Two Sketches

As said in the previous post below which I only posted a few minutes ago, so you won't have had time to read it...here are two sketches I wrote last night. enjoy! And if you don't enjoy them, well...tough.

St Peter

St Peter: Enjoy your stay in Heaven.

Man: Hi.

St Peter: Hello Welcome. Enjoy your-

Man: Pete isn’t it?

St Peter: Haha, SAINT PEE-TER, I think you’ll find. Enjoy your-

Man: No, yeah, Pete.

St Peter: SAINT PEE-TER.

Man: Yeah, whatever. And this is heaven yeah?

St Peter: It is indeed.

Man: Ever been inside?

St Peter: Heaven? No, no, no. I guard the gates here you see.

Man: Ah right. Very commendable.

St Peter: Thank you.

Man: So what’s it like inside?

St Peter: Well it’s Heaven isn’t it? So it’s paradise, from what I hear.

Man: So what, you never take breaks? Relieved by someone else?

St Peter: No I...full time. You know how it is.

Man: Yeah but surely you must get some breaks?

St Peter: Umm...no. Someone has to guard the gates.

Man: Yeah well you could get cover?

St Peter: Well I’m guarding the gates...

Man: Yeah but what do the others do?

St Peter: Others?

Man: Yeah, Jesus and the crew.

St Peter: Well Judas...

Man: No, I know about Judas but the others. Where are they?

St Peter: Well they-they...

Man: They’re in Heaven aren’t they? Living it up large in paradise whilst you guard the gates. These are supposed to be your friends.

St Peter: Well they are...

Man: Doesn’t sound like it.

St Peter: Well the gates need to be guarded.

Man: Why do they? Don’t you get sent straight to Hell if you’re going there and straight here if you're going to Heaven?

St Peter: I...I guess.

Man: And why guard the gates? There’s no fence, so anyway can go in.

St Peter: Well it’s tradition.

Man: It’s a disgrace is what it is. How long have you been guarding these gates for?

St Peter: Thousands of years...

Man: And how long are you guarding them for before you are allowed into Heaven??

St Peter: Well, for eternity.

Man: Ouch man. That’s a bad deal. Still, better luck next time, eh? Nice chatting. Have a good day.

Man walks through the gates leaving a very upset St Peter at the gates.

St Peter: Welcome, enjoy your stay in Heaven...

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The Not-so-Good Samaritan

A man lies dying on the floor.

A priest walks by.

Man: A priest! Help me!

The priest walks on.

A levite walks by.

Man: A levite thank God! Help me!

The levite walks on.

A Samaritan appears.

Man: Help me!

Samaritan: I shall indeed help you, my child.

He walks towards the dying man. His phone goes off. He answers it.

Samaritan: Hello, Samaritans? A man in trouble? I’ll be there!

The Samaritan turns to the dying man.

Samaritan: Sorry, I’ve got to go.

Samaritan walks off.

David Blaine appears.

David Blaine: Hi, I’m David Blaine. I’ll help you.

Man: Screw that.

Man dies.

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And so there we have it. Two sketches. Not sure if the David Blaine things works or not. Who knows.

Edit: My brother wants some credit for the latter sketch. So I gave him 25 man points. Ho ho ho, etc.

Random Joke - War

Hello everyone. I have noticed my clock is wrong when I post suff. I should edit that but I kind of like the idea that people think I am sitting there at my desk all night long straining to come up with a joke until at 5am I suddenly find some inspiration. Or alternatively I wake up at 5am and think to myself, "I have it! This is it! Must post!" and run to the computer and immediately type it up.

Anyway I have come up with a joke about war, what with it being D-Day celebrations and all. Typical comedy subject of course. War. I say that I have come up with it. That implies I came up with it today. I haven't. It's very old. I have just never written it down.

Anyway it involves the trench wars. You know, like world war one. And I have never really understood world war 1 and the like. It's like I can har you now wanting to scream at me, "What?! You can; understand men wanting to tear each other apart, fight to the ground and ultimately be responsible for their last gasping breath?!" Not at all. I understand that bit clearly. It's the whole trench bit i don't get.

Because...someone has had to dig that trench. Literally, I imagine, hundres of men have dug out that trench. But at what point did the officer say stop to his troops and demand they dig? Isn't the aim of war to push on and defend as much of your land as possible?

"Non. 'Ere will do. Dig." (He's french...speaking english)

But then what if both sides met each other before trenches had been dug? Would they just fight? Or give each other 3 days to dig as much as they could and then the fighting begins? The mind boggles. Hell, what if one side had not brought shovels?

"You didn't bring a shovel to war?!"
"Well, no...I mean once I'd packed the football..."
"Why the hell did you bring a football?"
"Thought we could have a bit of a kickabout..."

Anyway that is that for now. Rough stages as all these jokes are...I wrote two sketches yesterday. I'll upload them too in a few minutes.