournament though. Should be cool.

Bruce: Excellent. So anyway have you been watching the cricket? Or the rugby?

Steve: No, Sheila’s been addicted to bloody Neighbours and Home & Away the past few days. Plus the koala’s keeping us up. It’s just not getting on with the platypus at all.

Bruce: Ah that’s a shame.

American: G’day boys!

Steve: See this is what I mean!

Bruce: Stereotyping! We never say that. I suppose you think we have knives like these on us all the time too.

American: Ha! That’s not a knife! This is a knife!

Steve: What? Jesus! That’s a gun! Get your podgy finger away from it!

American: Huh?

BANG

Facebook Rant

As I write this, my internet is down. Yeah, I know you are reading this and thinking, “But this is a blog on the internet, how is your internet down?” Well, I was sad enough to open Microsoft Word and type my thoughts down in frustration. I then copied and pasted the words into a blog when the internet decided to try again.

I get really frustrated when the internet is down. I guarantee half the people who just read that sentence thought, ‘sexually frustrated?’ and thought they were being original. You weren’t and you’re not. It just pisses me off that it happens when you are actually busy working on something like a collaborative script with someone and you are conversing over the medium of Skype about it and then the internet goes ‘Ehh...’

Useless. Bloody useless.

Although I like the fact that sometimes it happens for only 20 seconds and it makes my blood boil. Suddenly I think the world owes me something for this amazing creation that can give me any knowledge on any subject in about 5 seconds. When it doesn’t, I am stunned and angry and generally mocking its ability.

Okay so there is a lack of anything funny so far I grant you. So I shall talk to you about Facebook. And in particular Facebook Chat.

Jason Timms pops up. ‘Hi.’ Fuck off Jason Timms. We never spoke at school. I only accepted you because I was vaguely intrigued as to whether you would end up as a binman in Staines like I thought you might. ‘What you up to?’ I said fuck off Jason Timms! If I wanted to talk to you I would have replied by now. My status circle thing is green which means I am here and I can see it. I just don’t want to talk to you.
‘Fancy coming out next week?’ Jason! Please! Shut up! You know what? Fine. I shall respond. Just to reject your invitation. ‘No. Fuck off.’ Then I press enter. Jason Timms has gone offline. What!? Bullshit. I call bullshit that Jason Timms has gone offline Facebook. Everyone else is still online. All 62 people with nothing better to do than be online and on Facebook. Bullshit would he go offline before I have verbally berated him. No I’m not having that. ‘Fuck you Jason.’

Jason Timms is back online. ‘What?’ Ah crap. Thanks Facebook. Now Jason Timms, ballbag though he is, wants me dead. Thanks a lot Facebook. I’ll go offline. Oh a comment on a picture! Oh Facebook. I’m barely in it and it isn’t about me. Surely you can see that. They are having a conversation about how immense that night was. I don’t even know three of the people talking. STOP SENDING ME NOTIFICATIONS ON THAT ONE SODDING PICTURE.

In fact, if I like something when bored, that is not an invitation for two other people to have a chat on that status that goes on the whole night. I don’t want 22 notifications telling me they are still talking. Who is Dave Westbury and why does he want to be my friend? I don’t care if he drives the uni bus. I don’t get the uni bus. REJECTION. Ooh a message. No! No! Fuck off Jason Timms! Yes, I went offline, because I realised you were going to be a tool. Oh no. You don’t want me at your party anymore. Boo fucking hoo.

A notification. Ooh two notifications actually. Girls! Stop talking on that sodding picture. Ooh an event invitation. Jason. Seriously. You just told me how much you don’t want me there. Don’t go inviting me just to piss me off. What the-? You have invited 363 people? You’re whole friends list? For pre-drinks then town? Do you want your house intact by the end of it? And how are you planning on taking 363 people to town? Mate, it’s Bournemouth not a blitzkrieg. I’ll click maybe attending. That means ‘No’ 90% of the time, if you’re wondering. Another friend request? Dave! Dave Westbury! What the hell? You know I just rejected you. I’m going to reject again. And next time the police will be getting a call. Don’t go adding me again you freak. Go to bed. You shouldn’t be up now anyway. What’s this? Two page requests? One group request?

No, I do not want to be a fan of Rocky Balboa. No, I do not want to become a fan of dead baby jokes. No, you will not change your name to Frankenstein if myself and 999,999 others join this group. Stop being a tit and grow up. What does the group say? You’re 32. Dude, seriously. I don’t think that’ll make me think you’re ‘cool’ or a ‘wacky kinda guy’ who ‘appeals to the kids’. I’ll just think you’re a tool. Like when that 50 year old bloke skateboards down the high street with his top off and Oakley sunglasses. I don’t think ‘Ooh nice. That looks like a fun mode of transport. Maybe I’ll give it a go. ’ No, I tend to think, ‘Cock.’

Generally he’ll then stop his skateboard having gone past me. He’ll turn and remove his shades. “Is that you? You want to school with my son I think. Jason Timms?”
Seriously Facebook. Fuck you.

The internet still isn’t back up as I finish this...but this has been very cathartic. I hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

---

And that is what I wrote last night.

Controversial - School Shootings

Today I came up with a stand up skit which I think is just plain controversial. Possibly offensive. Well, almost certainly offensive. I'm not really sure.

Simply put, I was thinking about that Silent Witness episode a week and a bit ago, where there is a uni shooting and how odd it was that only the shooters knew their way around the uni perfectly, when even the Dean and Leo had differing on opinions on how to get from place to place.

So...my magic mind conjured up a humorous alternative look at the thought process of the shooters and it concludes with a mime and belief process that the characters in fact only wanted to kill one person during their school massacre, and they then tried to run away but got lost on their escape.

Realising they can't find the exit, they shoot every person that comes near them because they might get told on for shooting and killing other members. The whole thing escalates obviously until the shooter itches his head with his gun, in disbelief that they cannot find the exit to get away...when doing this he accidentally shoots himself through the head.

Thus ends the skit. As you can see, it's fairly controversial but...I don't know...the controversy that it could create is kind of why I like it...

Radio Sketch - Smut Scrabble

Well hello there. At uni there are two things I currently write for - a stage sketch show and a radio sketch show. Here is a radio sketch I wrote earlier today and am in fact, rather proud of.

Commentator #1: Hello and welcome to Scrabble Live!

Commentator #2: Yes, you join us as we are about halfway through the grand final. Competition of course, has been fierce all week and the finalists are really at the top of their game.

Commentator #1: Up now is Rack from Sweden and we must say now that she is wearing some quite beautiful shoes.

Commentator #2: Yes, they really are a beautiful pair. Rack also has a wonderful...err...set of tiles in front of her, I’m unsure what she will play here though. She’s got them in her hand now and she’s tossing them about. Her opponents today really enjoying her wrist action.

Commentator #1: And there we have it! Orgasm! An Orgasm has come out from Rack. Very impressive, she looks satisfied with that. That’s 12 points with the M earning double.

Commentator #2: Onto Davis from Wales. Possibly the most gifted player but his tiles leave a lot to be desired. He won’t get a lot here. He’s wincing at the prospect...

Commentator #1: Oh and there we have it! Come! Come all over the board. He has been producing come throughout the tournament. Almost his get out of jail free card. His opponents don’t look to happy.

Commentator #2: Rack’s orgasm a thing of the past as Davis’s come adds some much needed excitement. Rack wipes her brow as a result. Quite magnificent from Davis. I have never seen come used in such a way. Earns himself 11 points there with double letter on the C.

Commentator #1: Ah now here’s the big man. Almost dumbstruck by the wham bam of orgasm and come from his competitors. This is Big Boris. Boris Yashvelli of course, hailing from Russia. Come has almost been placed in such a way by Davis that Big Boris’s letters are in a mess. What can he do here?

Commentator #2: Well he’s got a P and an N...oh there we go! He has whipped it out! Big Boris! Wow!

Commentator #1: Yes, there’s penis now on the board. Fantastic from Big Boris. He just went for it there. In his excitement a few tiles have been shaken from the board. A huge one for Boris. Rack is impressed. He has put the Penis in such a way that is passing through Rack’s balloons from earlier. Rack absolutely ravaged by that.

Commentator #2: Yes, almost came as a surprise to Rack who was sipping her coffee. Davis can’t believe it. His come was so good but Boris’s penis more than impressed. And it is large enough to move Boris into the lead. Can’t say I’m surprised. He really did just showcase his brilliance there. Just whipped it out.

Commentator #1: Wel that’s the thing about Boris. He could have shrivelled up under pressure but no. As hard as you like, he remains stiff competition.

Commentator #2: Well yes, quite literally. And so to our fourth player, we haven’t spoken much about him. I’m not sure if we can say this on live radio but known as the man with three balls, due to his unusual name. I can’t really pronounce it, umm, Uji Nik-a-blok-ov?

Commentator #1: Yes, Uji Nikabolokov. From Prague. His letter are no good at all. Oh no. Oh dear. He’s just let that one out.

Commentator #2: Yes, lowered the tone with that. Fart. It’s this sort of thing that really stinks. Loud and proud, Uji just stunk the place out with that one. A real shame. A horrible word as I am sure we all agree when he could have rearrange the letters and placed Raft.

Commentator #1: He could have placed his raft between, err let me see, between Davis’s buttocks from earlier.

Commentator #2: Brilliant play from Davis when he shoved buttocks onto the board. But this from Bolokov? Horrible play. To put it simply, his fart stinks. Haha!

Commentator #1: Please don’t lower the tone of the commentary with silly puns.

Pause.

Commentator #1: Oh, I hear there is news in the Tennis at Wimbledon! We’ll just go there now.

Commentator #3: Yes! The Scottish player Condom. Condom has broken...

Fade out.