Autoerotic Asphyxiation Part 2

This leads me on nicely to a recent story involving autoerotic asphyxiation. Or at least, police suspect it may be so. I’m not sure you’ll have heard it and if you haven’t then I’ll quickly outline it for you. Put simply a person who worked for MI6 was found dead in his flat. But not only that, they pondered that the deceased may well have died as a result of a sexual act known as autoerotic asphyxiation because he wasn’t just found dead. He was found dead in his flat. Within his flat he was within the bathroom. Within the bathroom he was in the bath. Within the bath he was in a sports bag. Now the reason, the police believe it may have been a sexual thing for this man, Gareth Williams, was because in this Russian doll-like mystery, he was actually naked within that sports bag. And that is what stops a murder investigation from perhaps being a murder investigation, because let’s face it, we have all fancied a cheeky wank within a sports bag when the moment arises. And by ‘moment’ I of course mean ‘penis.’

But I digress. The problem I have with this particular theory is that even if you were into being asphyxiated in what one might call an autoerotic way, I very much doubt you’d get fully naked, think the old orange and tie method is a bit too strange for you, and opt for your sports bag. Would you? In the defence of this belief though, maybe Mr. Williams didn’t have an orange or a tie to hand. He may have had the tie and when he then realised he was lacking the orange, opted to follow through with his pleasuring procedure as he couldn’t be bothered to go through with the whole rigmarole of putting his clothes back on, heading out to buy an orange and returning to the flat, only to undress once more. The want of that masturbation may have passed by then. And Gareth needed that orgasm now. Hence the sports bag.

But again, another query rears its ugly head from the recesses of my brain. Why would you clamber into the damn thing? Where’s the logic in that? Surely the whole idea of autoerotic asphyxiation is to starve yourself of air to the brain. So why not put your head in, zip around the neck and then commence? There’s just no logic to the idea of clambering in. This bloke worked for MI6 and he essentially thought that this was the best method of getting himself off? Really?

Let’s say for the sake of argument, Gareth Williams did think this. The zipping round the neck thing didn’t work for him because it reminded him too much of the feeling of a tie around his neck and he hadn’t yet go over his lack of an orange. That or he enjoyed a good ogle at himself as he did the deed. I don’t know. So let’s say for the sake of argument he does jump in the bag and zip it all the way up to maximise his chance of being asphyxiated. Fantastic. But then the question arises as to what exactly he plans to do once he reaches the point of climax. Where will it go? Williams is in a foetal position, in a sports bag and then what? He just covers himself in jizz? That’s got to ruin the mood hasn’t it? The brilliance of the orgasm marred by the complete disgust of what he has just done to himself. He’d have then had to find the zip to the bag, pull himself out and wash himself down; mentally reminding himself to was the bag before his next visit to the gym.

The problem with this whole autoerotic asphyxiation theory is the fact that the investigating police suggested this whole idea in the first place. It makes me wonder how good a detective might be lurking within me. For I have omitted a key detail which may help to better understand why Mr Williams may indeed have been murderer after all. The body was padlocked inside the bag.

Now, either this is a case of murder or Gareth Williams was a bit of a masturbation maverick. He saw himself as top of the game. So what he did was he entered the flat, about to fulfil his craftiest deed yet. He has worked himself down from suitcases to a single sports bag. This was it. He would undress himself and get inside the bag, zipping it up in the process. Perfect. He’d then reach through a torn panel of the bag and place a padlock around the zip. Great. He’d then carefully sew up the bag from the inside, swallow the needle and string in case he failed in his yet-to-be-explained-to-you-the-reader mission and didn’t want to be found in this most embarrassing way because anyone who is anyone would have jumped to the conclusion of autoerotic asphyxiation. I put it to you now, that in this position, the majestic Gareth Williams would then wank himself silly, ejaculate, attempt to undo the lock from the inside like a modern-day Houdini and once on the outside see if he had beaten his personal best for the speed of completion in this task.

So it’s either my theory or murder. The way that the British police seem to be working, I reckon my theory has the edge.

iCash

Steve Jobs is halfway through an Apple keynote conference.

“Well, we have shown you the new iPod touch, the new iPhone and the new iPad. “What else is there?” I hear you ask. Well, that’s right, I am now going to show you the completely revamped and redesigned Apple iTunes store. “In what ways has it changed?” I hear you ask. Well aside from the obvious aesthetic change which you see before you, you may also have noticed a different constant throughout the page. If you can’t see it then look a little closer at the price of the products. It’s not a dollar symbol or a pound sign if you are within the United Kingdom. No, this is a completely new currency which Apple has developed. I give you iCash.

iCash is the currency which will now be using at the Apple iTunes store. It is safer, more secure and easier to understand than any other currency on the market. What’s more, it is a virtual currency, so any fraud that takes place online, stays online. We at Apple value your custom and as such make sure that real money stays in the real world. Think about it. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you crashed a plane in the virtual world on a Flight Simulator and a number of lives were lost, you wouldn’t want that to also apply in the real world, would you? No. Well Apple are doing the same thing with money. We are keeping the real world and virtual world separate with iCash.

“So how exactly does iCash work?” I’m sensing a few of you have that question in your minds right now, so I shall answer it. It’s all very straightforward. You sign up to Apple with your real life bank account, like any other store. You then purchase iCash in the form of credits. One dollar will give you 10 iCash credits. These can then be used to purchase any item in the Apple iTunes store. Prices start at 10 credits for a popular song or application, like Angry Birds for example, right through to whatever is the most expensive application at the moment. You choose the amount of real life money to change into iCash and the store will calculate the rest. After you spend 100 credits, you get 1 credit back, to use again on the store. Simply, we are rewarding the loyal Apple customers with iCashback and this revolutionary new secure form of payment. iCash. It’s the future.

It will of course soon be possible to use iCash in any real life Apple store as well. For a small fee of 10 iCash credits, we will allow you to transfer your iCash from the store to any Apple product such as the iPhone, iPod touch or iPad. This can then be scanned at the Apple store as payment for your new Apple purchase be it an iMac or an Apple TV. Once iCash becomes the main form of payment within just one Apple store, we will support what the customers clearly want and change every store to only accept iCash at the stores.

iCash will help us progress as a company and hopefully you can see the benefits of this new system. It is our intention that as iCash is used more and more often, we will build not just Apple stores but an Apple bank, the iBank, which it will soon be necessary to have an account with, in order to continue to buy anything from Apple, be it a song or a Macbook. We then hope to create an iVillage showcasing all the latest uses of Apple technology. iCash will then help to expand this iVillage into an iTown and then a city. We have already entered into an agreement with a country from the third world to bring it into the first world and amongst the Apple family. This is my next big announcement today ladies and gentlemen, Apple are now the proud owners of the capital city of Turkey. We call it iStanbul and Apple iCash will be the only form of currency accepted in the city once we witness a need from the customers. This loyal fan base will again benefit from our company’s promise to listen to their views and when just one iStanbul resident requests the change, we will make it happen.

Over time, we hope that iStanbul will prosper and it is our belief that the benefits of iCash will help the rest of Turkey join the scheme. We will then look at other cities around the globe to join the Apple family and make it a truly wonderful place which the whole world can enjoy. After iStanbul, we hope that next year we will be able to announce that iCash is now accepted not just in Turkey but also in iOwa City in the US, iBiza in Spain, iWo Jima in Japan and hopefully Manchester in England will agree to be renamed MacChester, but we do not currently have confirmation of that just yet. Following perceived successes in the areas, iCash will spread out into these countries, thus becoming the primary currency in five different countries.

At this point we will move the iCity regime as we have called it, from beta testing into full working order and change not just a single city’s currency, but switch a whole country to iCash with the start of the iCountry scheme. iRaq, iRan, iVory Coast and iTaly in Europe are all within our sights. With iRan and iRaq in particular, we hope that the use of iCash will help solve any current disputes that happen to be ongoing as of this moment in time. It is Apple’s belief that iCash can do this as long as all countries agree to get involved and hopefully iCash will then take over from the unstable dollar, pound and euro as the world’s premier currency. We will of course discuss iCash further at the next Apple keynote but to put it in a nutshell for everyone, iCash is simply Apple’s way of thanking the loyal fan base that have supported us for so many years, by offering them a faster and more user friendly experience in this post-recession world.

So that’s iCash. An apple thank-you. Your money. Our way.”

Essays to Suicide Bombers

Let's see what I come out with here.

'Hi.

So I'm a student. Are you all students? Yeah? Anyone got any deadlines looming? Yeah? And yet you thought you'd waste a night coming here. Nice plan, dude. I mean...it's only three and a half grand we're wasting.

A YEAR.

Well...I only ask because I'm here when I have an essay deadline looming. It's five days away but I think that's okay. Would everyone agree with me that that's okay? Yeah. Five hours and then you may question it. But five days is fine.

God did some amazing work in five days. I mean some of it's shoddy, let's not lie. France was a particularly bad idea. And putting Germany next to Poland on the map. I mean, he's meant to be all knowing so surely he knew what was going to happen there. When you think about it, God didn't really think it through. He put all the close rivals next to each other on the global map. What a tool. I mean putting Palestine next to Israel was just asking for trouble. We know what they're like.

I think it's hard for us as a nation to understand what is going on in Palestine and Israel. My friend once tried to put it into context by saying with a shake of his head, 'Suicide bombers. They're fucking everywhere.' Well...no they're not. I mean they are there but not for long. So, I'm not really sure if they are a set group of people really.

But I think it'd be weird if we had suicide bombers in the UK because the way I see it, the UK just wouldn't care.

'What's happened sorry? He's blown himself up? Well what did he do that for? It's not like the train's never going to arrive, it's just a few minutes late.'

Well, I feel I have procrastinated from my essay enough and I have no idea how I got onto talking about suicide bombers after intending to write about essays as I am stuck on one as I type. But there we go.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I often wonder where my topics come from. Like today...

I thought about the word 'cum' - why is it spelt differently to come? Who first spelt that differently...wait! Why is it called cum? Because you ..come...or have came..who first said they came?!

"I've come"
"You've what?"

Stupid Sayings

Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.

The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?

When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.

So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.

The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?

EVER?

EVER?!

Yes, ever.

Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.

Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.

That last bit is pretty important...

The Future

So, anyone else find the future exciting? Who knows what is just around the corner? But thinking even further ahead, we get to, hopefully, experience marriage and of course becoming a parent.

Now this is something I am really looking forward to, and after a discussion with a friend the other day, I think I may need a really loving wife to allow me to do all the things with my children that I want to do. If you suddenly have Josef Fritzl images in your mind then you are on the wrong track entirely.

What I mean is just general things which you can only get away with if you are the parent of said child. When my child is only a few days old I want him or her to sleep in a shoebox. Just for a laugh. Take a photo and hide it away for use in future years.

When the wife goes out, leaving me with the baby fast asleep, I want to play a quick game of human buckaroo, chucking al sorts of rubbish over my first born. Pens, receipts, condoms...I may even buy a pack of cigarettes just to play the game with them. I put 4 between the fingers. And light them. When my child gets their first graze, I'll administer a plaster in the form of an apple sticker. Just because I can and they don't stay small forever.

Photos will be taken when they are naked of course. And if it's a bloke, the penis size will undoubtedly be taken the piss out of. I might put on an upset expression and the international sign for 'tiny cock' behind my newborn. Ah what delights we can look forward to.

But my best plan, well I like to think so, is to place a marmite lid on their tiny head and take a picture. Just because it looks funny. you may have noticed I am a white guy so it may not look as good as if I had a black baby. some people have called that joke racist, so to even it out, I may put a marmite lid on a friend's black baby and a mayonnaise lid on mine.

Is this cruel? I don't think so. I mean they will be costing me a fortune over the next two decades so I think I deserve some laughter now. The only problem I have is if my wife doesn't find any of these things funny. But when the cat's away...

Thinking about it now, I don't think I'm fit to be a parent.

Animal Experiments and Hitler's Hairdresser

So today I have been thinking about animal experiments. Nothing cruel just like...well you know when all the sheep of a flock are sheared for their wool? What if you only sheared one and watch what happens? That could be interesting. You get a kind of punk sheep as a result. One who doesn't vie a shit due to it's skin head, well skin body type appearance.

"I'm a baaaaaaad ass motherfucker."

Then I thought no. Where you could really have fun is by feeding a sloth some coffee. and get it proper addicted. Or any kind of caffeine. A sloth on red bull. Just imagine that.

"I'm kind of tired, man. Thought I might rest here."
"What? No! Check this out, I'm climbing this branch. Woo, yer!"

I dunno really. These are all just kind of ideas of jokes rather than actual jokes currently. Although the image f a hyper sloth is pretty cool. He could pretend to be slow like the others then run around when the zookeeper comes to fetch him.

But animal experiments, I don't really agree with that.

"Dude, I just put lipstick on a rabbit."
"What? Why?"
"Dude I just grafted an ear onto a mouse!"
"what the fu- what are you, a Nazi? What the hell is wrong with you Dave?"

The Nazi's too, I have a problem with them. I mean who doesn't right. But I have this theory that Hitler, you know for all his bad points, his appearance was well groomed. Someone had to do that right? Hitler's hairdresser. That man I'd love to have a chat with. Hitler's hairdresser. He had scissors so close to Hitler's neck and yet he chose to cut his hair with them? C'mon man, just a quick jab to the neck and it's all over. Blood everywhere. Hitler dead. World War II. Over.

(in camp accent) "I couldn't possibly d that, Henry, these scissors are da finest stainless steel!"

Gah. Whatever, I'm out of here. Adios amigos.

Pavement Walking

We've all done it. You leave the house, do a right and walk along the pavement and see someone coming the other way. And you know instantly what will happen. You are both walking in the centre of the pavement - avoiding branches on one side, the road on the other. Both very sensible positions, until you meet. From about ten metres apart you realise the problem - carry on like this and you'll surely bump into each other. So you both start swaying form one way to the other trying to second guess the other person. Whilst doing this you continue moving forward. Just to add to the thrill, I guess. Will we manage it before we hit each other? Sometiems, the answer is yes. Other times it is not and you couldn't feel more like a failure of a human being if you tried. Oh the shame! Oh! The shame!

Stay calm. You both stop. then sway on the spot. Smiling. Always smiling. You continue saying 'you're a twat' over and over again in your head. Unsure whther you are aiming it at them or yourself. Then one of you takes the courage to stop. The other watches this, still swaying. They stop and decide yes, I shall take the left. And for some indefinable reason, the person who was still swaying suddenly decides that no, they want the left too. So you both stop on the left. You look at each other again and sway to the right. Both of you. One person holds their ground, the other weakens and goes for the left again. Then you both walk on. Smiling and apologising as you pass. Both of you acknowledging you are a failure as a human being. Promising to never again indulge in such tomfoolery. Ultimately swearing never again to be such a tool. Such an absolute idiot. And then you wonder...did I lock the door when I left?

Film idea

So yeah.

Haven't written here for a bit as I was concentrating on passing my driving test which I passed. Excellent.

Anyway, after watching The Hangover, I have decided to try and come up with a hilarious film premise. So far, I have failed. But i'm sure I'll think one up soon enough.

In the mean time I shall leave you with this joke that I came up with way way back.

Q: What do you call and red head who invades the world?

A: Gingerskahn.

Radical.

The Nap Is Back

Recently I have been at wrok writing for a campaign entitled, The Nap Is Back. The presentation went extremely well today, with the Channel 4 Head of Talent in the audience finding no negatives to the campaign. She stated it was perfect for E4, witty, fast-paced, brilliant dialogue, very funny and surreal and an excellent presentation.

As you can imagine, we were very proud of this. I wrote and starred in the presentation and wrote the campaign videos seen below. Hope you enjoy them!



18 second trailer for 80's video.



1.20 min 1950's video.



3.05 min 1980's video.

So there you go. That's science!

A short routine

Okay, I have never tried stand up in my life. However I often write things that I would use were I to have the nerve to try out stand up. Without further ado, this is the first and also, extremely short routine I will share. It is written exactly how I'd say it, minus pausing. I haven't edited it or anything, so this is a first draft. Excitement. I call it McVodka. You can call it something else, it's not like it'll ever be seen on a DVD.

McVodka

I was out the other day, when I walked past a McDonald's and a thought struck me. This is a restaurant. It bills as such on the outside, but wouldn't be great if it was licensed? A licensed McDonald's where you can just go to after a hard morning and ask for a slightly heavier drink to go with your Big Mac.

"Yeah, hi there Dane, i'd lik the err...Big Mac meal please."

There's always an 'err...' before you order, has anyone else noticed that? Like you are reconsidering buying this food. Like you know it will fill you up for five minutes but after that five minutes is over you will regret spending money and your stomach won't even know you have been eating. Anyway...

"Sure thing, what drink would you like with that?"

"Err..."

There it is again. "Err..." You know exactly what drink, you know exactly what food. It's like there's still time to reconsider but no, you leap right in and order the same drink as every other time you order from a fast food chain. But wait. What's this? A licensed McDonald's?

"Err...you know what today I think I'll have the err... McVodka."

And that'd be it. Maybe the McVodka with orange rather than drinking it straight. Wouldn't it be great? But the best thing here is cost.

"Sure thing sir, would you like that supersized for 30p more?"

"You know what Dane? I think I will!"

Welcome

Welcome to this, The Invisible Comic's first ever post. How exciting. My aim here is simply to write a few things that are meant to be humorous. Be they a sketch, a stand up comedy routine or even a whole sitcom episode, the aim is to enjoy them and (hopefully) make you laugh.