Stand Up - People

So here is a random full routine I just wrote on people, intended for a student audience hence the opening paragraph. It contains swearing. Deal with it.

Alright? It’s a pleasure to see you all here about...ooh about 3 hours after you all got up. Yeah, I know what it’s like. I’m a student too. Lunch at four. You know it’s great to see that the UK will still be okay with us in charge in ten or twenty years time because people, well, they don’t half annoy me at the moment.

I used to work in a petrol station and I had a woman come to my counter. She goes, “Yeah, umm, the prices of petrol are cheaper down the road.” What does she expect me to say? “Ahh, gee. I’m sorry about that. Must have been an oversight on my part, I didn’t realise you were popping in today. I’ll just change that for you.” I mean come on, lady. If their cheaper down the road then go down the fucking road. And then as if to insult me she goes, “Well, I’m going to be taking my business elsewhere.” Ah shit. You know because the £10 you were about to put into your mini cooper was really going to keep this place afloat. I don’t care. I’m on £5.70 an hour. Give a shit if you don’t come back. Not my problem. Take your business elsewhere. But then before she leaves, “Oh and I’ll have a twenty Marlboro lights.” So, I sold them to her and said, “I’m sorry you’re gonna have to take your business elsewhere.” She missed the joke. I don’t care really, she’s dying of cancer soon anyway.

People do just get on my nerves though. I went to the cinema a few weeks ago and this moron behind the counter, you know, the kind of guy that is just a little bit over friendly and is probably a paedophile? He says to me, “Going to see a film huh?” “Ah gee, I was actually here to buy some over priced food, I’m doing my weekly shop but now you mention it, yeah. Why shouldn’t I see a film as it’s a FUCKING CINEMA!” Anyway, I show him my student ID and he’s just typing in the tickets to the computer or whatever when he turns to me and says, “Sorry was it a student or an adult, I forget. Haha!” Haha? Whatever they’re paying you it’s too much.

I’m surprised that people like that guy have even got a job when you know, immigrants and asylum seekers need jobs too. “Oh my god they are taking our jobs!” Yeah, well it’s because all our natives are dumb as shit. The recession was probably caused because they forgot to carry the one. I just despair when people say that thing though, “Come over here, taking our jobs.” Why should you care? You have a job. And the people that don’t are the people that don’t care. Cinema boy is proof that anybody can get a job. The only reason the Polish are here is because we’ve relocated all their Delicatessens anyway. They need to get a plane to complete their weekly shop. You know the people that I don’t get are beggars.

When you live in any big town or city there are bound to be beggars or tramps, some through no fault of their own on the street. It’s a given. It’s sad but you move on. The ones I don’t get are...well I moved to Bournemouth about 2005, so I was fifteen. And walking into town I gave this guy 50p or so for a hostel apparently. The next day he asks again. It’s four years later now, and he is still there. Now what part of this, is a good idea to him? “So Son, how is your career going?” “Yeah not bad Dad, out on the streets everyday.””ever thought of going on the dole?” “The what?” In the time that he has been on the street I have gained qualifications, got halfway through a degree and visited some beautiful countries. It’s just bizarre.

Another one I like is the beggar who never has enough for a return fare to his home. “I need to get a return to my house.” That sort of thing. And the first time you give it but the second or third time you don’t. And as I walk I think, what kind of an idiot gets the bus in the morning without thinking how to get home? Why has he even left if doesn’t have any money to spend in town? When I go out, I normally make sure I know how I’m getting home. Once maybe, but three times you haven’t learnt your lesson? You deserve to not to get home for being a dumb ass motherfucker. And that’s the truth. God, people piss me off. He hasn’t yet answered to that complaint. Anyway, that’s all from me, before I go though, can anyone lend me a bit of money to get home? Cheers.