The Future

So, anyone else find the future exciting? Who knows what is just around the corner? But thinking even further ahead, we get to, hopefully, experience marriage and of course becoming a parent.

Now this is something I am really looking forward to, and after a discussion with a friend the other day, I think I may need a really loving wife to allow me to do all the things with my children that I want to do. If you suddenly have Josef Fritzl images in your mind then you are on the wrong track entirely.

What I mean is just general things which you can only get away with if you are the parent of said child. When my child is only a few days old I want him or her to sleep in a shoebox. Just for a laugh. Take a photo and hide it away for use in future years.

When the wife goes out, leaving me with the baby fast asleep, I want to play a quick game of human buckaroo, chucking al sorts of rubbish over my first born. Pens, receipts, condoms...I may even buy a pack of cigarettes just to play the game with them. I put 4 between the fingers. And light them. When my child gets their first graze, I'll administer a plaster in the form of an apple sticker. Just because I can and they don't stay small forever.

Photos will be taken when they are naked of course. And if it's a bloke, the penis size will undoubtedly be taken the piss out of. I might put on an upset expression and the international sign for 'tiny cock' behind my newborn. Ah what delights we can look forward to.

But my best plan, well I like to think so, is to place a marmite lid on their tiny head and take a picture. Just because it looks funny. you may have noticed I am a white guy so it may not look as good as if I had a black baby. some people have called that joke racist, so to even it out, I may put a marmite lid on a friend's black baby and a mayonnaise lid on mine.

Is this cruel? I don't think so. I mean they will be costing me a fortune over the next two decades so I think I deserve some laughter now. The only problem I have is if my wife doesn't find any of these things funny. But when the cat's away...

Thinking about it now, I don't think I'm fit to be a parent.

Animal Experiments and Hitler's Hairdresser

So today I have been thinking about animal experiments. Nothing cruel just like...well you know when all the sheep of a flock are sheared for their wool? What if you only sheared one and watch what happens? That could be interesting. You get a kind of punk sheep as a result. One who doesn't vie a shit due to it's skin head, well skin body type appearance.

"I'm a baaaaaaad ass motherfucker."

Then I thought no. Where you could really have fun is by feeding a sloth some coffee. and get it proper addicted. Or any kind of caffeine. A sloth on red bull. Just imagine that.

"I'm kind of tired, man. Thought I might rest here."
"What? No! Check this out, I'm climbing this branch. Woo, yer!"

I dunno really. These are all just kind of ideas of jokes rather than actual jokes currently. Although the image f a hyper sloth is pretty cool. He could pretend to be slow like the others then run around when the zookeeper comes to fetch him.

But animal experiments, I don't really agree with that.

"Dude, I just put lipstick on a rabbit."
"What? Why?"
"Dude I just grafted an ear onto a mouse!"
"what the fu- what are you, a Nazi? What the hell is wrong with you Dave?"

The Nazi's too, I have a problem with them. I mean who doesn't right. But I have this theory that Hitler, you know for all his bad points, his appearance was well groomed. Someone had to do that right? Hitler's hairdresser. That man I'd love to have a chat with. Hitler's hairdresser. He had scissors so close to Hitler's neck and yet he chose to cut his hair with them? C'mon man, just a quick jab to the neck and it's all over. Blood everywhere. Hitler dead. World War II. Over.

(in camp accent) "I couldn't possibly d that, Henry, these scissors are da finest stainless steel!"

Gah. Whatever, I'm out of here. Adios amigos.

Heckler Comeback

I was going to update this with a long post earlier but forgot. by forgot, I truly mean forgot everything it was going to say. So until I have more time, this will have to do.

Basically it is a heckler comeback. So imagine someone has just shouted, "I hate you" at me, or something more offensive.

"By the way I think I forgot to mention. I have rules with regards to heckles. It's just one rule basically. I don't respond to heckle made my inbred retards so unfortunately I am going to have to let that heckle slide. It's only fair."

Stand Up - People

So here is a random full routine I just wrote on people, intended for a student audience hence the opening paragraph. It contains swearing. Deal with it.

Alright? It’s a pleasure to see you all here about...ooh about 3 hours after you all got up. Yeah, I know what it’s like. I’m a student too. Lunch at four. You know it’s great to see that the UK will still be okay with us in charge in ten or twenty years time because people, well, they don’t half annoy me at the moment.

I used to work in a petrol station and I had a woman come to my counter. She goes, “Yeah, umm, the prices of petrol are cheaper down the road.” What does she expect me to say? “Ahh, gee. I’m sorry about that. Must have been an oversight on my part, I didn’t realise you were popping in today. I’ll just change that for you.” I mean come on, lady. If their cheaper down the road then go down the fucking road. And then as if to insult me she goes, “Well, I’m going to be taking my business elsewhere.” Ah shit. You know because the £10 you were about to put into your mini cooper was really going to keep this place afloat. I don’t care. I’m on £5.70 an hour. Give a shit if you don’t come back. Not my problem. Take your business elsewhere. But then before she leaves, “Oh and I’ll have a twenty Marlboro lights.” So, I sold them to her and said, “I’m sorry you’re gonna have to take your business elsewhere.” She missed the joke. I don’t care really, she’s dying of cancer soon anyway.

People do just get on my nerves though. I went to the cinema a few weeks ago and this moron behind the counter, you know, the kind of guy that is just a little bit over friendly and is probably a paedophile? He says to me, “Going to see a film huh?” “Ah gee, I was actually here to buy some over priced food, I’m doing my weekly shop but now you mention it, yeah. Why shouldn’t I see a film as it’s a FUCKING CINEMA!” Anyway, I show him my student ID and he’s just typing in the tickets to the computer or whatever when he turns to me and says, “Sorry was it a student or an adult, I forget. Haha!” Haha? Whatever they’re paying you it’s too much.

I’m surprised that people like that guy have even got a job when you know, immigrants and asylum seekers need jobs too. “Oh my god they are taking our jobs!” Yeah, well it’s because all our natives are dumb as shit. The recession was probably caused because they forgot to carry the one. I just despair when people say that thing though, “Come over here, taking our jobs.” Why should you care? You have a job. And the people that don’t are the people that don’t care. Cinema boy is proof that anybody can get a job. The only reason the Polish are here is because we’ve relocated all their Delicatessens anyway. They need to get a plane to complete their weekly shop. You know the people that I don’t get are beggars.

When you live in any big town or city there are bound to be beggars or tramps, some through no fault of their own on the street. It’s a given. It’s sad but you move on. The ones I don’t get are...well I moved to Bournemouth about 2005, so I was fifteen. And walking into town I gave this guy 50p or so for a hostel apparently. The next day he asks again. It’s four years later now, and he is still there. Now what part of this, is a good idea to him? “So Son, how is your career going?” “Yeah not bad Dad, out on the streets everyday.””ever thought of going on the dole?” “The what?” In the time that he has been on the street I have gained qualifications, got halfway through a degree and visited some beautiful countries. It’s just bizarre.

Another one I like is the beggar who never has enough for a return fare to his home. “I need to get a return to my house.” That sort of thing. And the first time you give it but the second or third time you don’t. And as I walk I think, what kind of an idiot gets the bus in the morning without thinking how to get home? Why has he even left if doesn’t have any money to spend in town? When I go out, I normally make sure I know how I’m getting home. Once maybe, but three times you haven’t learnt your lesson? You deserve to not to get home for being a dumb ass motherfucker. And that’s the truth. God, people piss me off. He hasn’t yet answered to that complaint. Anyway, that’s all from me, before I go though, can anyone lend me a bit of money to get home? Cheers.

Radio Sketch - Smut Scrabble

Well hello there. At uni there are two things I currently write for - a stage sketch show and a radio sketch show. Here is a radio sketch I wrote earlier today and am in fact, rather proud of.

Commentator #1: Hello and welcome to Scrabble Live!

Commentator #2: Yes, you join us as we are about halfway through the grand final. Competition of course, has been fierce all week and the finalists are really at the top of their game.

Commentator #1: Up now is Rack from Sweden and we must say now that she is wearing some quite beautiful shoes.

Commentator #2: Yes, they really are a beautiful pair. Rack also has a wonderful...err...set of tiles in front of her, I’m unsure what she will play here though. She’s got them in her hand now and she’s tossing them about. Her opponents today really enjoying her wrist action.

Commentator #1: And there we have it! Orgasm! An Orgasm has come out from Rack. Very impressive, she looks satisfied with that. That’s 12 points with the M earning double.

Commentator #2: Onto Davis from Wales. Possibly the most gifted player but his tiles leave a lot to be desired. He won’t get a lot here. He’s wincing at the prospect...

Commentator #1: Oh and there we have it! Come! Come all over the board. He has been producing come throughout the tournament. Almost his get out of jail free card. His opponents don’t look to happy.

Commentator #2: Rack’s orgasm a thing of the past as Davis’s come adds some much needed excitement. Rack wipes her brow as a result. Quite magnificent from Davis. I have never seen come used in such a way. Earns himself 11 points there with double letter on the C.

Commentator #1: Ah now here’s the big man. Almost dumbstruck by the wham bam of orgasm and come from his competitors. This is Big Boris. Boris Yashvelli of course, hailing from Russia. Come has almost been placed in such a way by Davis that Big Boris’s letters are in a mess. What can he do here?

Commentator #2: Well he’s got a P and an N...oh there we go! He has whipped it out! Big Boris! Wow!

Commentator #1: Yes, there’s penis now on the board. Fantastic from Big Boris. He just went for it there. In his excitement a few tiles have been shaken from the board. A huge one for Boris. Rack is impressed. He has put the Penis in such a way that is passing through Rack’s balloons from earlier. Rack absolutely ravaged by that.

Commentator #2: Yes, almost came as a surprise to Rack who was sipping her coffee. Davis can’t believe it. His come was so good but Boris’s penis more than impressed. And it is large enough to move Boris into the lead. Can’t say I’m surprised. He really did just showcase his brilliance there. Just whipped it out.

Commentator #1: Wel that’s the thing about Boris. He could have shrivelled up under pressure but no. As hard as you like, he remains stiff competition.

Commentator #2: Well yes, quite literally. And so to our fourth player, we haven’t spoken much about him. I’m not sure if we can say this on live radio but known as the man with three balls, due to his unusual name. I can’t really pronounce it, umm, Uji Nik-a-blok-ov?

Commentator #1: Yes, Uji Nikabolokov. From Prague. His letter are no good at all. Oh no. Oh dear. He’s just let that one out.

Commentator #2: Yes, lowered the tone with that. Fart. It’s this sort of thing that really stinks. Loud and proud, Uji just stunk the place out with that one. A real shame. A horrible word as I am sure we all agree when he could have rearrange the letters and placed Raft.

Commentator #1: He could have placed his raft between, err let me see, between Davis’s buttocks from earlier.

Commentator #2: Brilliant play from Davis when he shoved buttocks onto the board. But this from Bolokov? Horrible play. To put it simply, his fart stinks. Haha!

Commentator #1: Please don’t lower the tone of the commentary with silly puns.

Pause.

Commentator #1: Oh, I hear there is news in the Tennis at Wimbledon! We’ll just go there now.

Commentator #3: Yes! The Scottish player Condom. Condom has broken...

Fade out.

Heckler

My brother has pointed out to me that if I said we like to play spot the twat when on stage, a heckler would probably say, "He's on stage."

So I have tried to work out a way of defecting that. My best idea so far is simply to say, "Hush please, I said we were playing spot the twat not wanker of the week." But that could come off as me saying I am a wanker...hmm.

Maybe, "Schizophrenia's a terrible thing." Is that a bit vague?

Maybe, "But you aren't on stage." Is that a decent deflection? Probably not. Or maybe...

"Very witty, very clever of you. So you know it's quite hard for someone to walk on stage and try to tell jokes to an audience they don't know and yet you try and make it even harder. What, did you punch your mum as you were being born? Yeah? Or do you step on the fireman's hose when they're putting out a fire? Hmm? 'Cos the way I see it, you're not currently standing up here with a microphone. You are just sitting in your own corner of misery, sipping from a pint of desperation wondering why the fuck you're so lonely and you have so far amounted to nothing in life. So am I really the twat here? Or is it you, the man who tried to be funny in an attempt to get respect and some friends to help ease his depression and in a return got a verbal backlash he wasn't really ready for. I'm the one with the microphone remember, think before you speak. The real sad thing is, you did. And look where that got you."

But... Maybe that's too harsh.

A Whole Routine

Here's a short routine I came up with as I walked into town yesterday. I'm not sure I can remember it all, so we'll see...

I walk out.

"Hi, hello, hi there. Pleasure to be here, etc, etc. You know many people have it in their mind that it's very nerve-racking for somebody to walk out in front of a large crowd of people they don't know and do comedy by themselves. Umm, I wouldn't know obviously. Having not played to a large crowd as yet. And that doesn't apear to be a duck I'm going to break today.

Now one famous stand up, I won't name him, once tried to compare stand up comedy and the nervousness that goes with it to something people could relate to. He said that it was like 'being on death row and walking the green mile'. Now, I've never been on death row and I have never walked the green mile. However, I don't know, I just think that comparison may be a little bit off.

Obviously, I can't be a hundred percent sure. As far as I'm aware nobody on death row is known for their wacky sense of humour and their cool, calm way of dealing with pressure from an audience. Likewise, i don't know of any stand up comedian that has found themselves on death row. One can only hope that in the future, Jim Davidson, Roy 'Chubby' Brown and James Corden help us to find out if the comparison is actually a good one.

Now, comedy as you probably all know is subjective. You may not like what I like for example. As a result of this, hecklers are...well known shall we say.

At this point I'd wait for a heckle. If one doesn't happen then it's fine as the material should work either way. I'll write as if their is no heckle. you can work out what it would be like if there was. I'll put the extra bit if there was a heckle in italics.

I want to let you into a little secret actually. During my set, like this, every night, I enjoy playing little games with my audience. what I tend to play the most ladies and gentlemen, is a variation of Where's Wally, the popular kid's book. the variation I play is called Spot the Twat, and I can't be sure but I think the game is over a little earlier tonight than it is usually. unless someone else want's to heckle me?

Here, I am hoping someone would be stupid enough to do it. If not then, well I'd just ignore it and finish the set early. So here is what I would say if there was then a heckle...

Ah yes, there we go. A heckle as asked for by me. Now, many people often love to see how a comedian deals with their heckler. Tonight, is going to be a little different. I won't berate him/her I just want you to all think for a second. How many people, when knowing that the man on stage with the microphone has openly stated that he plays a game called spot the cunt with hecklers...How many people, ladies and gentlemen, would then shout out? This man/woman has done just that. He/She has basically shouted out to the room, "I am a twat! Rejoice! For I am the winner of this game! Spot no more! For it is I! The King/Queen of Twats!"

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this insight into the life of a comic. Sometimes of course, there are instances where you do just die on stage, which is I think what the comedian was getting at when they compared it to walking the green mile. Where you get no laughs and there's just an idiot standing on the stage with a microphone.

I'd stop speaking here for a bit. Then almost come to my sense as I realise I am that idiot.

I mean basically, where you just want the world or something huge, massive, vast to swallow you up whole...that's the second time tonight I've advertised James Corden in my set. This is bizarre. The mind boggles. Anyway, cheers..."

And that is that! Came up with it on the way into town. I personally quite like it, but I'd love to hear feedback from anyone who reads this as I may, just may...actually try it out. We'll have to see.

Thanks for reading.