Here is a sketch about stereotypes...
Steve: All right Bruce?
Bruce: Ah, g’day Steve. How’s it going?
Steve: Not great. I just read an article about how people stereotype Australia.
Bruce: Oh i hate that. They have these ideas about us and...hey can I get you a beer?
Steve: Ah cheers man. Fosters?
Bruce: Or 4X.
Steve: Nah, Fosters for me.
Bruce: There ya go.
Steve: Ta.
Bruce: So stereotyping?
Steve: Yeah...oh I’ve just noticed your hat.
Bruce: Ah check out those corks. Quality, eh?
Steve: It’s great! So how’s Sheila?
Bruce: She’s good, yeah...oh hang on that reminds me. Sheila! Could you put some more shrimp on the barbie?
Steve: And the kids?
Bruce: They’re great. Out every day with our kangaroo, Skippy. Solving crimes, that sort of thing.
Steve: Oh that’s cool.
Bruce: So what about you?
Steve: I'm going to watch Crocodile Dundee later.
Bruce: Nice! I love Crocodile Dundee. Great documentary.
Steve: I’ve also got my trip to Uluru tomorrow with the family. Meet the old Aborigines.
Bruce: Yeah! Nice. I love Ayers Rock. And how’s Sheila?
Steve: She’s fantastic. Absolute ripper. She’s swimming with Flipper at the moment and then tomorrow when I’m at Uluru, she’s going to be singing at the Opera House.
Bruce: Oh that’s cool!
Steve: With our old mate Rolf Harris!
Bruce: Awesome!
Steve: Yeah, not before we see the little one play the Dame Edna 7th Annual Beach Volleyball tournament though. Should be cool.
Bruce: Excellent. So anyway have you been watching the cricket? Or the rugby?
Steve: No, Sheila’s been addicted to bloody Neighbours and Home & Away the past few days. Plus the koala’s keeping us up. It’s just not getting on with the platypus at all.
Bruce: Ah that’s a shame.
American: G’day boys!
Steve: See this is what I mean!
Bruce: Stereotyping! We never say that. I suppose you think we have knives like these on us all the time too.
American: Ha! That’s not a knife! This is a knife!
Steve: What? Jesus! That’s a gun! Get your podgy finger away from it!
American: Huh?
BANG
Showing posts with label what. Show all posts
Showing posts with label what. Show all posts
Friday, 26 March 2010
Saturday, 8 August 2009
Rebound/Luck
Okay, this is a routine I have been working on recently in my head. I have probably forgotten parts as I came up with it about a week ago, even before the fillings one in fact. It may get pretty long...so bear with me. It's an intro piece by the way...hence the beginning.
'Hello, and yes, it really is me and yes, I really am this good looking. Of course, that last bit I don't really believe, only a wanker could think that highly of themselves. If you are sitting there now thinking, "But I'm good looking and I'm not a wanker..." Then think of this as a free newsflash for you.
Of course it's a shame that so many good looking people are pricks, because let's be honest, most of us have lost out to them when chasing after a person who we really rather like. It's a plus in the end though, as you always know that person will be back on the dating scene soon enough once she realises what everyone else already knows. Now, many people's response to you going after someone is that, 'They'll be on the rebound." They say this like it's a bad thing. I know the rules of football and even if you scored on the rebound, it does count.
Now I went for this approach, simply after a rebound result so to speak, yes I coined that, and before I could tell her how I felt she said to me, "You know what, any girl would be so lucky to have you as their boyfriend." At that point my heart wasn't beating, it was jumping about ona little trampoline doing somersaults. I was leaping over the bloody moon. I thought that this would be a dead cert. So, I told her how I felt and she let me down lightly..."It's just...I think we should remain friends."
Woah! Woah, woah, woah. Let's just backtrack a few minutes. "Any girl would be so lucky." You said that! 'ANY' GIRL. YOU CAN BE THAT GIRL! BE LUCKY! I'M LETTING YOU BE LUCKY!" She wasn't budging. So I stepped it up a bit. "There are 3 billion women on this planet, and out of all these girls, who could be so lucky, I have chosen you. So how does that make you feel?"
She took a step back at this point, and said, "Like I'm giving somebody else a chance." I thought fair enough, she is being kind to the legions of other women out there. But later that night I realised she wasn't talking about me as I realised she gave my mate Dave a chance. And he took it. So I re-evaluated as I watched them making out. Any girl...any of the girls out there."
Now at this point of the thought-process I have two possible punchlines. They are:
"So I took it upon myself and raped her mum."
AND
"So I became a paedophile...and let me be honest it was bit tight for a while but I'm easing into it."
But I don;t know if I want to be offensive. I can't think of any other way to end that joke. Except for maybe something simple like, "So I left them to it, downed my drink and went and punched a good looking bloke, which made me feel a heck of a lot better." But who knows...
'Hello, and yes, it really is me and yes, I really am this good looking. Of course, that last bit I don't really believe, only a wanker could think that highly of themselves. If you are sitting there now thinking, "But I'm good looking and I'm not a wanker..." Then think of this as a free newsflash for you.
Of course it's a shame that so many good looking people are pricks, because let's be honest, most of us have lost out to them when chasing after a person who we really rather like. It's a plus in the end though, as you always know that person will be back on the dating scene soon enough once she realises what everyone else already knows. Now, many people's response to you going after someone is that, 'They'll be on the rebound." They say this like it's a bad thing. I know the rules of football and even if you scored on the rebound, it does count.
Now I went for this approach, simply after a rebound result so to speak, yes I coined that, and before I could tell her how I felt she said to me, "You know what, any girl would be so lucky to have you as their boyfriend." At that point my heart wasn't beating, it was jumping about ona little trampoline doing somersaults. I was leaping over the bloody moon. I thought that this would be a dead cert. So, I told her how I felt and she let me down lightly..."It's just...I think we should remain friends."
Woah! Woah, woah, woah. Let's just backtrack a few minutes. "Any girl would be so lucky." You said that! 'ANY' GIRL. YOU CAN BE THAT GIRL! BE LUCKY! I'M LETTING YOU BE LUCKY!" She wasn't budging. So I stepped it up a bit. "There are 3 billion women on this planet, and out of all these girls, who could be so lucky, I have chosen you. So how does that make you feel?"
She took a step back at this point, and said, "Like I'm giving somebody else a chance." I thought fair enough, she is being kind to the legions of other women out there. But later that night I realised she wasn't talking about me as I realised she gave my mate Dave a chance. And he took it. So I re-evaluated as I watched them making out. Any girl...any of the girls out there."
Now at this point of the thought-process I have two possible punchlines. They are:
"So I took it upon myself and raped her mum."
AND
"So I became a paedophile...and let me be honest it was bit tight for a while but I'm easing into it."
But I don;t know if I want to be offensive. I can't think of any other way to end that joke. Except for maybe something simple like, "So I left them to it, downed my drink and went and punched a good looking bloke, which made me feel a heck of a lot better." But who knows...
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Tickets and Tours
I don't know about you, but it really annoys me when yu visit a band or comedian's website and their tour dates proudly proclaim that they are 'Coming soon to a town near you!'. I have two problems with this. firstly, London isn't a town and secondly, it's nowhere near me.
On the odd occasion a tour does come nearby, you get shafted for tickets anyway. Who knows what a booking fee is really for? YOu never pay it if you buy from the venue in person, but for booking over the internet it seems you pay 2 quid for the computer to save the fact yu are going. Which you probably put in motion by booking it yourself.
now the booking fee has been around for a while, and sometimes it rounds off the price nicely - 13 up to 15, 18 up to 20, etc. But then you click to the next page and there is a handling charge. A what? Yes, a handling charge. You get charged for someone pressing print and handling the tickets into an envelope. 2 quid! For that! It's clearly their bloody job to do that. It's expected. What if there was a handling charge in a supermarket?
"Yeah, I served you today, that's 2 quid on top of what you should pay..."
On the odd occasion a tour does come nearby, you get shafted for tickets anyway. Who knows what a booking fee is really for? YOu never pay it if you buy from the venue in person, but for booking over the internet it seems you pay 2 quid for the computer to save the fact yu are going. Which you probably put in motion by booking it yourself.
now the booking fee has been around for a while, and sometimes it rounds off the price nicely - 13 up to 15, 18 up to 20, etc. But then you click to the next page and there is a handling charge. A what? Yes, a handling charge. You get charged for someone pressing print and handling the tickets into an envelope. 2 quid! For that! It's clearly their bloody job to do that. It's expected. What if there was a handling charge in a supermarket?
"Yeah, I served you today, that's 2 quid on top of what you should pay..."
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