Coins

I am sorry for deserting you for so long my dear faithful blog readers, of which there are perhaps five? Maybe less. Maybe more. How vague.

I have been very busy performing in a play, writing up a film idea (very excited and pleased with that) and planning to take a sketch show to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. in fact you can follow that particular blog at:

http://performanceterrorists.blogspot.com

I know, I know. It just kind of trips off the tongue doesn't it?

Anyway we shall see how that goes in due course.

For now though, I'd like to speak to you about coins. That's right. Coins. And why oh why can we not get them from the cash machine? the amount of times I have gone to the cash machine to get money out for a friend I owe...only to then have to figure out how exactly we will change the ten pounds into six pounds fifty because he has no change.

My solution is basically having coins available to fall out the machine at your request. It's genius. It's not particularly funny in any way, I just thought I'd bring it up.

I may even have mentioned it before but I'm not sure. So here it is again. It's the future!

Maybe.

Possibly.

Probably not.

Oh.

Deep.

This may be the lamest joke of all time but it just came into my head so...here it is.

"Out of sight, out of mind. But my brain is out of sight, and yet my mind is...woah. Deep."

It's not even really a joke. More of a mindfuck.

Better Looking Than God

No matter who you are, this is something that has been weighing on my mind. People often talk about the fact they have put on some weight or they think they are ugly but at the end of the day, if you want me to make you feel better, I can.

I shall do this by simply pointing out that you, all of you (well maybe not you...) are better looking than God. It's true. And I'm not just saying that because God is thousands of years old and that's bound to take its toll, I am saying it in the sense that you are all better looking than God when God was in his prime.

And this is why.

God made man in his own image. He did. We all know that. Now I don't know how many of you have seen any of those caveman documentaries but they are pretty ugly beings. And I by pretty ugly, I mean horrendous. An this is what God looked like if he made man in his own image. There's a reason the phrase 'God awful' exists and this is why.

So if you are having a bad hair day or whatever, just console yourself with the feeling that you are better looking than God and you also never wasted your time inventing the panda.

If only I was doing stand-up today...

My opening gag would be something like this:

'Hello, and to my. I it. Thing is, jokes, if you, stuff.

Oh sorry, I was doing my routine in the style of MP's expenses forms released the other day.'

Or something like that. I don't know really.