This leads me on nicely to a recent story involving autoerotic asphyxiation. Or at least, police suspect it may be so. I’m not sure you’ll have heard it and if you haven’t then I’ll quickly outline it for you. Put simply a person who worked for MI6 was found dead in his flat. But not only that, they pondered that the deceased may well have died as a result of a sexual act known as autoerotic asphyxiation because he wasn’t just found dead. He was found dead in his flat. Within his flat he was within the bathroom. Within the bathroom he was in the bath. Within the bath he was in a sports bag. Now the reason, the police believe it may have been a sexual thing for this man, Gareth Williams, was because in this Russian doll-like mystery, he was actually naked within that sports bag. And that is what stops a murder investigation from perhaps being a murder investigation, because let’s face it, we have all fancied a cheeky wank within a sports bag when the moment arises. And by ‘moment’ I of course mean ‘penis.’
But I digress. The problem I have with this particular theory is that even if you were into being asphyxiated in what one might call an autoerotic way, I very much doubt you’d get fully naked, think the old orange and tie method is a bit too strange for you, and opt for your sports bag. Would you? In the defence of this belief though, maybe Mr. Williams didn’t have an orange or a tie to hand. He may have had the tie and when he then realised he was lacking the orange, opted to follow through with his pleasuring procedure as he couldn’t be bothered to go through with the whole rigmarole of putting his clothes back on, heading out to buy an orange and returning to the flat, only to undress once more. The want of that masturbation may have passed by then. And Gareth needed that orgasm now. Hence the sports bag.
But again, another query rears its ugly head from the recesses of my brain. Why would you clamber into the damn thing? Where’s the logic in that? Surely the whole idea of autoerotic asphyxiation is to starve yourself of air to the brain. So why not put your head in, zip around the neck and then commence? There’s just no logic to the idea of clambering in. This bloke worked for MI6 and he essentially thought that this was the best method of getting himself off? Really?
Let’s say for the sake of argument, Gareth Williams did think this. The zipping round the neck thing didn’t work for him because it reminded him too much of the feeling of a tie around his neck and he hadn’t yet go over his lack of an orange. That or he enjoyed a good ogle at himself as he did the deed. I don’t know. So let’s say for the sake of argument he does jump in the bag and zip it all the way up to maximise his chance of being asphyxiated. Fantastic. But then the question arises as to what exactly he plans to do once he reaches the point of climax. Where will it go? Williams is in a foetal position, in a sports bag and then what? He just covers himself in jizz? That’s got to ruin the mood hasn’t it? The brilliance of the orgasm marred by the complete disgust of what he has just done to himself. He’d have then had to find the zip to the bag, pull himself out and wash himself down; mentally reminding himself to was the bag before his next visit to the gym.
The problem with this whole autoerotic asphyxiation theory is the fact that the investigating police suggested this whole idea in the first place. It makes me wonder how good a detective might be lurking within me. For I have omitted a key detail which may help to better understand why Mr Williams may indeed have been murderer after all. The body was padlocked inside the bag.
Now, either this is a case of murder or Gareth Williams was a bit of a masturbation maverick. He saw himself as top of the game. So what he did was he entered the flat, about to fulfil his craftiest deed yet. He has worked himself down from suitcases to a single sports bag. This was it. He would undress himself and get inside the bag, zipping it up in the process. Perfect. He’d then reach through a torn panel of the bag and place a padlock around the zip. Great. He’d then carefully sew up the bag from the inside, swallow the needle and string in case he failed in his yet-to-be-explained-to-you-the-reader mission and didn’t want to be found in this most embarrassing way because anyone who is anyone would have jumped to the conclusion of autoerotic asphyxiation. I put it to you now, that in this position, the majestic Gareth Williams would then wank himself silly, ejaculate, attempt to undo the lock from the inside like a modern-day Houdini and once on the outside see if he had beaten his personal best for the speed of completion in this task.
So it’s either my theory or murder. The way that the British police seem to be working, I reckon my theory has the edge.
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Space
For the past few days I have been unable to avoid space conversations. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I am in my own version of The Truman Show and the producers are trying to subconsciously tell me something. Either way, in the past five days, not including today, the subject has cropped up on no less than four occasions. Add in the fact I'm rocking and rolling with a script idea about time travel and physics and the possibility thereof, I am quite frankly filled with facts on space.
It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.
Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.
Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.
My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.
As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.
Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.
From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."
I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.
Over and out.
It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.
Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.
Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.
My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.
As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.
Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.
From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."
I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.
Over and out.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
The TK Maxx Experience
I should also add that as well as being busy with Edinburgh stuff, I have a new blog on tumblr.
It is simply called, 'The TK Maxx Experience' and maybe when I get round to it, it won't look as rubbish as it currently does. However, it is the content that matters more in a blog, not what it looks like. I believe it was Marlon Brando who said that. Maybe.
Anyway, it gets updated once a day by yours truly, with a photo of something crap that I have photographed in TK Maxx. It was inspired by my post about TK Maxx on March 31st.
Enjoy.
The TK Maxx Experience
It is simply called, 'The TK Maxx Experience' and maybe when I get round to it, it won't look as rubbish as it currently does. However, it is the content that matters more in a blog, not what it looks like. I believe it was Marlon Brando who said that. Maybe.
Anyway, it gets updated once a day by yours truly, with a photo of something crap that I have photographed in TK Maxx. It was inspired by my post about TK Maxx on March 31st.
Enjoy.
The TK Maxx Experience
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