Text Books

Something I have been meaning to post for a while is a thought on text books. We all know them and we all used to loathe them. Some of us still do, but their names have changed from text books to theory books. Some have grown up with a theory book though, which they may grow to loathe over time if they are not as much of a fan of the book as their family. We call these people Christians.

Anyway, what I have been thinking about really, are the text books you received when in your teenage years. Biology, Physics, Chemistry and the most important one for this point, Maths. Now my trouble with the Maths text book is that you used to get given homework like, "Page 74, questions 1 to 6." Doesn't seem pointless until you realise the answers are at the back which is what you check for in every text book as soon as you receive it.

The teacher of course would continue, "Now I know the answers are at the back but I don't want you to cheat. I'll be wanting your working too." Ah shit. Although, not really because as a nation of cheaters, we'd invariably look at the question, look at the answer and try and figure out how the hell it equals that and adjust my working accordingly. Occasionally putting a '?' after the answer I knew to be correct, just to make it look as though I was unsure. Yes, I was a genius child.

But no, the problem I have with text books, and the thing that has been bothering me about them is that someone actually had to write the fucker in the first place. Who the hell writes a text book? How dull do you have to be? Who aspires to write one? Fair enough, if it is Biology then you are at last writing a scientific book of sorts. If it is Maths though, then wow, you are a boring individual. Writing out questions for students, then working them out yourself. "My name is Bob and I write maths text books." Gee, Bob, I bet you're the life and soul of the party.

And who the hells does bob hang out with? Especially when his questions veer away from the mind numbingness of quadratics?

"Hi, I'm Bob."

"Oh hello, my name is Jazuki and this is my friend Nimar. We were just talking about how long it takes us to get to work if we walk 4 miles along a busy road where we are interrupted at 6 intervals for 2 minutes each and our regular speed is 5miles per hour."

"Hmm..."

And so it goes...'Nimar and Jazuki were working out how long it takes them to walk to work.." Who the FUCK does that? And who the hell has the name Jazuki?! Way to be politically correct, Bob.

Yes, Maths was a waste of time but hey! At least I now know how to work out a quadratic equation and I have to say it may well be the MOST useful thing I ever learnt at school. Right up there with knowing all about the Battle of Ypres, just in case I ever plan on invading Belgium. And who the hell would want to do that?

Two Sketches

As said in the previous post below which I only posted a few minutes ago, so you won't have had time to read it...here are two sketches I wrote last night. enjoy! And if you don't enjoy them, well...tough.

St Peter

St Peter: Enjoy your stay in Heaven.

Man: Hi.

St Peter: Hello Welcome. Enjoy your-

Man: Pete isn’t it?

St Peter: Haha, SAINT PEE-TER, I think you’ll find. Enjoy your-

Man: No, yeah, Pete.

St Peter: SAINT PEE-TER.

Man: Yeah, whatever. And this is heaven yeah?

St Peter: It is indeed.

Man: Ever been inside?

St Peter: Heaven? No, no, no. I guard the gates here you see.

Man: Ah right. Very commendable.

St Peter: Thank you.

Man: So what’s it like inside?

St Peter: Well it’s Heaven isn’t it? So it’s paradise, from what I hear.

Man: So what, you never take breaks? Relieved by someone else?

St Peter: No I...full time. You know how it is.

Man: Yeah but surely you must get some breaks?

St Peter: Umm...no. Someone has to guard the gates.

Man: Yeah well you could get cover?

St Peter: Well I’m guarding the gates...

Man: Yeah but what do the others do?

St Peter: Others?

Man: Yeah, Jesus and the crew.

St Peter: Well Judas...

Man: No, I know about Judas but the others. Where are they?

St Peter: Well they-they...

Man: They’re in Heaven aren’t they? Living it up large in paradise whilst you guard the gates. These are supposed to be your friends.

St Peter: Well they are...

Man: Doesn’t sound like it.

St Peter: Well the gates need to be guarded.

Man: Why do they? Don’t you get sent straight to Hell if you’re going there and straight here if you're going to Heaven?

St Peter: I...I guess.

Man: And why guard the gates? There’s no fence, so anyway can go in.

St Peter: Well it’s tradition.

Man: It’s a disgrace is what it is. How long have you been guarding these gates for?

St Peter: Thousands of years...

Man: And how long are you guarding them for before you are allowed into Heaven??

St Peter: Well, for eternity.

Man: Ouch man. That’s a bad deal. Still, better luck next time, eh? Nice chatting. Have a good day.

Man walks through the gates leaving a very upset St Peter at the gates.

St Peter: Welcome, enjoy your stay in Heaven...

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The Not-so-Good Samaritan

A man lies dying on the floor.

A priest walks by.

Man: A priest! Help me!

The priest walks on.

A levite walks by.

Man: A levite thank God! Help me!

The levite walks on.

A Samaritan appears.

Man: Help me!

Samaritan: I shall indeed help you, my child.

He walks towards the dying man. His phone goes off. He answers it.

Samaritan: Hello, Samaritans? A man in trouble? I’ll be there!

The Samaritan turns to the dying man.

Samaritan: Sorry, I’ve got to go.

Samaritan walks off.

David Blaine appears.

David Blaine: Hi, I’m David Blaine. I’ll help you.

Man: Screw that.

Man dies.

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And so there we have it. Two sketches. Not sure if the David Blaine things works or not. Who knows.

Edit: My brother wants some credit for the latter sketch. So I gave him 25 man points. Ho ho ho, etc.