Mouse Trap Execution

Following in the footsteps of my recent (let's face it )quite intriguing posts, I have decided to continue the tradition. Recent posts are below. Suicide bombers, rape and interesting musing on school massacres and Cluedo in the McCann family. Classic stuff.

So now I am going to put forward a revolutionary idea for you to consider.

Mouse Trap Execution.

Some of us are against the death penalty, and some are for it. And some aren't really sure...maybe it should be for the worst murderers only, but the rest can rot in jail. Well here is a 'fun' way to solve the problem.

Mouse Trap Execution.

It's simple. Any criminal on death row is sent for execution. Every execution is done by electric chair. And if you don't like that, tough. You lost the right to choose when you shot that lady in the head Mr Death Row. And you have probably had enough needles to last a lifetime. I don't want you thinking your death is some kind of last minute heroin shot. (I digress into stereotype. Apologies.) Anyway, the electricity only occurs once the mouse trap has been completed.

I may be losing you. I apologise again. Remember that game you played as a kid? Everyone picks a coloured mouse...and the losers all get trapped in a cage once you do the whole turn the cog wheel...ball...hand..diver in bucket thing...

Well... that.

Mouse Trap only ever worked about a third of the time. Maybe less. So sit the criminal down, make them turn the wheel and let Mouse Trap decide. If it fails then the guy on death row lives out his life in jail. If it works then the bloke dies, but we all get to revel in the fact that Mouse Trap actually worked.

The diver actually hit the bucket! (That was always the one that'd screw it up...) And a murderer is dead! Yay!

You could bet on it too, bringing in much needed revenue to the country.

So ladies and gentlemen trust me on this. Mouse Trap Executions are where it's at.

Now who's with me?

Stupid Sayings

Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.

The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?

When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.

So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.

The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?

EVER?

EVER?!

Yes, ever.

Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.

Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.

That last bit is pretty important...

Love

Love, ladies and gentlemen, is something we all strive for. We fight for it, for someone to love and to cherish, to make us feel good about ourselves and to make them feel better about themselves because of us. The problem comes of course once we have achieved this love. How do we sustain this roller-coaster ride of emotion and devotion? There are two ways of course. The first is with flowers. The second is with chocolates.

But what if you are dating a hay fever suffering maiden who is lactose intolerant? My brother had one such problem. This answer was simple. After all, I am here to help you out if any such problem occurs with you. Soft toys. There is nothing a girl likes more than to cuddle a soft toy. Beautiful. Unless of course, they suffer from asthma.

Now, a lactose intolerant girl who suffers from hay fever and asthma may seem like a hard person to find. But my brother managed it. So how did he get around this problem with such a damsel in literal distress? The answer he came up with was to dump her because quite frankly she wasn't worth the effort. I mean let's face it, no child wants to grow up with those sorts of problems. Better to move onto to others in the oceanic wonder that is the gene pool.

Love is a wonderful thing until it is way too hard to maintain. When this happens, simply refrain and move on. I leave you with this mantra on love and emotion, which you can interpret in any way you please but I do believe it has two meanings. My brother I do believe, utilised both meanings of the phrase.

"Fuck it."

I bid you a very good day.

Girlfriend and the Internet

So, some older people don't seem to understand that relationships can form through the internet, that for some reason it's difficult to forge a meaningful partnership with someone through the internet without meeting face to face. They also claim it's scary - what kind of odd and bizarre people do you get online? But with the advent of social networks and instant messengers I don't subscribe to this view. I mean I met my girlfriend through the internet. She doesn't yet know she's my girlfriend...