We've all done it. You leave the house, do a right and walk along the pavement and see someone coming the other way. And you know instantly what will happen. You are both walking in the centre of the pavement - avoiding branches on one side, the road on the other. Both very sensible positions, until you meet. From about ten metres apart you realise the problem - carry on like this and you'll surely bump into each other. So you both start swaying form one way to the other trying to second guess the other person. Whilst doing this you continue moving forward. Just to add to the thrill, I guess. Will we manage it before we hit each other? Sometiems, the answer is yes. Other times it is not and you couldn't feel more like a failure of a human being if you tried. Oh the shame! Oh! The shame!
Stay calm. You both stop. then sway on the spot. Smiling. Always smiling. You continue saying 'you're a twat' over and over again in your head. Unsure whther you are aiming it at them or yourself. Then one of you takes the courage to stop. The other watches this, still swaying. They stop and decide yes, I shall take the left. And for some indefinable reason, the person who was still swaying suddenly decides that no, they want the left too. So you both stop on the left. You look at each other again and sway to the right. Both of you. One person holds their ground, the other weakens and goes for the left again. Then you both walk on. Smiling and apologising as you pass. Both of you acknowledging you are a failure as a human being. Promising to never again indulge in such tomfoolery. Ultimately swearing never again to be such a tool. Such an absolute idiot. And then you wonder...did I lock the door when I left?
Showing posts with label back to the future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label back to the future. Show all posts
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
I have hurt my knee
And can barely walk. But why let that get in the way of a good joke?
Here's one I came up with the other day.
What do you call a racist entertainer?
A ku klux clown.
Oh yes. Off to casualty in a few minutes. Gotta keep the humour going!
Here's one I came up with the other day.
What do you call a racist entertainer?
A ku klux clown.
Oh yes. Off to casualty in a few minutes. Gotta keep the humour going!
Friday, 12 June 2009
A stand-up thought
I had a thought tonight. Yes, a real one. My thought surrounded the start of world war 3 and what I'd do if it ever happened. I'd like to say I put lots of thought into whether I'd sign up or not but I didn't. It took about 3 seconds for me to come to the conclusion of 'fuck that'.
I wouldn't of course, not be helping at all. I would just help the war effort in other, less dangerous ways. I'd offer to protect Bournemouth beach for instance. Deckchair, sunglasses and suncream included. During Winter and at night time, I'd probably hire someone to do it for me. I wuldn't not do anything during Winter either though, oh no!
During Winter, I'd pop over to Australia and protect the allies beaches. That's me, going that extra mile, or in this case, 10,650.6 extra miles on top of that original mile. All for free to the British taxpayer in exchange for a nice flight over.
The probem with modern warfare these days is that there just isn't a checkpoint, is there? You can't respawn if you make a mistake. You can't work out that you have been fighting for 4 or so hours and are therefore halfway through the war. I say that's a problem with mordern warfare but it's pretty much a problem with all warfare, ever invented.
Unless of course you own a time travelling DeLorean, in which case you can kind of work out exactly what will happen.
"Ah, this is Dunkirk, this is a hard level!"
Talking of Back to the Future, I have a problem with that film. Well, the second one anyway. I recently watched it and had to re-watch it to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. But seriously, if you watch it really closely there is a massive mistake. Huge. They go to 2015 and not once did Marty McFly shake.
Seriously though, if Michael J Fox doesn't win the Oscar in 2015 for that performance, he'll have been robbed. Which incidentally, is a lot easier to do to him these days. Except in an Earthquake, that puts everyone on a level playing field. In fact, if there is an earthquake then it gives a chance for Michael J Fox to steal from others.
How would you know if he is scared of a horror film?
"He's shaking!"
"He does that anyway...Michael, I want a drink, here's some flavoured milk and ice cream. See what you can make with those ingredients."
Truth be told, not a lot. I thought milkshake and you no doubt thought the same. No. It went everywhere.
So yeah, I've given Michael J Fox a lot of flack here, somewhat harshly. But ah, he should be able to shake it off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you go. As i started writing this, I had only got up to the Bournemouth beach part. I have actually written a good minute or two of material there. That I'll doubtfully ever use. Whoops. But if people actually do find this funny then...who knows, one day.
I wouldn't of course, not be helping at all. I would just help the war effort in other, less dangerous ways. I'd offer to protect Bournemouth beach for instance. Deckchair, sunglasses and suncream included. During Winter and at night time, I'd probably hire someone to do it for me. I wuldn't not do anything during Winter either though, oh no!
During Winter, I'd pop over to Australia and protect the allies beaches. That's me, going that extra mile, or in this case, 10,650.6 extra miles on top of that original mile. All for free to the British taxpayer in exchange for a nice flight over.
The probem with modern warfare these days is that there just isn't a checkpoint, is there? You can't respawn if you make a mistake. You can't work out that you have been fighting for 4 or so hours and are therefore halfway through the war. I say that's a problem with mordern warfare but it's pretty much a problem with all warfare, ever invented.
Unless of course you own a time travelling DeLorean, in which case you can kind of work out exactly what will happen.
"Ah, this is Dunkirk, this is a hard level!"
Talking of Back to the Future, I have a problem with that film. Well, the second one anyway. I recently watched it and had to re-watch it to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me. But seriously, if you watch it really closely there is a massive mistake. Huge. They go to 2015 and not once did Marty McFly shake.
Seriously though, if Michael J Fox doesn't win the Oscar in 2015 for that performance, he'll have been robbed. Which incidentally, is a lot easier to do to him these days. Except in an Earthquake, that puts everyone on a level playing field. In fact, if there is an earthquake then it gives a chance for Michael J Fox to steal from others.
How would you know if he is scared of a horror film?
"He's shaking!"
"He does that anyway...Michael, I want a drink, here's some flavoured milk and ice cream. See what you can make with those ingredients."
Truth be told, not a lot. I thought milkshake and you no doubt thought the same. No. It went everywhere.
So yeah, I've given Michael J Fox a lot of flack here, somewhat harshly. But ah, he should be able to shake it off.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there you go. As i started writing this, I had only got up to the Bournemouth beach part. I have actually written a good minute or two of material there. That I'll doubtfully ever use. Whoops. But if people actually do find this funny then...who knows, one day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)