Benches

Well here's a joke I've had stored a way for a while...and I was reminded of it last night. So before I forget it, I feel I should post it up.

"So...benches are interesting I think. Often in weird locations and you wonder why someone would ever want to stare at a main road. But quite often, and I'm sure you've noticed this, they have a little memorial plaque to a loved one. Something saying, 'For Edgar Westwick, who loved this spot. 1932-2004' And some people think, 'Ah well that's nice.' But not me. How dare they. HOW DARE THEY! You didn't love him at all, did you? He may have loved that spot so what have you gone and done? You've gone and put a fucking bench there and ruined it.

What a disgrace. He must be rolling around in his grave."

And there we go.

Text Books

Something I have been meaning to post for a while is a thought on text books. We all know them and we all used to loathe them. Some of us still do, but their names have changed from text books to theory books. Some have grown up with a theory book though, which they may grow to loathe over time if they are not as much of a fan of the book as their family. We call these people Christians.

Anyway, what I have been thinking about really, are the text books you received when in your teenage years. Biology, Physics, Chemistry and the most important one for this point, Maths. Now my trouble with the Maths text book is that you used to get given homework like, "Page 74, questions 1 to 6." Doesn't seem pointless until you realise the answers are at the back which is what you check for in every text book as soon as you receive it.

The teacher of course would continue, "Now I know the answers are at the back but I don't want you to cheat. I'll be wanting your working too." Ah shit. Although, not really because as a nation of cheaters, we'd invariably look at the question, look at the answer and try and figure out how the hell it equals that and adjust my working accordingly. Occasionally putting a '?' after the answer I knew to be correct, just to make it look as though I was unsure. Yes, I was a genius child.

But no, the problem I have with text books, and the thing that has been bothering me about them is that someone actually had to write the fucker in the first place. Who the hell writes a text book? How dull do you have to be? Who aspires to write one? Fair enough, if it is Biology then you are at last writing a scientific book of sorts. If it is Maths though, then wow, you are a boring individual. Writing out questions for students, then working them out yourself. "My name is Bob and I write maths text books." Gee, Bob, I bet you're the life and soul of the party.

And who the hells does bob hang out with? Especially when his questions veer away from the mind numbingness of quadratics?

"Hi, I'm Bob."

"Oh hello, my name is Jazuki and this is my friend Nimar. We were just talking about how long it takes us to get to work if we walk 4 miles along a busy road where we are interrupted at 6 intervals for 2 minutes each and our regular speed is 5miles per hour."

"Hmm..."

And so it goes...'Nimar and Jazuki were working out how long it takes them to walk to work.." Who the FUCK does that? And who the hell has the name Jazuki?! Way to be politically correct, Bob.

Yes, Maths was a waste of time but hey! At least I now know how to work out a quadratic equation and I have to say it may well be the MOST useful thing I ever learnt at school. Right up there with knowing all about the Battle of Ypres, just in case I ever plan on invading Belgium. And who the hell would want to do that?

The Future

So, anyone else find the future exciting? Who knows what is just around the corner? But thinking even further ahead, we get to, hopefully, experience marriage and of course becoming a parent.

Now this is something I am really looking forward to, and after a discussion with a friend the other day, I think I may need a really loving wife to allow me to do all the things with my children that I want to do. If you suddenly have Josef Fritzl images in your mind then you are on the wrong track entirely.

What I mean is just general things which you can only get away with if you are the parent of said child. When my child is only a few days old I want him or her to sleep in a shoebox. Just for a laugh. Take a photo and hide it away for use in future years.

When the wife goes out, leaving me with the baby fast asleep, I want to play a quick game of human buckaroo, chucking al sorts of rubbish over my first born. Pens, receipts, condoms...I may even buy a pack of cigarettes just to play the game with them. I put 4 between the fingers. And light them. When my child gets their first graze, I'll administer a plaster in the form of an apple sticker. Just because I can and they don't stay small forever.

Photos will be taken when they are naked of course. And if it's a bloke, the penis size will undoubtedly be taken the piss out of. I might put on an upset expression and the international sign for 'tiny cock' behind my newborn. Ah what delights we can look forward to.

But my best plan, well I like to think so, is to place a marmite lid on their tiny head and take a picture. Just because it looks funny. you may have noticed I am a white guy so it may not look as good as if I had a black baby. some people have called that joke racist, so to even it out, I may put a marmite lid on a friend's black baby and a mayonnaise lid on mine.

Is this cruel? I don't think so. I mean they will be costing me a fortune over the next two decades so I think I deserve some laughter now. The only problem I have is if my wife doesn't find any of these things funny. But when the cat's away...

Thinking about it now, I don't think I'm fit to be a parent.

A short routine

Okay, I have never tried stand up in my life. However I often write things that I would use were I to have the nerve to try out stand up. Without further ado, this is the first and also, extremely short routine I will share. It is written exactly how I'd say it, minus pausing. I haven't edited it or anything, so this is a first draft. Excitement. I call it McVodka. You can call it something else, it's not like it'll ever be seen on a DVD.

McVodka

I was out the other day, when I walked past a McDonald's and a thought struck me. This is a restaurant. It bills as such on the outside, but wouldn't be great if it was licensed? A licensed McDonald's where you can just go to after a hard morning and ask for a slightly heavier drink to go with your Big Mac.

"Yeah, hi there Dane, i'd lik the err...Big Mac meal please."

There's always an 'err...' before you order, has anyone else noticed that? Like you are reconsidering buying this food. Like you know it will fill you up for five minutes but after that five minutes is over you will regret spending money and your stomach won't even know you have been eating. Anyway...

"Sure thing, what drink would you like with that?"

"Err..."

There it is again. "Err..." You know exactly what drink, you know exactly what food. It's like there's still time to reconsider but no, you leap right in and order the same drink as every other time you order from a fast food chain. But wait. What's this? A licensed McDonald's?

"Err...you know what today I think I'll have the err... McVodka."

And that'd be it. Maybe the McVodka with orange rather than drinking it straight. Wouldn't it be great? But the best thing here is cost.

"Sure thing sir, would you like that supersized for 30p more?"

"You know what Dane? I think I will!"