A Whole Routine

Here's a short routine I came up with as I walked into town yesterday. I'm not sure I can remember it all, so we'll see...

I walk out.

"Hi, hello, hi there. Pleasure to be here, etc, etc. You know many people have it in their mind that it's very nerve-racking for somebody to walk out in front of a large crowd of people they don't know and do comedy by themselves. Umm, I wouldn't know obviously. Having not played to a large crowd as yet. And that doesn't apear to be a duck I'm going to break today.

Now one famous stand up, I won't name him, once tried to compare stand up comedy and the nervousness that goes with it to something people could relate to. He said that it was like 'being on death row and walking the green mile'. Now, I've never been on death row and I have never walked the green mile. However, I don't know, I just think that comparison may be a little bit off.

Obviously, I can't be a hundred percent sure. As far as I'm aware nobody on death row is known for their wacky sense of humour and their cool, calm way of dealing with pressure from an audience. Likewise, i don't know of any stand up comedian that has found themselves on death row. One can only hope that in the future, Jim Davidson, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and James Corden help us to find out if the comparison is actually a good one.

Now, comedy as you probably all know is subjective. You may not like what I like for example. As a result of this, hecklers are...well known shall we say.

At this point I'd wait for a heckle. If one doesn't happen then it's fine as the material should work either way. I'll write as if their is no heckle. you can work out what it would be like if there was. I'll put the extra bit if there was a heckle in italics.

I want to let you into a little secret actually. During my set, like this, every night, I enjoy playing little games with my audience. what I tend to play the most ladies and gentlemen, is a variation of Where's Wally, the popular kid's book. the variation I play is called Spot the Twat, and I can't be sure but I think the game is over a little earlier tonight than it is usually. unless someone else want's to heckle me?

Here, I am hoping someone would be stupid enough to do it. If not then, well I'd just ignore it and finish the set early. So here is what I would say if there was then a heckle...

Ah yes, there we go. A heckle as asked for by me. Now, many people often love to see how a comedian deals with their heckler. Tonight, is going to be a little different. I won't berate him/her I just want you to all think for a second. How many people, when knowing that the man on stage with the microphone has openly stated that he plays a game called spot the cunt with hecklers...How many people, ladies and gentlemen, would then shout out? This man/woman has done just that. He/She has basically shouted out to the room, "I am a twat! Rejoice! For I am the winner of this game! Spot no more! For it is I! The King/Queen of Twats!"

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this insight into the life of a comic. Sometimes of course, there are instances where you do just die on stage, which is I think what the comedian was getting at when they compared it to walking the green mile. Where you get no laughs and there's just an idiot standing on the stage with a microphone.

I'd stop speaking here for a bit. Then almost come to my sense as I realise I am that idiot.

I mean basically, where you just want the world or something huge, massive, vast to swallow you up whole...that's the second time tonight I've advertised James Corden in my set. This is bizarre. The mind boggles. Anyway, cheers..."

And that is that! Came up with it on the way into town. I personally quite like it, but I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who reads this as I may, just may...actually try it out. We'll have to see.

Thanks for reading.

A short routine

Okay, I have never tried stand up in my life. However I often write things that I would use were I to have the nerve to try out stand up. Without further ado, this is the first and also, extremely short routine I will share. It is written exactly how I'd say it, minus pausing. I haven't edited it or anything, so this is a first draft. Excitement. I call it McVodka. You can call it something else, it's not like it'll ever be seen on a DVD.

McVodka

I was out the other day, when I walked past a McDonald's and a thought struck me. This is a restaurant. It bills as such on the outside, but wouldn't be great if it was licensed? A licensed McDonald's where you can just go to after a hard morning and ask for a slightly heavier drink to go with your Big Mac.

"Yeah, hi there Dane, i'd lik the err...Big Mac meal please."

There's always an 'err...' before you order, has anyone else noticed that? Like you are reconsidering buying this food. Like you know it will fill you up for five minutes but after that five minutes is over you will regret spending money and your stomach won't even know you have been eating. Anyway...

"Sure thing, what drink would you like with that?"

"Err..."

There it is again. "Err..." You know exactly what drink, you know exactly what food. It's like there's still time to reconsider but no, you leap right in and order the same drink as every other time you order from a fast food chain. But wait. What's this? A licensed McDonald's?

"Err...you know what today I think I'll have the err... McVodka."

And that'd be it. Maybe the McVodka with orange rather than drinking it straight. Wouldn't it be great? But the best thing here is cost.

"Sure thing sir, would you like that supersized for 30p more?"

"You know what Dane? I think I will!"