Two Sketches

As said in the previous post below which I only posted a few minutes ago, so you won't have had time to read it...here are two sketches I wrote last night. enjoy! And if you don't enjoy them, well...tough.

St Peter

St Peter: Enjoy your stay in Heaven.

Man: Hi.

St Peter: Hello Welcome. Enjoy your-

Man: Pete isn’t it?

St Peter: Haha, SAINT PEE-TER, I think you’ll find. Enjoy your-

Man: No, yeah, Pete.

St Peter: SAINT PEE-TER.

Man: Yeah, whatever. And this is heaven yeah?

St Peter: It is indeed.

Man: Ever been inside?

St Peter: Heaven? No, no, no. I guard the gates here you see.

Man: Ah right. Very commendable.

St Peter: Thank you.

Man: So what’s it like inside?

St Peter: Well it’s Heaven isn’t it? So it’s paradise, from what I hear.

Man: So what, you never take breaks? Relieved by someone else?

St Peter: No I...full time. You know how it is.

Man: Yeah but surely you must get some breaks?

St Peter: Umm...no. Someone has to guard the gates.

Man: Yeah well you could get cover?

St Peter: Well I’m guarding the gates...

Man: Yeah but what do the others do?

St Peter: Others?

Man: Yeah, Jesus and the crew.

St Peter: Well Judas...

Man: No, I know about Judas but the others. Where are they?

St Peter: Well they-they...

Man: They’re in Heaven aren’t they? Living it up large in paradise whilst you guard the gates. These are supposed to be your friends.

St Peter: Well they are...

Man: Doesn’t sound like it.

St Peter: Well the gates need to be guarded.

Man: Why do they? Don’t you get sent straight to Hell if you’re going there and straight here if you're going to Heaven?

St Peter: I...I guess.

Man: And why guard the gates? There’s no fence, so anyway can go in.

St Peter: Well it’s tradition.

Man: It’s a disgrace is what it is. How long have you been guarding these gates for?

St Peter: Thousands of years...

Man: And how long are you guarding them for before you are allowed into Heaven??

St Peter: Well, for eternity.

Man: Ouch man. That’s a bad deal. Still, better luck next time, eh? Nice chatting. Have a good day.

Man walks through the gates leaving a very upset St Peter at the gates.

St Peter: Welcome, enjoy your stay in Heaven...

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The Not-so-Good Samaritan

A man lies dying on the floor.

A priest walks by.

Man: A priest! Help me!

The priest walks on.

A levite walks by.

Man: A levite thank God! Help me!

The levite walks on.

A Samaritan appears.

Man: Help me!

Samaritan: I shall indeed help you, my child.

He walks towards the dying man. His phone goes off. He answers it.

Samaritan: Hello, Samaritans? A man in trouble? I’ll be there!

The Samaritan turns to the dying man.

Samaritan: Sorry, I’ve got to go.

Samaritan walks off.

David Blaine appears.

David Blaine: Hi, I’m David Blaine. I’ll help you.

Man: Screw that.

Man dies.

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And so there we have it. Two sketches. Not sure if the David Blaine things works or not. Who knows.

Edit: My brother wants some credit for the latter sketch. So I gave him 25 man points. Ho ho ho, etc.