I wish...

I wish I had something funny to update this blog with. I really wish I did. As it happens I am going to run with this, some kind of odd speech on jokes. We'll see how it goes. Currently I have no idea what to write...here goes...

"So...joke are cool aren't they? We like jokes. They make us smile, they make us laugh, they take away that awkward silence in a room.

LONG PAUSE FOR AWKWARD SILENCE IN THE ROOM

...Some jokes you like, some jokes you don't. That's always been the nature of them. Knock, knock jokes, Doctor, doctor jokes. Everything always happens twice in the most particular jokes. Odd. Anyway, there was a joke that I was told a long time ago that went something like this: If a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of? Inevitably, you would respond with green bricks. And they'd go, "Nope! Glass! Ha!" And you'd feel like a lemon.

I don't really hold that many grudges. Like everyone I get a little despondent about certain things from time to time but grudges I'm kind of...too lazy to deal with. But I have held a grudge against that joke for a long time. And now I am older and I don't see the children I used to hang out with...last year (genius line!)...just kidding...i still see them but their parents aren't aware anymore (And there's the follow up!) ...Sorry I digressed for comic effect. But anyway now I am older and I don't see any of my childhood buddies, I feel I can revolt on this one.

Green bricks is one of the correct answers to that question. I'm sorry but it is. nobody should be berated for saying a green house is made of green bricks. Just because there is an item called a greenhouse that is made out of glass, if I went down a road with anybody and we saw a house made of green bricks, I wouldn't react strangely if my friend went "Oh look a green house!" I wouldn't laugh, I wouldn't cajole him (great word) for using the words green and house for a different item to that of the glass based heat gatherer for plants...I would probably go, "Oh yeah."

If you said, "Come to my house, it's the green house on the street." I wouldn't drive past all the houses looking for a transparent glass structure. I'd probably look for the stupidly painted house. That leaps out at me because it has been unwisely painted green.

So in conclusion, if I have any children in the future, and my child walks up to me and says, "Daddy, if a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of?" I shall reply, "Green bricks." And as soon as he utters, "No-" I shall slap him around the face. It'll be for his own good.

The moral of this story is... learn to let jokes go and social services probably won't bother you in the future. It's too late for me so save yourselves whilst you can."

So yeah...I wasn't even planning on writing all that.

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, come and see the show I have written and am performing in and generally arranged with my co-star, Sophie, at Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 15th-23rd August at the Newsroom. Quarter past midnight until one in the morning. Yeah!

A Whole Routine

Here's a short routine I came up with as I walked into town yesterday. I'm not sure I can remember it all, so we'll see...

I walk out.

"Hi, hello, hi there. Pleasure to be here, etc, etc. You know many people have it in their mind that it's very nerve-racking for somebody to walk out in front of a large crowd of people they don't know and do comedy by themselves. Umm, I wouldn't know obviously. Having not played to a large crowd as yet. And that doesn't apear to be a duck I'm going to break today.

Now one famous stand up, I won't name him, once tried to compare stand up comedy and the nervousness that goes with it to something people could relate to. He said that it was like 'being on death row and walking the green mile'. Now, I've never been on death row and I have never walked the green mile. However, I don't know, I just think that comparison may be a little bit off.

Obviously, I can't be a hundred percent sure. As far as I'm aware nobody on death row is known for their wacky sense of humour and their cool, calm way of dealing with pressure from an audience. Likewise, i don't know of any stand up comedian that has found themselves on death row. One can only hope that in the future, Jim Davidson, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and James Corden help us to find out if the comparison is actually a good one.

Now, comedy as you probably all know is subjective. You may not like what I like for example. As a result of this, hecklers are...well known shall we say.

At this point I'd wait for a heckle. If one doesn't happen then it's fine as the material should work either way. I'll write as if their is no heckle. you can work out what it would be like if there was. I'll put the extra bit if there was a heckle in italics.

I want to let you into a little secret actually. During my set, like this, every night, I enjoy playing little games with my audience. what I tend to play the most ladies and gentlemen, is a variation of Where's Wally, the popular kid's book. the variation I play is called Spot the Twat, and I can't be sure but I think the game is over a little earlier tonight than it is usually. unless someone else want's to heckle me?

Here, I am hoping someone would be stupid enough to do it. If not then, well I'd just ignore it and finish the set early. So here is what I would say if there was then a heckle...

Ah yes, there we go. A heckle as asked for by me. Now, many people often love to see how a comedian deals with their heckler. Tonight, is going to be a little different. I won't berate him/her I just want you to all think for a second. How many people, when knowing that the man on stage with the microphone has openly stated that he plays a game called spot the cunt with hecklers...How many people, ladies and gentlemen, would then shout out? This man/woman has done just that. He/She has basically shouted out to the room, "I am a twat! Rejoice! For I am the winner of this game! Spot no more! For it is I! The King/Queen of Twats!"

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this insight into the life of a comic. Sometimes of course, there are instances where you do just die on stage, which is I think what the comedian was getting at when they compared it to walking the green mile. Where you get no laughs and there's just an idiot standing on the stage with a microphone.

I'd stop speaking here for a bit. Then almost come to my sense as I realise I am that idiot.

I mean basically, where you just want the world or something huge, massive, vast to swallow you up whole...that's the second time tonight I've advertised James Corden in my set. This is bizarre. The mind boggles. Anyway, cheers..."

And that is that! Came up with it on the way into town. I personally quite like it, but I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who reads this as I may, just may...actually try it out. We'll have to see.

Thanks for reading.