Apologies for only posting once in June. i am extremely busy with Edinburgh arrangements at the moment so...yeah. Anyway, here is a sketch that myself and Sophie Petzal wrote together which we LOVED but think it may have been too clever for it's own good. See what you think.
Talking Politics
Person 1: Immigrants aren’t good though.
Person 2: Well they need a place to live.
Person 1: Fuck where they need to live. I walked down the street the other day and there were just so many of them. Literally thousands. I mean, do they breed like fucking rabbits? What I’m trying to say is are they copulating as they walk? I literally couldn’t move there were so many of them. I’m not even joking.
Person 2: But they bring in jobs…
Person 1: Fuck them bringing in jobs! We need jobs! I couldn’t find one, could you find one? Not one that I’d want to do anyway. Daddy can only fund me for so long. You’re looking at this all wrong.
Person 2: Well…they help the economy.
Person 1: HELP THE ECONOMY?! FUCK the economy. Have you seen the economy recently. Immigrants have screwed us over. The share price has fallen. Daddy told me so.
Person 2: Well technically, shares fell due to a crisis in investor confidence.
Person 1: Fuck investor confidence! I can’t believe you’re defending them! They’re throwing this country to the dogs. We need these guys out.
Person 2: But…they’ve done well for the arts…and education.
Person 1: Fuck arts and education! We’ve got all this Europe shit going on! We should never have signed that fucking treaty! I tell you the moment you get involved with those in-bred halfwits, our shares go tumbling.
Person 2: But-
Person 1: Fuck but! Look: 1. Immigrants. Too many. Do I need to spell it out for you? Because I’m going to anyway. 2. Jobs. Where the fuck can we get one without those immigrants stealing them? 3. Economy. The share prices are fucked. 4. That treaty. 5. Europe. Don’t you see? DON’T YOU SEE?! I’m telling you, if you don’t vote for Adolf and the Nazis come June 25th, you’re a fool. They’ll sort this country right out. You’ll see. Sieg fucking heil!
...And that was that. We love it. Yet it didn't make it into the show. Shame.
Showing posts with label talking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label talking. Show all posts
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Monday, 26 October 2009
Walking
Well here's an idea I have been thinking about for a while...and a few times I have actually mentioned it in conversation, people seem to agree and if they don't, well, they still seem to laugh anyway.
The problem I have is a simple one. I walk everywhere. That doesn't sound like a huge problem but it really is. And this is why.
When I walk down the street and I see someone of...say, a different ethnicity, I am not entirely sure what to do. They are walking towards me and I am therefore, fairly obviously walking towards them. The problem I have, is that I have no idea where to look. If I look at them, I presume they are thinking "Why the fuck is he looking at me? Racist motherfucker." Whereas if I then look away to rectify this situation, I think they are wondering why I am not looking at them. "What's so bad about me that he can't even look at me? Racist motherfucker." It's a conundrum.
Obviously, my problem is not limited to skin type. It also happens if I am walking towards a group of girls, to be honest, just one girl. No matter how attractive they are. If they are not exactly God's finest work, I think looking away will make them feel bad, however if I look at them they may think I am perving on them. Yes, even if they are so unattractive it actually stings my eyes to look at them. but I'm a nice guy so the whole looking away to lower their moral thing really does bother me. Now, if it's an attractive female, then looking at them clearly indicates I am a pervert, and looking away will just make them question why I am looking away, lead to an unnecessary diet, which in turn leads to anorexia and death before the age of 30. And it'd all be my fault. Don't even get me started on the non-Caucasian female members of the species. In theory, they should cancel each other out but if anything it makes it worse.
Okay so that covers differing skin colour to me and differing gender to me. You may think that covers everything. Not a chance. Midgets are problematic. Or dwarfs? What do they like to be called? I have no idea. Anyway, it makes no difference - they are an absolute nightmare to come across when walking down the street. For one, you may not even see them until you are tripping over them. Just kidding. But with them, I don't know where to look. I could look at them, but they'd just presume I'm looking at them because of their height or lack thereof. Touché. Or I can look away, but again, they may think I am looking away because I don't want to look. Which is kind of the point. But why shouldn't I want to look? They are human after all. If I look away they may think I am not looking because I don't feel comfortable looking at them. You see my point. Pretty much all people labelled as disabled are hard to deal with for this very reason. Except blind people, as they wouldn't be able to see whether you are looking at them or not. Actually, with blind people you need to follow a different set of rule which is simply watch out for that pesky fucking stick. Trust me, it hurts.
You may think that is all. But nope. Bring in the police force. If I see the police walking towards me, I get so unbelievably nervous. It really is unbelievable. Basically because I haven't done anything wrong every time I see them. I am like, "Shit! A police officer. Act natural." Now, I don't do drugs so if they searched me I'd be fine. Yet, I am always nervous. Problem is, how does one act natural? Do I look them in the eye as I walk past? Is that natural? I remember I once averted my eyes and whistled. Actually whistled. Like the characters in cartoons do if they have acted suspiciously. Somehow thinking whistling makes you instantly on the straight and narrow. Is looking at police suspicious? Or do they think it's suspicious if you look away? The mind boggles.
Maybe I am over analysing everything but imagine for a moment I turn the corner of my road and see an Oriental female police officer with a height deficiency. What the heck would I do then? I honestly don't know. I could pretty much do anything though as I doubt she'd be able to catch me up...
Or maybe I should just buy a car?
The problem I have is a simple one. I walk everywhere. That doesn't sound like a huge problem but it really is. And this is why.
When I walk down the street and I see someone of...say, a different ethnicity, I am not entirely sure what to do. They are walking towards me and I am therefore, fairly obviously walking towards them. The problem I have, is that I have no idea where to look. If I look at them, I presume they are thinking "Why the fuck is he looking at me? Racist motherfucker." Whereas if I then look away to rectify this situation, I think they are wondering why I am not looking at them. "What's so bad about me that he can't even look at me? Racist motherfucker." It's a conundrum.
Obviously, my problem is not limited to skin type. It also happens if I am walking towards a group of girls, to be honest, just one girl. No matter how attractive they are. If they are not exactly God's finest work, I think looking away will make them feel bad, however if I look at them they may think I am perving on them. Yes, even if they are so unattractive it actually stings my eyes to look at them. but I'm a nice guy so the whole looking away to lower their moral thing really does bother me. Now, if it's an attractive female, then looking at them clearly indicates I am a pervert, and looking away will just make them question why I am looking away, lead to an unnecessary diet, which in turn leads to anorexia and death before the age of 30. And it'd all be my fault. Don't even get me started on the non-Caucasian female members of the species. In theory, they should cancel each other out but if anything it makes it worse.
Okay so that covers differing skin colour to me and differing gender to me. You may think that covers everything. Not a chance. Midgets are problematic. Or dwarfs? What do they like to be called? I have no idea. Anyway, it makes no difference - they are an absolute nightmare to come across when walking down the street. For one, you may not even see them until you are tripping over them. Just kidding. But with them, I don't know where to look. I could look at them, but they'd just presume I'm looking at them because of their height or lack thereof. Touché. Or I can look away, but again, they may think I am looking away because I don't want to look. Which is kind of the point. But why shouldn't I want to look? They are human after all. If I look away they may think I am not looking because I don't feel comfortable looking at them. You see my point. Pretty much all people labelled as disabled are hard to deal with for this very reason. Except blind people, as they wouldn't be able to see whether you are looking at them or not. Actually, with blind people you need to follow a different set of rule which is simply watch out for that pesky fucking stick. Trust me, it hurts.
You may think that is all. But nope. Bring in the police force. If I see the police walking towards me, I get so unbelievably nervous. It really is unbelievable. Basically because I haven't done anything wrong every time I see them. I am like, "Shit! A police officer. Act natural." Now, I don't do drugs so if they searched me I'd be fine. Yet, I am always nervous. Problem is, how does one act natural? Do I look them in the eye as I walk past? Is that natural? I remember I once averted my eyes and whistled. Actually whistled. Like the characters in cartoons do if they have acted suspiciously. Somehow thinking whistling makes you instantly on the straight and narrow. Is looking at police suspicious? Or do they think it's suspicious if you look away? The mind boggles.
Maybe I am over analysing everything but imagine for a moment I turn the corner of my road and see an Oriental female police officer with a height deficiency. What the heck would I do then? I honestly don't know. I could pretty much do anything though as I doubt she'd be able to catch me up...
Or maybe I should just buy a car?
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