Ex-Nazi

It's a cruel place to get comedy from, but I shall try anyway!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8364447.stm

The headline reads - 'Ex-Nazi' charged with 58 murders.

Now...how does one go about becoming an Ex-Nazi? Is it the moment Hitler died, he went, "I guess that's that, then." And hung up his cap.

Or is as he was at a holocaust camp and was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.

"Err, Hans (no stereotypical names with me), what are you doing?"
"Oh shit...I've...I've become a Nazi haven't I?"
"Yes, Hans. Yes you have."
"Ah shit. From now on..I shall be an ex-Nazi!"

And from then on, he put Ex-Nazi on his CV? Wouldn't there be a glaring 6 year gap on the CV?

"So..1939 to 1945, what was going on?"
"Err...oh is that not on there? I do apologise, they should be there."
"Well what were you doing?"
"Err..Human Resources..in Berlin."

Harsh but...well just harsh probably. But I like it.

The X Factor

Well it had to happen eventually. A little discussion on the X Factor. And by discussion of course, I mean me typing a shit load of stuff and you reading it. So more of a Headmaster type discussion than a job interview type discussion.

Anyway, this is about people who seem to have an unnatural interest in the X Factor, which is about 80% of the population, rather than either ignoring the whole thing or simply watching it as a time waster and then forgetting about it ten minutes later. I have adopted both these approaches in the past few years and this year I am in the latter camp. If I miss it, who cares. Who do I want to win? I couldn't care less. Because at the end of the day at least 10 of the 12 acts will end up back where they were before the competition within 2 years.

Some people though, actually vote on this competition. I know a girl who voted 12 times in the final last year. Get this - 8 times for who she wouldn't to win and 4 times for the other act, as she felt sorry for them. What. The. Hell? Others will miss it on Saturday or Sunday and actually avoid the news so they can see it on catch up. If you miss the Saturday show, you have missed some glorified national TV karaoke. If you missed Sunday's show all you need to know is who went out and you have saved yourself an hour of your life.

Anyway, then there is the people who debate the show. "I hate Dave!" "OhmyGod!!! Yeah, and what about those retards The Downs Syndromes?" No, neither of those two acts are in it this year and yes, even I think it would be harsh to make a pop group out of the disabled and call it the Downs Syndromes. If you read that bit and went 'Ha! There isn't a Dave in it!' to yourself, then you have more of a vested interest in the X Factor than is really needed. Who really cares?

Another thing that pisses me off are the fake arguments between the judges. "Oh my God! Why did Cheryl say that about her?!" "Louis was such a dick to him last night." Yes, people. Yes. They are evil. Or... wait a second! Isn't this a TV programme? Which would be really dull if all the judges agreed on every act? It's bizarre they have so many disagreements, even when there is a flawless performance. The best moment so far was in the first week when a girl group was criticised for what they were wearing. they then got voted out by the public. Now...are we really meant to think that they chose their own costumes for the show? Or were they advised by a make-up department? Who were probably advised by a producer of the show what they should wear. Whose name is probably Simon Cowell.

Just a revolutionary idea I had there. But no, it can't be. It's almost like by giving John and Edward the biggest budget every week, Cowell wants them to stay? Because he is getting viewers...But that can't be it because he has said before he wants them off and soon! Well give them fuck all budget then Cowell! It's your bloody show. They won't win by the way, if anyone was getting excited they may do. They'll be voted off either in the show before the final or the final itself. Mark my words. If I get that right by the way, then I'll be deserving of a fucking medal.

Adios, Amigos. Oh and vote...no wait, save money in a recession, fools.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Here's something I was thinking about the other day. I was doing some vague wikipedia-based learning and happened to click on the link for David Carradine, Bill in the Kill Bill films. Presumably you know, but if you don't he died recently from the classic death of autoerotic asphyxiation.

For those of you who don't know, autoerotic asphyxiation is, in the most basic terms, essentially achieving a better orgasm by cutting off the Oxygen supply to the brain. Now, one way men do this, if you wanted to try it out, is by putting a noose round your neck casually, then putting a sliced orange in your mouth, wanking like a monkey at the same time as increasing the pressure against your neck from the noose and THEN, as you are passing out, you bite the orange in your mouth to wake yourself up from this state. Satisfaction achieved!

Now, if this DOESN'T happen. And you find the orange slips from your mouth due to your focusing on the intense masturbation, or if you forget the orange entirely, or you slip from the bed entirely and actually hang yourself for real, then this can cause your death and the worst final image your wife or mother will ever have of you upon returning home with the shopping.

"Hi Dear...WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Now, I don't know about you but I struggle to think of the exact moment and man masturbates and thinks to himself, "You know, this just isn't working for me like I wanted it to." He then WAITS for himself to be home alone, unless you really want to ramp up the danger by doing it in a packed house. Imagine the confusion there!

"Honey what the fuck are you doing?!"
"Ah..I was just...checking the lightbulb, and took off my tie...to...and I did it all whilst eating an orange...naked."

It wouldn't work.

So anyway, these people wait for people to leave before thinking, "Fucking yes! Time for my crazy wank!" Most guys watch porn, bish bash bosh, game over, kill time until people return. But these guys, they kind of notice that they have a free house and think to themselves, "Today, I'm going to go that bit further and fulfil my masturbatory needs." I don't know at what point they think of this method. Do they catch a glimpse of the fruitbowl when feeling amorous? Do they take off their tie after a hard day at work, notice the light, look back to the tie, and rub their chin thoughtfully? I just don't know.

But this does happen! And at first I thought through what they must think before doing it, but then what about the self-hate you send yourself afterwards. Normally, you think, "Oh I shouldn't have done that..I am evil, never again...degrading these women..." and then find yourself in the same position 24 hours later. Now these blokes, they must hang themselves with the tie, cut the orange, put it in the mouth, get naked, ASSUME THE POSITION!, realise you haven't pressed play on the porn video, get down from the bed complete with orange in mouth (trying not to bite!), back to bed, ASSUME THE POSITION!, wank like a gibbon, almost pass out, bite the orange, wake the fuck up, come to ...err...completion...

And then what? You are just hanging there! Naked, limp...the thoughts that must run through your mind at that moment. How feeble and vulnerable must you feel? Then your phone might vibrate.

"Hello? Oh Hi Mum...Yer I'm a bit busy at the moment..."

So, next time your flatmate or wife or girlfriend is wondering what to do with their leftover fruit in the fruitbowl...just have a think.