Heckler

My brother has pointed out to me that if I said we like to play spot the twat when on stage, a heckler would probably say, "He's on stage."

So I have tried to work out a way of defecting that. My best idea so far is simply to say, "Hush please, I said we were playing spot the twat not wanker of the week." But that could come off as me saying I am a wanker...hmm.

Maybe, "Schizophrenia's a terrible thing." Is that a bit vague?

Maybe, "But you aren't on stage." Is that a decent deflection? Probably not. Or maybe...

"Very witty, very clever of you. So you know it's quite hard for someone to walk on stage and try to tell jokes to an audience they don't know and yet you try and make it even harder. What, did you punch your mum as you were being born? Yeah? Or do you step on the fireman's hose when they're putting out a fire? Hmm? 'Cos the way I see it, you're not currently standing up here with a microphone. You are just sitting in your own corner of misery, sipping from a pint of desperation wondering why the fuck you're so lonely and you have so far amounted to nothing in life. So am I really the twat here? Or is it you, the man who tried to be funny in an attempt to get respect and some friends to help ease his depression and in a return got a verbal backlash he wasn't really ready for. I'm the one with the microphone remember, think before you speak. The real sad thing is, you did. And look where that got you."

But... Maybe that's too harsh.