Space

For the past few days I have been unable to avoid space conversations. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I am in my own version of The Truman Show and the producers are trying to subconsciously tell me something. Either way, in the past five days, not including today, the subject has cropped up on no less than four occasions. Add in the fact I'm rocking and rolling with a script idea about time travel and physics and the possibility thereof, I am quite frankly filled with facts on space.

It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.

Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.

Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.

My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.

As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.

Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.

From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."

I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.



Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.

Over and out.