The Best Invention Of All Time

A while ago, I was sitting with my brother (that shows it was a while ago; he doesn't live with me anymore) and we were watching something on TV when I had a thought. It wasn't particularly interesting but I thought I'd ask my brother for his opinion on the matter.

So I casually asked him what was the best invention of all time. My answer was pretty good, so he'd have to go some way to top it. If you can think up one now then that'd be cool. Play along at home. Just have a think.

Anyway, he thought for a moment. And by a moment, I mean a good 30 seconds of contemplation. Before delivering an epic speech that I was not expecting.

"Time." He said finally.

Yes, he can be a clever little shit sometimes.

He went on... "Because, think about it. There is no such thing as time really. I mean there is, but no way of measuring it. We invented that. We came up with seconds and minutes and hours. How long does it take to get somewhere? Time. How old we are. Time. How long something takes to cook. Time." He went on in this vain for far too long and my mind wandered for his last few minutes praising the advent of time.

My mind only reconnected with the real world when he had finished and I had him utter, "why, what were you thinking?"

Now, before I tell you my answer, I don't think it needs to be explained. When compared to my brother's answer it may not really look as though I had put as much thought into my own question as he had, but in its own way, I still admire my almost naive approach to conjuring up what I believed (at least prior to asking my brother), to be the best invention of all time.

What was my answer I here you ask?

A toaster.

Praying

Okay, I am most proud of this joke, which came to me as I walked past the church on my way home this evening. I could probably elaborate but I love its simplicity.

"I'm not saying religion is a bad thing, just that it confuses me, the blind faith of it all. Take for example, praying. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just that anything where you have to get on your knees to get the job done perhaps shouldn't be trusted. And then they expect YOU to give money to THEM after YOU were the one on YOUR knees? These churches have got it made..."

And that's it. And yes, I am most proud of myself for it.

Random Joke - War

Hello everyone. I have noticed my clock is wrong when I post suff. I should edit that but I kind of like the idea that people think I am sitting there at my desk all night long straining to come up with a joke until at 5am I suddenly find some inspiration. Or alternatively I wake up at 5am and think to myself, "I have it! This is it! Must post!" and run to the computer and immediately type it up.

Anyway I have come up with a joke about war, what with it being D-Day celebrations and all. Typical comedy subject of course. War. I say that I have come up with it. That implies I came up with it today. I haven't. It's very old. I have just never written it down.

Anyway it involves the trench wars. You know, like world war one. And I have never really understood world war 1 and the like. It's like I can har you now wanting to scream at me, "What?! You can; understand men wanting to tear each other apart, fight to the ground and ultimately be responsible for their last gasping breath?!" Not at all. I understand that bit clearly. It's the whole trench bit i don't get.

Because...someone has had to dig that trench. Literally, I imagine, hundres of men have dug out that trench. But at what point did the officer say stop to his troops and demand they dig? Isn't the aim of war to push on and defend as much of your land as possible?

"Non. 'Ere will do. Dig." (He's french...speaking english)

But then what if both sides met each other before trenches had been dug? Would they just fight? Or give each other 3 days to dig as much as they could and then the fighting begins? The mind boggles. Hell, what if one side had not brought shovels?

"You didn't bring a shovel to war?!"
"Well, no...I mean once I'd packed the football..."
"Why the hell did you bring a football?"
"Thought we could have a bit of a kickabout..."

Anyway that is that for now. Rough stages as all these jokes are...I wrote two sketches yesterday. I'll upload them too in a few minutes.