One Liners

I can never think of anything to write. Well, not long stand up based things recently, anyway.

So here are a whole load of one-liners I wrote over a year ago...

What will it say on Judi Dench's gravestone when she dies? Boney M

Do you know what really annoys me? People getting annoyed about trivial things.

I was giving a dog a bone the other day...think about it...Well Gran didn't need it anymore.

"You've got to be cruel to be kind" No you fucking don't.

Why did the suicide bomber cross the road? Why would I know, I didn't follow him.

If you posted a book of stamps with no address where would they end up? More importantly, how fast would they get there?

When the Queen sings the national anthem, does she change the lyrics to suit herself?

Why is Superman known as Superman? We know he's super; he's a man.

How do trenches get dug in warfare? In WW1 did the two countries arrive a week before fighting was due to start and just dig? "'Allo!" "Hi! Here for the war?" "Ja!" "One week, I'll getcha!" *mimic machine gun/laugh* "Aha...one week, one week."

What must have gone through the mind of Hitler's hairdresser as he cut his hair? "Ooh sorry I seem to have cut into your skin a bit there." Hmm... *snip snip*

I met a genie once and he said "I grant you one wish." I wished for a 1000 more wishes. He said "Granted but you can't use them because I only offered you one wish you greedy self-interested bastard."

I rubbed a lamp the other day and a genie came out. He said, "I'm free! For this I grant you one wish!" I thought long and hard and eventually said "I wish this lamp and the contents of it went back to how I found it ten minutes ago." The genie got back inside. It made me laugh, I'm harsh like that.

My mum thinks I don't eat enough. I tell her, "I'm thinking about the Ethiopians mum, they'd kill for the food I've got." Actually, no, thinking about it now they wouldn't kill for it would they? They haven't got the muscle strength to back up their punches. That's a vicious cycle.

How is Aids so rife in Africa? What is it they find so attractive about each other? "Ooh he looks nice." "Very boney" "Ooh yes but I love a bit of bone, I love to hear them creak." OR "He looks nice doesn't he?" "Ooh yes, look at that fly on his lower lip. I'd love to kiss that. He wears that fly so fashionably."

How do we know pet food tastes like it says? "Martin! Taste that." "Chicken-y" "Yeah that's what we wanted." "Kind of crunchy though." "Well it is pet food Martin. What about this one?" "Beef?" "Excellent and this one?" "Eww what the fuck is that? That is vile! What flavour is that meant to be?" "That's our [insert unpopular celeb here] flavour..."

I wrote a book once. Apparently it was too unrealistic to ever get published. It was about [insert news item here]. It'll never happen apparently. Ever.

Why do we play those 2p machines in arcades? Everyone I know hates 2p's. Everyone hates loose change. I offer mine around, nobody wants them, even tramps and charities frown at me. But stick them in a machine and everyone wants them! You waste a quid trying to get yourself some more loose change. And you never do. It's a waste of your time! But sometime you look at that chuppa-chup in your hand and you think, "Yeah, that was time well spent."

Have you ever been told by someone that stamps are legal tender? Yeah but what kind of a dick pays a bus driver in stamps? It's like saying a midget is a person; it's a half truth.