Yesterday afternoon, I had a conversation with my brother, where we mused about Britain's Got Talent. Or rather, I mused and he just listened as he smoked whatever it was he was smoking. It could have been a simple cigarette but between you, me and the whole Internet, I don't think it was.
Anyway it started with him asking me how my Edinburgh show is going and me answering it in some detail. As a result of this, I then got on to fantasising about becoming massive in comedy, before ultimately coming to terms with the idea that it wouldn't happen by me just sitting on a chair in the back garden. No, I clearly had to enter Britain's Got Talent.
During this chat with my brother, I complained to him that normal comedians never do very well on that show. It's not my brother's fault; his name is Simon but his surname isn't Cowell. the only comedic acts who go through are music-based and they are almost always one trick ponies, who impress when you first see them before then, in the semi-finals, you realise the novelty has worn off, despite the fact they asserted in the previous round that, "We'll keep surprising you, Simon. We've got more routines and surprises up our sleeves and we'll be better than ever." Simon Cowell always believes them. It's never true. Especially not if they get through to the final. Step forward Signature, the Michael Jackson tribute act thing, and that Father and Dad team who did the Cypriot/Greek dancing thing. I can't even remember their name. Either way, by the time the final comes along, we have already seen all of their routines. Shame. Stavros! Stavros Flatley! That was it. Proof that fat is funny for a good minute.
Either way, moving on. I then thought that maybe I should enter Britain's Got Talent? Try out some stand up comedy. In my mind, I'd sail through the subsequent rounds and perform for the Queen. I never get why performing for the Queen is what everyone on Britain's Got Talent seems to want to do. Rather than a decent career, performing for the Queen is your target? I can't verbalise that very well. But I hope you get my point. With some work, I thought I could focus on that for a routine to Simon, Piers and Amanda.
Then I realised that no. I did not want to do that. I think that if I went on Britain's Got Talent, I might head on by myself and stand at the microphone. I'd tell Simon that yes, this has always been my dream and performing for the Queen would be an honour. I'd then say I'm an impressionist. Prior to this round, I should say that before being put in front of the judges I'd just be a normal person and hope they like whatever fact act I come up with. Anyway, once in front of the judges the following would occur: "Take it away." Simon would say. A friend would then run on with a T-shirt emblazoned with 'Music Industry' on it. They'd bend over for me. I'd take out a Simon Cowell mask, put it on and act as though I was raping the shit out of it. My friend could even chuck money out of his hands as I was doing it. And I could catch the coins in mine. I expect my performance would be cut short after a couple of seconds, if that.
But God, it'd be worth it.
Showing posts with label edinburgh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label edinburgh. Show all posts
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Space
For the past few days I have been unable to avoid space conversations. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I am in my own version of The Truman Show and the producers are trying to subconsciously tell me something. Either way, in the past five days, not including today, the subject has cropped up on no less than four occasions. Add in the fact I'm rocking and rolling with a script idea about time travel and physics and the possibility thereof, I am quite frankly filled with facts on space.
It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.
Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.
Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.
My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.
As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.
Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.
From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."
I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.
Over and out.
It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.
Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.
Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.
My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.
As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.
Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.
From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."
I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.
Over and out.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
I wish...
I wish I had something funny to update this blog with. I really wish I did. As it happens I am going to run with this, some kind of odd speech on jokes. We'll see how it goes. Currently I have no idea what to write...here goes...
"So...joke are cool aren't they? We like jokes. They make us smile, they make us laugh, they take away that awkward silence in a room.
LONG PAUSE FOR AWKWARD SILENCE IN THE ROOM
...Some jokes you like, some jokes you don't. That's always been the nature of them. Knock, knock jokes, Doctor, doctor jokes. Everything always happens twice in the most particular jokes. Odd. Anyway, there was a joke that I was told a long time ago that went something like this: If a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of? Inevitably, you would respond with green bricks. And they'd go, "Nope! Glass! Ha!" And you'd feel like a lemon.
I don't really hold that many grudges. Like everyone I get a little despondent about certain things from time to time but grudges I'm kind of...too lazy to deal with. But I have held a grudge against that joke for a long time. And now I am older and I don't see the children I used to hang out with...last year (genius line!)...just kidding...i still see them but their parents aren't aware anymore (And there's the follow up!) ...Sorry I digressed for comic effect. But anyway now I am older and I don't see any of my childhood buddies, I feel I can revolt on this one.
Green bricks is one of the correct answers to that question. I'm sorry but it is. nobody should be berated for saying a green house is made of green bricks. Just because there is an item called a greenhouse that is made out of glass, if I went down a road with anybody and we saw a house made of green bricks, I wouldn't react strangely if my friend went "Oh look a green house!" I wouldn't laugh, I wouldn't cajole him (great word) for using the words green and house for a different item to that of the glass based heat gatherer for plants...I would probably go, "Oh yeah."
If you said, "Come to my house, it's the green house on the street." I wouldn't drive past all the houses looking for a transparent glass structure. I'd probably look for the stupidly painted house. That leaps out at me because it has been unwisely painted green.
So in conclusion, if I have any children in the future, and my child walks up to me and says, "Daddy, if a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of?" I shall reply, "Green bricks." And as soon as he utters, "No-" I shall slap him around the face. It'll be for his own good.
The moral of this story is... learn to let jokes go and social services probably won't bother you in the future. It's too late for me so save yourselves whilst you can."
So yeah...I wasn't even planning on writing all that.
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, come and see the show I have written and am performing in and generally arranged with my co-star, Sophie, at Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 15th-23rd August at the Newsroom. Quarter past midnight until one in the morning. Yeah!
"So...joke are cool aren't they? We like jokes. They make us smile, they make us laugh, they take away that awkward silence in a room.
LONG PAUSE FOR AWKWARD SILENCE IN THE ROOM
...Some jokes you like, some jokes you don't. That's always been the nature of them. Knock, knock jokes, Doctor, doctor jokes. Everything always happens twice in the most particular jokes. Odd. Anyway, there was a joke that I was told a long time ago that went something like this: If a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of? Inevitably, you would respond with green bricks. And they'd go, "Nope! Glass! Ha!" And you'd feel like a lemon.
I don't really hold that many grudges. Like everyone I get a little despondent about certain things from time to time but grudges I'm kind of...too lazy to deal with. But I have held a grudge against that joke for a long time. And now I am older and I don't see the children I used to hang out with...last year (genius line!)...just kidding...i still see them but their parents aren't aware anymore (And there's the follow up!) ...Sorry I digressed for comic effect. But anyway now I am older and I don't see any of my childhood buddies, I feel I can revolt on this one.
Green bricks is one of the correct answers to that question. I'm sorry but it is. nobody should be berated for saying a green house is made of green bricks. Just because there is an item called a greenhouse that is made out of glass, if I went down a road with anybody and we saw a house made of green bricks, I wouldn't react strangely if my friend went "Oh look a green house!" I wouldn't laugh, I wouldn't cajole him (great word) for using the words green and house for a different item to that of the glass based heat gatherer for plants...I would probably go, "Oh yeah."
If you said, "Come to my house, it's the green house on the street." I wouldn't drive past all the houses looking for a transparent glass structure. I'd probably look for the stupidly painted house. That leaps out at me because it has been unwisely painted green.
So in conclusion, if I have any children in the future, and my child walks up to me and says, "Daddy, if a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of?" I shall reply, "Green bricks." And as soon as he utters, "No-" I shall slap him around the face. It'll be for his own good.
The moral of this story is... learn to let jokes go and social services probably won't bother you in the future. It's too late for me so save yourselves whilst you can."
So yeah...I wasn't even planning on writing all that.
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, come and see the show I have written and am performing in and generally arranged with my co-star, Sophie, at Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 15th-23rd August at the Newsroom. Quarter past midnight until one in the morning. Yeah!
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Talking Politics
Apologies for only posting once in June. i am extremely busy with Edinburgh arrangements at the moment so...yeah. Anyway, here is a sketch that myself and Sophie Petzal wrote together which we LOVED but think it may have been too clever for it's own good. See what you think.
Talking Politics
Person 1: Immigrants aren’t good though.
Person 2: Well they need a place to live.
Person 1: Fuck where they need to live. I walked down the street the other day and there were just so many of them. Literally thousands. I mean, do they breed like fucking rabbits? What I’m trying to say is are they copulating as they walk? I literally couldn’t move there were so many of them. I’m not even joking.
Person 2: But they bring in jobs…
Person 1: Fuck them bringing in jobs! We need jobs! I couldn’t find one, could you find one? Not one that I’d want to do anyway. Daddy can only fund me for so long. You’re looking at this all wrong.
Person 2: Well…they help the economy.
Person 1: HELP THE ECONOMY?! FUCK the economy. Have you seen the economy recently. Immigrants have screwed us over. The share price has fallen. Daddy told me so.
Person 2: Well technically, shares fell due to a crisis in investor confidence.
Person 1: Fuck investor confidence! I can’t believe you’re defending them! They’re throwing this country to the dogs. We need these guys out.
Person 2: But…they’ve done well for the arts…and education.
Person 1: Fuck arts and education! We’ve got all this Europe shit going on! We should never have signed that fucking treaty! I tell you the moment you get involved with those in-bred halfwits, our shares go tumbling.
Person 2: But-
Person 1: Fuck but! Look: 1. Immigrants. Too many. Do I need to spell it out for you? Because I’m going to anyway. 2. Jobs. Where the fuck can we get one without those immigrants stealing them? 3. Economy. The share prices are fucked. 4. That treaty. 5. Europe. Don’t you see? DON’T YOU SEE?! I’m telling you, if you don’t vote for Adolf and the Nazis come June 25th, you’re a fool. They’ll sort this country right out. You’ll see. Sieg fucking heil!
...And that was that. We love it. Yet it didn't make it into the show. Shame.
Talking Politics
Person 1: Immigrants aren’t good though.
Person 2: Well they need a place to live.
Person 1: Fuck where they need to live. I walked down the street the other day and there were just so many of them. Literally thousands. I mean, do they breed like fucking rabbits? What I’m trying to say is are they copulating as they walk? I literally couldn’t move there were so many of them. I’m not even joking.
Person 2: But they bring in jobs…
Person 1: Fuck them bringing in jobs! We need jobs! I couldn’t find one, could you find one? Not one that I’d want to do anyway. Daddy can only fund me for so long. You’re looking at this all wrong.
Person 2: Well…they help the economy.
Person 1: HELP THE ECONOMY?! FUCK the economy. Have you seen the economy recently. Immigrants have screwed us over. The share price has fallen. Daddy told me so.
Person 2: Well technically, shares fell due to a crisis in investor confidence.
Person 1: Fuck investor confidence! I can’t believe you’re defending them! They’re throwing this country to the dogs. We need these guys out.
Person 2: But…they’ve done well for the arts…and education.
Person 1: Fuck arts and education! We’ve got all this Europe shit going on! We should never have signed that fucking treaty! I tell you the moment you get involved with those in-bred halfwits, our shares go tumbling.
Person 2: But-
Person 1: Fuck but! Look: 1. Immigrants. Too many. Do I need to spell it out for you? Because I’m going to anyway. 2. Jobs. Where the fuck can we get one without those immigrants stealing them? 3. Economy. The share prices are fucked. 4. That treaty. 5. Europe. Don’t you see? DON’T YOU SEE?! I’m telling you, if you don’t vote for Adolf and the Nazis come June 25th, you’re a fool. They’ll sort this country right out. You’ll see. Sieg fucking heil!
...And that was that. We love it. Yet it didn't make it into the show. Shame.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Just Say Yes
Well, I haven't written anything the past few weeks because I am busy writing the sketches for Edinburgh, which I won't post here because some aren't completed and...yeah.
Anyway, I came up with a novel idea for a 100% complete rape eradication from the world the other day. It could have a a marketing campaign and everything. The slogan is simply, "Just say yes."
If everyone said yes to every request for someone to sleep with them, there would be no rape to speak of and a huge decrease in crime. Genius, I think you'll agree. With absolutely no problems at all.
Alternatively, my other slogan for this campaign was, "Rape them back." in order to give the bullies a taste of their own medicine. both slogans work well I think and were I pushing for PM at the moment, this would be in my manifesto.
Brown, Cameron, Clegg...you know what to do.
Anyway, I came up with a novel idea for a 100% complete rape eradication from the world the other day. It could have a a marketing campaign and everything. The slogan is simply, "Just say yes."
If everyone said yes to every request for someone to sleep with them, there would be no rape to speak of and a huge decrease in crime. Genius, I think you'll agree. With absolutely no problems at all.
Alternatively, my other slogan for this campaign was, "Rape them back." in order to give the bullies a taste of their own medicine. both slogans work well I think and were I pushing for PM at the moment, this would be in my manifesto.
Brown, Cameron, Clegg...you know what to do.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Coins
I am sorry for deserting you for so long my dear faithful blog readers, of which there are perhaps five? Maybe less. Maybe more. How vague.
I have been very busy performing in a play, writing up a film idea (very excited and pleased with that) and planning to take a sketch show to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. in fact you can follow that particular blog at:
http://performanceterrorists.blogspot.com
I know, I know. It just kind of trips off the tongue doesn't it?
Anyway we shall see how that goes in due course.
For now though, I'd like to speak to you about coins. That's right. Coins. And why oh why can we not get them from the cash machine? the amount of times I have gone to the cash machine to get money out for a friend I owe...only to then have to figure out how exactly we will change the ten pounds into six pounds fifty because he has no change.
My solution is basically having coins available to fall out the machine at your request. It's genius. It's not particularly funny in any way, I just thought I'd bring it up.
I may even have mentioned it before but I'm not sure. So here it is again. It's the future!
Maybe.
Possibly.
Probably not.
Oh.
I have been very busy performing in a play, writing up a film idea (very excited and pleased with that) and planning to take a sketch show to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. in fact you can follow that particular blog at:
http://performanceterrorists.blogspot.com
I know, I know. It just kind of trips off the tongue doesn't it?
Anyway we shall see how that goes in due course.
For now though, I'd like to speak to you about coins. That's right. Coins. And why oh why can we not get them from the cash machine? the amount of times I have gone to the cash machine to get money out for a friend I owe...only to then have to figure out how exactly we will change the ten pounds into six pounds fifty because he has no change.
My solution is basically having coins available to fall out the machine at your request. It's genius. It's not particularly funny in any way, I just thought I'd bring it up.
I may even have mentioned it before but I'm not sure. So here it is again. It's the future!
Maybe.
Possibly.
Probably not.
Oh.
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