Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.
The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?
When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.
So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.
The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?
EVER?
EVER?!
Yes, ever.
Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.
Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.
That last bit is pretty important...
Showing posts with label now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label now. Show all posts
Monday, 9 November 2009
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Heckler Comeback
I was going to update this with a long post earlier but forgot. by forgot, I truly mean forgot everything it was going to say. So until I have more time, this will have to do.
Basically it is a heckler comeback. So imagine someone has just shouted, "I hate you" at me, or something more offensive.
"By the way I think I forgot to mention. I have rules with regards to heckles. It's just one rule basically. I don't respond to heckle made my inbred retards so unfortunately I am going to have to let that heckle slide. It's only fair."
Basically it is a heckler comeback. So imagine someone has just shouted, "I hate you" at me, or something more offensive.
"By the way I think I forgot to mention. I have rules with regards to heckles. It's just one rule basically. I don't respond to heckle made my inbred retards so unfortunately I am going to have to let that heckle slide. It's only fair."
Friday, 4 September 2009
Stand Up - People
So here is a random full routine I just wrote on people, intended for a student audience hence the opening paragraph. It contains swearing. Deal with it.
Alright? It’s a pleasure to see you all here about...ooh about 3 hours after you all got up. Yeah, I know what it’s like. I’m a student too. Lunch at four. You know it’s great to see that the UK will still be okay with us in charge in ten or twenty years time because people, well, they don’t half annoy me at the moment.
I used to work in a petrol station and I had a woman come to my counter. She goes, “Yeah, umm, the prices of petrol are cheaper down the road.” What does she expect me to say? “Ahh, gee. I’m sorry about that. Must have been an oversight on my part, I didn’t realise you were popping in today. I’ll just change that for you.” I mean come on, lady. If their cheaper down the road then go down the fucking road. And then as if to insult me she goes, “Well, I’m going to be taking my business elsewhere.” Ah shit. You know because the £10 you were about to put into your mini cooper was really going to keep this place afloat. I don’t care. I’m on £5.70 an hour. Give a shit if you don’t come back. Not my problem. Take your business elsewhere. But then before she leaves, “Oh and I’ll have a twenty Marlboro lights.” So, I sold them to her and said, “I’m sorry you’re gonna have to take your business elsewhere.” She missed the joke. I don’t care really, she’s dying of cancer soon anyway.
People do just get on my nerves though. I went to the cinema a few weeks ago and this moron behind the counter, you know, the kind of guy that is just a little bit over friendly and is probably a paedophile? He says to me, “Going to see a film huh?” “Ah gee, I was actually here to buy some over priced food, I’m doing my weekly shop but now you mention it, yeah. Why shouldn’t I see a film as it’s a FUCKING CINEMA!” Anyway, I show him my student ID and he’s just typing in the tickets to the computer or whatever when he turns to me and says, “Sorry was it a student or an adult, I forget. Haha!” Haha? Whatever they’re paying you it’s too much.
I’m surprised that people like that guy have even got a job when you know, immigrants and asylum seekers need jobs too. “Oh my god they are taking our jobs!” Yeah, well it’s because all our natives are dumb as shit. The recession was probably caused because they forgot to carry the one. I just despair when people say that thing though, “Come over here, taking our jobs.” Why should you care? You have a job. And the people that don’t are the people that don’t care. Cinema boy is proof that anybody can get a job. The only reason the Polish are here is because we’ve relocated all their Delicatessens anyway. They need to get a plane to complete their weekly shop. You know the people that I don’t get are beggars.
When you live in any big town or city there are bound to be beggars or tramps, some through no fault of their own on the street. It’s a given. It’s sad but you move on. The ones I don’t get are...well I moved to Bournemouth about 2005, so I was fifteen. And walking into town I gave this guy 50p or so for a hostel apparently. The next day he asks again. It’s four years later now, and he is still there. Now what part of this, is a good idea to him? “So Son, how is your career going?” “Yeah not bad Dad, out on the streets everyday.””ever thought of going on the dole?” “The what?” In the time that he has been on the street I have gained qualifications, got halfway through a degree and visited some beautiful countries. It’s just bizarre.
Another one I like is the beggar who never has enough for a return fare to his home. “I need to get a return to my house.” That sort of thing. And the first time you give it but the second or third time you don’t. And as I walk I think, what kind of an idiot gets the bus in the morning without thinking how to get home? Why has he even left if doesn’t have any money to spend in town? When I go out, I normally make sure I know how I’m getting home. Once maybe, but three times you haven’t learnt your lesson? You deserve to not to get home for being a dumb ass motherfucker. And that’s the truth. God, people piss me off. He hasn’t yet answered to that complaint. Anyway, that’s all from me, before I go though, can anyone lend me a bit of money to get home? Cheers.
Alright? It’s a pleasure to see you all here about...ooh about 3 hours after you all got up. Yeah, I know what it’s like. I’m a student too. Lunch at four. You know it’s great to see that the UK will still be okay with us in charge in ten or twenty years time because people, well, they don’t half annoy me at the moment.
I used to work in a petrol station and I had a woman come to my counter. She goes, “Yeah, umm, the prices of petrol are cheaper down the road.” What does she expect me to say? “Ahh, gee. I’m sorry about that. Must have been an oversight on my part, I didn’t realise you were popping in today. I’ll just change that for you.” I mean come on, lady. If their cheaper down the road then go down the fucking road. And then as if to insult me she goes, “Well, I’m going to be taking my business elsewhere.” Ah shit. You know because the £10 you were about to put into your mini cooper was really going to keep this place afloat. I don’t care. I’m on £5.70 an hour. Give a shit if you don’t come back. Not my problem. Take your business elsewhere. But then before she leaves, “Oh and I’ll have a twenty Marlboro lights.” So, I sold them to her and said, “I’m sorry you’re gonna have to take your business elsewhere.” She missed the joke. I don’t care really, she’s dying of cancer soon anyway.
People do just get on my nerves though. I went to the cinema a few weeks ago and this moron behind the counter, you know, the kind of guy that is just a little bit over friendly and is probably a paedophile? He says to me, “Going to see a film huh?” “Ah gee, I was actually here to buy some over priced food, I’m doing my weekly shop but now you mention it, yeah. Why shouldn’t I see a film as it’s a FUCKING CINEMA!” Anyway, I show him my student ID and he’s just typing in the tickets to the computer or whatever when he turns to me and says, “Sorry was it a student or an adult, I forget. Haha!” Haha? Whatever they’re paying you it’s too much.
I’m surprised that people like that guy have even got a job when you know, immigrants and asylum seekers need jobs too. “Oh my god they are taking our jobs!” Yeah, well it’s because all our natives are dumb as shit. The recession was probably caused because they forgot to carry the one. I just despair when people say that thing though, “Come over here, taking our jobs.” Why should you care? You have a job. And the people that don’t are the people that don’t care. Cinema boy is proof that anybody can get a job. The only reason the Polish are here is because we’ve relocated all their Delicatessens anyway. They need to get a plane to complete their weekly shop. You know the people that I don’t get are beggars.
When you live in any big town or city there are bound to be beggars or tramps, some through no fault of their own on the street. It’s a given. It’s sad but you move on. The ones I don’t get are...well I moved to Bournemouth about 2005, so I was fifteen. And walking into town I gave this guy 50p or so for a hostel apparently. The next day he asks again. It’s four years later now, and he is still there. Now what part of this, is a good idea to him? “So Son, how is your career going?” “Yeah not bad Dad, out on the streets everyday.””ever thought of going on the dole?” “The what?” In the time that he has been on the street I have gained qualifications, got halfway through a degree and visited some beautiful countries. It’s just bizarre.
Another one I like is the beggar who never has enough for a return fare to his home. “I need to get a return to my house.” That sort of thing. And the first time you give it but the second or third time you don’t. And as I walk I think, what kind of an idiot gets the bus in the morning without thinking how to get home? Why has he even left if doesn’t have any money to spend in town? When I go out, I normally make sure I know how I’m getting home. Once maybe, but three times you haven’t learnt your lesson? You deserve to not to get home for being a dumb ass motherfucker. And that’s the truth. God, people piss me off. He hasn’t yet answered to that complaint. Anyway, that’s all from me, before I go though, can anyone lend me a bit of money to get home? Cheers.
Monday, 31 August 2009
A Whole Routine
Here's a short routine I came up with as I walked into town yesterday. I'm not sure I can remember it all, so we'll see...
I walk out.
"Hi, hello, hi there. Pleasure to be here, etc, etc. You know many people have it in their mind that it's very nerve-racking for somebody to walk out in front of a large crowd of people they don't know and do comedy by themselves. Umm, I wouldn't know obviously. Having not played to a large crowd as yet. And that doesn't apear to be a duck I'm going to break today.
Now one famous stand up, I won't name him, once tried to compare stand up comedy and the nervousness that goes with it to something people could relate to. He said that it was like 'being on death row and walking the green mile'. Now, I've never been on death row and I have never walked the green mile. However, I don't know, I just think that comparison may be a little bit off.
Obviously, I can't be a hundred percent sure. As far as I'm aware nobody on death row is known for their wacky sense of humour and their cool, calm way of dealing with pressure from an audience. Likewise, i don't know of any stand up comedian that has found themselves on death row. One can only hope that in the future, Jim Davidson, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and James Corden help us to find out if the comparison is actually a good one.
Now, comedy as you probably all know is subjective. You may not like what I like for example. As a result of this, hecklers are...well known shall we say.
At this point I'd wait for a heckle. If one doesn't happen then it's fine as the material should work either way. I'll write as if their is no heckle. you can work out what it would be like if there was. I'll put the extra bit if there was a heckle in italics.
I want to let you into a little secret actually. During my set, like this, every night, I enjoy playing little games with my audience. what I tend to play the most ladies and gentlemen, is a variation of Where's Wally, the popular kid's book. the variation I play is called Spot the Twat, and I can't be sure but I think the game is over a little earlier tonight than it is usually. unless someone else want's to heckle me?
Here, I am hoping someone would be stupid enough to do it. If not then, well I'd just ignore it and finish the set early. So here is what I would say if there was then a heckle...
Ah yes, there we go. A heckle as asked for by me. Now, many people often love to see how a comedian deals with their heckler. Tonight, is going to be a little different. I won't berate him/her I just want you to all think for a second. How many people, when knowing that the man on stage with the microphone has openly stated that he plays a game called spot the cunt with hecklers...How many people, ladies and gentlemen, would then shout out? This man/woman has done just that. He/She has basically shouted out to the room, "I am a twat! Rejoice! For I am the winner of this game! Spot no more! For it is I! The King/Queen of Twats!"
Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this insight into the life of a comic. Sometimes of course, there are instances where you do just die on stage, which is I think what the comedian was getting at when they compared it to walking the green mile. Where you get no laughs and there's just an idiot standing on the stage with a microphone.
I'd stop speaking here for a bit. Then almost come to my sense as I realise I am that idiot.
I mean basically, where you just want the world or something huge, massive, vast to swallow you up whole...that's the second time tonight I've advertised James Corden in my set. This is bizarre. The mind boggles. Anyway, cheers..."
And that is that! Came up with it on the way into town. I personally quite like it, but I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who reads this as I may, just may...actually try it out. We'll have to see.
Thanks for reading.
I walk out.
"Hi, hello, hi there. Pleasure to be here, etc, etc. You know many people have it in their mind that it's very nerve-racking for somebody to walk out in front of a large crowd of people they don't know and do comedy by themselves. Umm, I wouldn't know obviously. Having not played to a large crowd as yet. And that doesn't apear to be a duck I'm going to break today.
Now one famous stand up, I won't name him, once tried to compare stand up comedy and the nervousness that goes with it to something people could relate to. He said that it was like 'being on death row and walking the green mile'. Now, I've never been on death row and I have never walked the green mile. However, I don't know, I just think that comparison may be a little bit off.
Obviously, I can't be a hundred percent sure. As far as I'm aware nobody on death row is known for their wacky sense of humour and their cool, calm way of dealing with pressure from an audience. Likewise, i don't know of any stand up comedian that has found themselves on death row. One can only hope that in the future, Jim Davidson, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and James Corden help us to find out if the comparison is actually a good one.
Now, comedy as you probably all know is subjective. You may not like what I like for example. As a result of this, hecklers are...well known shall we say.
At this point I'd wait for a heckle. If one doesn't happen then it's fine as the material should work either way. I'll write as if their is no heckle. you can work out what it would be like if there was. I'll put the extra bit if there was a heckle in italics.
I want to let you into a little secret actually. During my set, like this, every night, I enjoy playing little games with my audience. what I tend to play the most ladies and gentlemen, is a variation of Where's Wally, the popular kid's book. the variation I play is called Spot the Twat, and I can't be sure but I think the game is over a little earlier tonight than it is usually. unless someone else want's to heckle me?
Here, I am hoping someone would be stupid enough to do it. If not then, well I'd just ignore it and finish the set early. So here is what I would say if there was then a heckle...
Ah yes, there we go. A heckle as asked for by me. Now, many people often love to see how a comedian deals with their heckler. Tonight, is going to be a little different. I won't berate him/her I just want you to all think for a second. How many people, when knowing that the man on stage with the microphone has openly stated that he plays a game called spot the cunt with hecklers...How many people, ladies and gentlemen, would then shout out? This man/woman has done just that. He/She has basically shouted out to the room, "I am a twat! Rejoice! For I am the winner of this game! Spot no more! For it is I! The King/Queen of Twats!"
Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this insight into the life of a comic. Sometimes of course, there are instances where you do just die on stage, which is I think what the comedian was getting at when they compared it to walking the green mile. Where you get no laughs and there's just an idiot standing on the stage with a microphone.
I'd stop speaking here for a bit. Then almost come to my sense as I realise I am that idiot.
I mean basically, where you just want the world or something huge, massive, vast to swallow you up whole...that's the second time tonight I've advertised James Corden in my set. This is bizarre. The mind boggles. Anyway, cheers..."
And that is that! Came up with it on the way into town. I personally quite like it, but I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who reads this as I may, just may...actually try it out. We'll have to see.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, 25 May 2009
Welcome
Welcome to this, The Invisible Comic's first ever post. How exciting. My aim here is simply to write a few things that are meant to be humorous. Be they a sketch, a stand up comedy routine or even a whole sitcom episode, the aim is to enjoy them and (hopefully) make you laugh.
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