iCash

Steve Jobs is halfway through an Apple keynote conference.

“Well, we have shown you the new iPod touch, the new iPhone and the new iPad. “What else is there?” I hear you ask. Well, that’s right, I am now going to show you the completely revamped and redesigned Apple iTunes store. “In what ways has it changed?” I hear you ask. Well aside from the obvious aesthetic change which you see before you, you may also have noticed a different constant throughout the page. If you can’t see it then look a little closer at the price of the products. It’s not a dollar symbol or a pound sign if you are within the United Kingdom. No, this is a completely new currency which Apple has developed. I give you iCash.

iCash is the currency which will now be using at the Apple iTunes store. It is safer, more secure and easier to understand than any other currency on the market. What’s more, it is a virtual currency, so any fraud that takes place online, stays online. We at Apple value your custom and as such make sure that real money stays in the real world. Think about it. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you crashed a plane in the virtual world on a Flight Simulator and a number of lives were lost, you wouldn’t want that to also apply in the real world, would you? No. Well Apple are doing the same thing with money. We are keeping the real world and virtual world separate with iCash.

“So how exactly does iCash work?” I’m sensing a few of you have that question in your minds right now, so I shall answer it. It’s all very straightforward. You sign up to Apple with your real life bank account, like any other store. You then purchase iCash in the form of credits. One dollar will give you 10 iCash credits. These can then be used to purchase any item in the Apple iTunes store. Prices start at 10 credits for a popular song or application, like Angry Birds for example, right through to whatever is the most expensive application at the moment. You choose the amount of real life money to change into iCash and the store will calculate the rest. After you spend 100 credits, you get 1 credit back, to use again on the store. Simply, we are rewarding the loyal Apple customers with iCashback and this revolutionary new secure form of payment. iCash. It’s the future.

It will of course soon be possible to use iCash in any real life Apple store as well. For a small fee of 10 iCash credits, we will allow you to transfer your iCash from the store to any Apple product such as the iPhone, iPod touch or iPad. This can then be scanned at the Apple store as payment for your new Apple purchase be it an iMac or an Apple TV. Once iCash becomes the main form of payment within just one Apple store, we will support what the customers clearly want and change every store to only accept iCash at the stores.

iCash will help us progress as a company and hopefully you can see the benefits of this new system. It is our intention that as iCash is used more and more often, we will build not just Apple stores but an Apple bank, the iBank, which it will soon be necessary to have an account with, in order to continue to buy anything from Apple, be it a song or a Macbook. We then hope to create an iVillage showcasing all the latest uses of Apple technology. iCash will then help to expand this iVillage into an iTown and then a city. We have already entered into an agreement with a country from the third world to bring it into the first world and amongst the Apple family. This is my next big announcement today ladies and gentlemen, Apple are now the proud owners of the capital city of Turkey. We call it iStanbul and Apple iCash will be the only form of currency accepted in the city once we witness a need from the customers. This loyal fan base will again benefit from our company’s promise to listen to their views and when just one iStanbul resident requests the change, we will make it happen.

Over time, we hope that iStanbul will prosper and it is our belief that the benefits of iCash will help the rest of Turkey join the scheme. We will then look at other cities around the globe to join the Apple family and make it a truly wonderful place which the whole world can enjoy. After iStanbul, we hope that next year we will be able to announce that iCash is now accepted not just in Turkey but also in iOwa City in the US, iBiza in Spain, iWo Jima in Japan and hopefully Manchester in England will agree to be renamed MacChester, but we do not currently have confirmation of that just yet. Following perceived successes in the areas, iCash will spread out into these countries, thus becoming the primary currency in five different countries.

At this point we will move the iCity regime as we have called it, from beta testing into full working order and change not just a single city’s currency, but switch a whole country to iCash with the start of the iCountry scheme. iRaq, iRan, iVory Coast and iTaly in Europe are all within our sights. With iRan and iRaq in particular, we hope that the use of iCash will help solve any current disputes that happen to be ongoing as of this moment in time. It is Apple’s belief that iCash can do this as long as all countries agree to get involved and hopefully iCash will then take over from the unstable dollar, pound and euro as the world’s premier currency. We will of course discuss iCash further at the next Apple keynote but to put it in a nutshell for everyone, iCash is simply Apple’s way of thanking the loyal fan base that have supported us for so many years, by offering them a faster and more user friendly experience in this post-recession world.

So that’s iCash. An apple thank-you. Your money. Our way.”

Talking Politics

Apologies for only posting once in June. i am extremely busy with Edinburgh arrangements at the moment so...yeah. Anyway, here is a sketch that myself and Sophie Petzal wrote together which we LOVED but think it may have been too clever for it's own good. See what you think.

Talking Politics

Person 1: Immigrants aren’t good though.

Person 2: Well they need a place to live.

Person 1: Fuck where they need to live. I walked down the street the other day and there were just so many of them. Literally thousands. I mean, do they breed like fucking rabbits? What I’m trying to say is are they copulating as they walk? I literally couldn’t move there were so many of them. I’m not even joking.

Person 2: But they bring in jobs…

Person 1: Fuck them bringing in jobs! We need jobs! I couldn’t find one, could you find one? Not one that I’d want to do anyway. Daddy can only fund me for so long. You’re looking at this all wrong.

Person 2: Well…they help the economy.

Person 1: HELP THE ECONOMY?! FUCK the economy. Have you seen the economy recently. Immigrants have screwed us over. The share price has fallen. Daddy told me so.

Person 2: Well technically, shares fell due to a crisis in investor confidence.

Person 1: Fuck investor confidence! I can’t believe you’re defending them! They’re throwing this country to the dogs. We need these guys out.

Person 2: But…they’ve done well for the arts…and education.

Person 1: Fuck arts and education! We’ve got all this Europe shit going on! We should never have signed that fucking treaty! I tell you the moment you get involved with those in-bred halfwits, our shares go tumbling.

Person 2: But-

Person 1: Fuck but! Look: 1. Immigrants. Too many. Do I need to spell it out for you? Because I’m going to anyway. 2. Jobs. Where the fuck can we get one without those immigrants stealing them? 3. Economy. The share prices are fucked. 4. That treaty. 5. Europe. Don’t you see? DON’T YOU SEE?! I’m telling you, if you don’t vote for Adolf and the Nazis come June 25th, you’re a fool. They’ll sort this country right out. You’ll see. Sieg fucking heil!



...And that was that. We love it. Yet it didn't make it into the show. Shame.

Pacman Remembered radio sketch

The following is a long sketch I wrote for radio the other day... It does help if you have a basic knowledge of the world of Pacman.



Reg Murphy: Hello and welcome to another all new edition of What’s Behind the Game?, the documentary series which takes a look back at popular gaming series of the past. Tonight we venture forth into the murky world of the popular arcade classic, Pacman. We meet its stars and discuss the goings on of how they made the game. From the outside it appears to be just another video game, but upon removing the exterior and hearing the stories from those involved, a much more interesting picture begins to emerge. Sit back, relax and enjoy their memories of a game fraught with tension from the very start.

Pause and then come into the dialogue as though the person has been talking for a while and his interview has been edited down.

Pink Ghost: ...Yes I was, yes. I remember it vividly, almost like it was yesterday. I went into the room and I saw the costumes laid out there and I remember thinking I had clearly been set up. I was lead to believe when I signed up that I would be a white ghost...

Pink Ghost’s chat fades out.

Interviewer: He seems to think he was meant to be a white ghost.
Pacman: I wouldn’t know. I had nothing to do with the ghost costumes. I simply put on my yellow orb costume and went for it, you know? I wouldn’t be surprised if he complained though. I do remember him complaining a lot.

Fade back to Pink Ghost’s interview.

Pink Ghost: I know was a little aggressive at the time perhaps, but I had been conned! They tried to sell my costume as salmon coloured. It’s not, it’s pink. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you? And...I think it was clear to me, since meeting the others that I was the ‘joke’ of the pack if you like, never truly accepted and I think they ruined my costume as a result of that.

Fade out...

Red Ghost: I think that’s nonsense.

Interviewer: You think that’s nonsense?

Red Ghost: I do, yes. I do. There was never any malice from me certainly, I can’t speak for the blue ghost or the orange ghost obviously, but from my point of view, there was never any problem that I had with the salmon coloured ghost.

Interviewer: He claims you may have put his white costume with your red costume, in the wash?

Red Ghost: No that’s utterly ridiculous. I had nothing to do with the washing.

Fade out...

Pacman: I think what happened, umm, from what I can gather, at least...is that the costumes of the four ghosts were arranged to be red, white, orange and blue but there was something that happened between the four of them which meant that wasn’t the case.

Fade out...

Pink ghost: I was annoyed. I was. I can’t deny it. Have you tried wearing pink in public? You haven’t? Well...

Fade out...

Orange ghost: Has he? I remember that vividly. The costume situation. Yeah. The original wardrobe malfunction as it’s called. But I think I am the only person that genuinely know what that was all about. From memory the blue ghost, was extremely good friends with the developer of the game and when I was looking for my orange costume one day I did over hear their discussion, which I have to say, made a lot of sense to me.

Fade out...

Interviewer: The orange ghost says you may have been to blame for the pink coloured ghost costume?

Blue ghost: Me? I don’t know where he got that from! No! No, it wasn’t me...

Fade out...

Orange Ghost: I remember it vividly. Umm, I was looking for my costume, which was often misplaced by the yellow orb, as we used to call him. And that often made us more aggressive when filming the actual gameplay, it made us more intent to catch him...but I digress, I turned the corner and the blue ghost has some ‘issues’ I think you could say with a white hooded figure chasing down a character who could, if you shortened their name, be referred to as ‘packie’.

Fade out...

Pacman: I don’t remember that. I don’t remember anybody calling me that. No. I wouldn’t have been offended though. Why would I? It’s just a shortened name surely? No, what I used to get offended by was when they would call me

Instant cut to

Pink ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yeah, we did call him that. We did. In hindsight was an extremely stupid thing for a guy in a pink hood to be saying to a character twice his size.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yes. It was great.

Fade out...

Red ghost laughs.

Red ghost: Oh my days! I’d forgotten about that! I had! The rolling yellow boulder. We did call each other a lot of names actually. It was a very difficult production though. Very heated. Very early on, I remember thinking, this guy in yellow is gonna blow. He needs something to calm him down.

Fade out...

Orange ghost: It’s important to remember we were working long hours down there in that maze, with only neon blue lights to guide us, really. I mean once he’d rolled over those floor lights they disappeared. We used to joke that he used to break them rather than the pressure system which would remove the ‘pills’ I believe they are called, from the game.

Fade out...

Pacman: There were a lot of joke about my weight, yes. I was on the verge of leaving at one point but then they agreed to my request to flip the scenario, every now and again and allow me to chase them.

Fade out...

Pink ghost: I think he could have been gay. I did think that for a long time and really did worry me, wearing that pink shirt.

Fade out...

Interviewer: I mean, you were the blue ghost anyway.

Blue ghost: I was... exactly!

Fade out...

Red ghost: He did used to complain.

Interviewer: He did?

Red ghost: Well...you have to remember it was different for me. I was wearing red, so the change was noticeable. And orange and salmon were the same. But I don’t think the blue ghost ever wanted to change his cloak over because it was just a different shade of blue.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: Annoyed? I was furious! Do you have any idea how easy it is to change over the cloak? And they wanted it done quickly. It just seemed pointless to me, I mean...red to blue, fair enough. Orange or salmon to blue...again, fair enough. But blue to ...blue? And then when caught we had to run back to base, and turn it over again back to our normal colour. So I literally went from blue to blue to blue to blue. Ridiculous. I mean, whose idea was that?

Fade out...

Pink ghost: I did laugh at the time. I did, yes. I found it very funny simply because he then knew what I was going through with my own personal costume problem.

Fade out...

Pacman: It did make him easier to catch than the others, yes. Because sometimes he wouldn’t be able to see which shade he was putting back on. It’s very difficult in that light. Especially towards the end of a level when there wouldn’t be many of the lights left shining.

Fade out...

Interviewer: Was there any sexual tension within the group?

Red ghost: Oh yes. The fruit. The fruit were played by women. Strawberry, cherry, you name it, it was a female. And all of the ghosts used to run about trying to attract their attentions but obviously it was too much of a done deal really.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: Yes. The cherries. She was quite a looker. And the strawberry too.

Fade out...

Cherry: We only had eyes for the one character, I think.

Strawberry: Yes. We were young, carefree and to be honest, if you could wander off with the lead singer of a band or the drummer, who would it be?

Fade out...

Orange ghost: Pacman. Everytime. They would always go for the rolling yellow boulder. But then they had more time with him. During the actual gaming part of the production, we had no reason to roll anywhere near the fruit so.. he naturally had an advantage to woo them.

Fade out...

Pacman: It was wonderful! It was! I can’t deny it. Cherry, strawberry, hell sometimes even the kiwi. It was great.

Fade out...

Interviewer: Did you ever have any success with the fruit?

Pink ghost: No. No...but I was wearing a pink hood you have to remember.

Fade out...

Interviewer: One final question to you all. Do you understand how the portal worked from walking out of one side of the maze and ending up instantly on the other?

Cherry: Well, we were the fruit, so I only ever heard about it from pacman.

Fade out...

Strawberry: I saw it once. I did. Kiwi once said she went through it but I don’t think she was telling the truth. We never had any reason to ever go anywhere near it.

Fade out...

Red ghost: I used to love going through there. I really did. I used to imagine myself as some kind of red mist...just...oh I loved it.

Fade out...

Pacman: No. I have no idea how it worked. But the costume used to slow me down. And it was a tight squeeze. The boulder name, looking back, was a fair description. I was huge.

Fade out...

Blue ghost: I think it was just some teleportation device I think. I don’t know. I’m still furious about that blue to blue thing, you’ve reminded me about.

Fade out...

Orange ghost: The tunnel? I have no idea how that worked. I heard rumours that the blue ghost has fixed it or something, but I don’t know. Very impressive piece of engineering though.

Fade out...

Pink ghost: How did the portal device work? Witchcraft. No question, witchcraft. I wouldn’t put it past the red ghost to have created that. He ruined a perfectly costume for me. I mean...salmon?!

Fade out...

Reg Murphy: So there we have it. The cast of pacman talking there about their experiences. That’s all from me, I hope you enjoyed it, but take some pleasure from the sneak preview of next week’s show, which will focus on Pong. Goodnight.

Fade out...

Pong Ball: Yes it pissed me off being the ball! I was whacked left, right, left, right. It was a relief when one of them missed me. A horrible time Horrible.

The Australians

Here is a sketch about stereotypes...

Steve: All right Bruce?

Bruce: Ah, g’day Steve. How’s it going?

Steve: Not great. I just read an article about how people stereotype Australia.

Bruce: Oh i hate that. They have these ideas about us and...hey can I get you a beer?

Steve: Ah cheers man. Fosters?

Bruce: Or 4X.

Steve: Nah, Fosters for me.

Bruce: There ya go.

Steve: Ta.

Bruce: So stereotyping?

Steve: Yeah...oh I’ve just noticed your hat.

Bruce: Ah check out those corks. Quality, eh?

Steve: It’s great! So how’s Sheila?

Bruce: She’s good, yeah...oh hang on that reminds me. Sheila! Could you put some more shrimp on the barbie?

Steve: And the kids?

Bruce: They’re great. Out every day with our kangaroo, Skippy. Solving crimes, that sort of thing.

Steve: Oh that’s cool.

Bruce: So what about you?

Steve: I'm going to watch Crocodile Dundee later.

Bruce: Nice! I love Crocodile Dundee. Great documentary.

Steve: I’ve also got my trip to Uluru tomorrow with the family. Meet the old Aborigines.

Bruce: Yeah! Nice. I love Ayers Rock. And how’s Sheila?

Steve: She’s fantastic. Absolute ripper. She’s swimming with Flipper at the moment and then tomorrow when I’m at Uluru, she’s going to be singing at the Opera House.

Bruce: Oh that’s cool!

Steve: With our old mate Rolf Harris!

Bruce: Awesome!

Steve: Yeah, not before we see the little one play the Dame Edna 7th Annual Beach Volleyball tournament though. Should be cool.

Bruce: Excellent. So anyway have you been watching the cricket? Or the rugby?

Steve: No, Sheila’s been addicted to bloody Neighbours and Home & Away the past few days. Plus the koala’s keeping us up. It’s just not getting on with the platypus at all.

Bruce: Ah that’s a shame.

American: G’day boys!

Steve: See this is what I mean!

Bruce: Stereotyping! We never say that. I suppose you think we have knives like these on us all the time too.

American: Ha! That’s not a knife! This is a knife!

Steve: What? Jesus! That’s a gun! Get your podgy finger away from it!

American: Huh?

BANG

A sketch - The Chat

So I have had a disagreement over the inclusion of a sketch in a radio show. I think it's hilarious. They don't think it'll work. Judge for yourself.

Note that the two main voices sound like lower class chav style voices.

The Chat

Ringing...

Dazza: Hello is that-

Jase: Dazza?!

Dazza: Jase? IS that you?

Jase: Oh mate! How’s it going? What’s up man?

Dazza: Oh this is mental! Haven’t spoken to you in what...a while. God!

Jase: Yeah so what’s going on dude?

Dazza: Well you know, this and that. Got a new bird on the go. Clarissa. She’s top man.

Jase: Ace.

Dazza: Yeah and err...living in Weston Road. Nice little place there. Hooked up the old hi-fi the other day. Pretty sweet.

Jase: Nice, nice...

Dazze: So what about you Jase, me old man? How’s it going?

Jase: Oh mate! Oh mate, OH MATE! What can I say? Life is good! Got a kid!

Dazza: A kid?

Jase: Yeah! With Gemma. Felix. He’s cute as hell. Ah man.

Dazza: That’s great! Proper good, dude.

Jase: Yeah...oh God we should have a beer!

Dazza: Yeah, that’d be awesome. Oh man! My old buddy Jase on the phone! (to someone else) My old buddy Jase! Come say hi..come on.

Lisa: I don’t want..hello?

Jase: Haha! Oh God! Hello?

Pause.

Dazza: Me again mate! Oh that’s Lisa! Work colleague. Oh she’s scowling at me now. Proper scowling! Ah she’s mental.

Jase: Classic mate, classic.

Dazza: Yeah! So where were we?

Jase: A beer!

Dazza: Yes! Do you still know Ricky B?

Jase: Yeah.

Dazza: Text him man. He’s got my number. I mean I should probably be telling you about this thing anyways.

Jase: Oh, I guess so then. What’s the deets?

Dazza: (suddenly serious) right we need an ambulance over to 43 Wellington Road. Possible cardiac arrest. 50 year old male with breathing problems and we need an ambulance there quick.

Jase: On my way.




So that's it. Maybe I'm biased but I think the punchline is really pretty strong. But I want to know...It doesn't make to much difference as I'm taking it to Edinburgh but yeah...

Radio Sketch - Smut Scrabble

Well hello there. At uni there are two things I currently write for - a stage sketch show and a radio sketch show. Here is a radio sketch I wrote earlier today and am in fact, rather proud of.

Commentator #1: Hello and welcome to Scrabble Live!

Commentator #2: Yes, you join us as we are about halfway through the grand final. Competition of course, has been fierce all week and the finalists are really at the top of their game.

Commentator #1: Up now is Rack from Sweden and we must say now that she is wearing some quite beautiful shoes.

Commentator #2: Yes, they really are a beautiful pair. Rack also has a wonderful...err...set of tiles in front of her, I’m unsure what she will play here though. She’s got them in her hand now and she’s tossing them about. Her opponents today really enjoying her wrist action.

Commentator #1: And there we have it! Orgasm! An Orgasm has come out from Rack. Very impressive, she looks satisfied with that. That’s 12 points with the M earning double.

Commentator #2: Onto Davis from Wales. Possibly the most gifted player but his tiles leave a lot to be desired. He won’t get a lot here. He’s wincing at the prospect...

Commentator #1: Oh and there we have it! Come! Come all over the board. He has been producing come throughout the tournament. Almost his get out of jail free card. His opponents don’t look to happy.

Commentator #2: Rack’s orgasm a thing of the past as Davis’s come adds some much needed excitement. Rack wipes her brow as a result. Quite magnificent from Davis. I have never seen come used in such a way. Earns himself 11 points there with double letter on the C.

Commentator #1: Ah now here’s the big man. Almost dumbstruck by the wham bam of orgasm and come from his competitors. This is Big Boris. Boris Yashvelli of course, hailing from Russia. Come has almost been placed in such a way by Davis that Big Boris’s letters are in a mess. What can he do here?

Commentator #2: Well he’s got a P and an N...oh there we go! He has whipped it out! Big Boris! Wow!

Commentator #1: Yes, there’s penis now on the board. Fantastic from Big Boris. He just went for it there. In his excitement a few tiles have been shaken from the board. A huge one for Boris. Rack is impressed. He has put the Penis in such a way that is passing through Rack’s balloons from earlier. Rack absolutely ravaged by that.

Commentator #2: Yes, almost came as a surprise to Rack who was sipping her coffee. Davis can’t believe it. His come was so good but Boris’s penis more than impressed. And it is large enough to move Boris into the lead. Can’t say I’m surprised. He really did just showcase his brilliance there. Just whipped it out.

Commentator #1: Wel that’s the thing about Boris. He could have shrivelled up under pressure but no. As hard as you like, he remains stiff competition.

Commentator #2: Well yes, quite literally. And so to our fourth player, we haven’t spoken much about him. I’m not sure if we can say this on live radio but known as the man with three balls, due to his unusual name. I can’t really pronounce it, umm, Uji Nik-a-blok-ov?

Commentator #1: Yes, Uji Nikabolokov. From Prague. His letter are no good at all. Oh no. Oh dear. He’s just let that one out.

Commentator #2: Yes, lowered the tone with that. Fart. It’s this sort of thing that really stinks. Loud and proud, Uji just stunk the place out with that one. A real shame. A horrible word as I am sure we all agree when he could have rearrange the letters and placed Raft.

Commentator #1: He could have placed his raft between, err let me see, between Davis’s buttocks from earlier.

Commentator #2: Brilliant play from Davis when he shoved buttocks onto the board. But this from Bolokov? Horrible play. To put it simply, his fart stinks. Haha!

Commentator #1: Please don’t lower the tone of the commentary with silly puns.

Pause.

Commentator #1: Oh, I hear there is news in the Tennis at Wimbledon! We’ll just go there now.

Commentator #3: Yes! The Scottish player Condom. Condom has broken...

Fade out.

Sketch - Crabbing a Car

So every now and again, I write bits for a sitcom idea I have had for a while involving Gary and Steve. They form the basis of a sitcom called Alright, of which I have written two episodes. It's a surreal comedy I guess. Anyway here is a snippet from the third episode of just one of their conversations...

Gary: Alright

Steve: Not bad. You?

Gary: Yer, just got back from crabbing a guy’s car. Y’know the guy down the road who was pissing me off?

Steve: Crabbing his car?

Gary: Yer just putting crab all over his car basically.

Steve: What does that achieve?

Gary: Well just imagine you found crab paste spread all over your windscreen and roof.

Steve: That’s a pretty expensive way to get your own back.

Gary: It’s about a five pound fifty prank.

Steve: Cool, well fair enough. I was just going to go out. Want to come?

Gary: Where?

Steve: Just out. Town, maybe.

Gary: Yeah okay.

Welcome

Welcome to this, The Invisible Comic's first ever post. How exciting. My aim here is simply to write a few things that are meant to be humorous. Be they a sketch, a stand up comedy routine or even a whole sitcom episode, the aim is to enjoy them and (hopefully) make you laugh.