The Best Invention Of All Time

A while ago, I was sitting with my brother (that shows it was a while ago; he doesn't live with me anymore) and we were watching something on TV when I had a thought. It wasn't particularly interesting but I thought I'd ask my brother for his opinion on the matter.

So I casually asked him what was the best invention of all time. My answer was pretty good, so he'd have to go some way to top it. If you can think up one now then that'd be cool. Play along at home. Just have a think.

Anyway, he thought for a moment. And by a moment, I mean a good 30 seconds of contemplation. Before delivering an epic speech that I was not expecting.

"Time." He said finally.

Yes, he can be a clever little shit sometimes.

He went on... "Because, think about it. There is no such thing as time really. I mean there is, but no way of measuring it. We invented that. We came up with seconds and minutes and hours. How long does it take to get somewhere? Time. How old we are. Time. How long something takes to cook. Time." He went on in this vain for far too long and my mind wandered for his last few minutes praising the advent of time.

My mind only reconnected with the real world when he had finished and I had him utter, "why, what were you thinking?"

Now, before I tell you my answer, I don't think it needs to be explained. When compared to my brother's answer it may not really look as though I had put as much thought into my own question as he had, but in its own way, I still admire my almost naive approach to conjuring up what I believed (at least prior to asking my brother), to be the best invention of all time.

What was my answer I here you ask?

A toaster.

New Joke - Opera

Okay, this is a joke I came up with earlier when basically talking to myself. It isn't good but is meant as some kind of opening joke for standup (if I could ever get the nerve to do it.)

'Hello, hello hello, HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (opera style singing) - yes I sometimes break into opera when on stage. Actually, I also once broke into an opera when I was younger and a bit of a jack the lad type. My friend and I, we broke into the Bournemouth Opera House, which is a beautiful building if you have never been. Anyway we found the safe, cracked it and were escaping with armfuls of cash. As we were making our getaway though, the police entered and my friend had foolishly brought a BB gun with him. Now, the officers saw this and understandably took it to be a real gun and they fired a shot at us. Now they missed thankfully but we were so taken aback we thrust the money into the air, and a cloud of cash enveloped us. The officers, thinking this was still a high security breach fired for us once more, and luckily only managed to hit the high notes.'

For some reason I like it. A beautiful crappy joke to start a set.