So, anyone else find the future exciting? Who knows what is just around the corner? But thinking even further ahead, we get to, hopefully, experience marriage and of course becoming a parent.
Now this is something I am really looking forward to, and after a discussion with a friend the other day, I think I may need a really loving wife to allow me to do all the things with my children that I want to do. If you suddenly have Josef Fritzl images in your mind then you are on the wrong track entirely.
What I mean is just general things which you can only get away with if you are the parent of said child. When my child is only a few days old I want him or her to sleep in a shoebox. Just for a laugh. Take a photo and hide it away for use in future years.
When the wife goes out, leaving me with the baby fast asleep, I want to play a quick game of human buckaroo, chucking al sorts of rubbish over my first born. Pens, receipts, condoms...I may even buy a pack of cigarettes just to play the game with them. I put 4 between the fingers. And light them. When my child gets their first graze, I'll administer a plaster in the form of an apple sticker. Just because I can and they don't stay small forever.
Photos will be taken when they are naked of course. And if it's a bloke, the penis size will undoubtedly be taken the piss out of. I might put on an upset expression and the international sign for 'tiny cock' behind my newborn. Ah what delights we can look forward to.
But my best plan, well I like to think so, is to place a marmite lid on their tiny head and take a picture. Just because it looks funny. you may have noticed I am a white guy so it may not look as good as if I had a black baby. some people have called that joke racist, so to even it out, I may put a marmite lid on a friend's black baby and a mayonnaise lid on mine.
Is this cruel? I don't think so. I mean they will be costing me a fortune over the next two decades so I think I deserve some laughter now. The only problem I have is if my wife doesn't find any of these things funny. But when the cat's away...
Thinking about it now, I don't think I'm fit to be a parent.
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