Well here's a joke I've had stored a way for a while...and I was reminded of it last night. So before I forget it, I feel I should post it up.
"So...benches are interesting I think. Often in weird locations and you wonder why someone would ever want to stare at a main road. But quite often, and I'm sure you've noticed this, they have a little memorial plaque to a loved one. Something saying, 'For Edgar Westwick, who loved this spot. 1932-2004' And some people think, 'Ah well that's nice.' But not me. How dare they. HOW DARE THEY! You didn't love him at all, did you? He may have loved that spot so what have you gone and done? You've gone and put a fucking bench there and ruined it.
What a disgrace. He must be rolling around in his grave."
And there we go.
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Monday, 23 November 2009
I came, I saw, I conquered.
I often wonder where my topics come from. Like today...
I thought about the word 'cum' - why is it spelt differently to come? Who first spelt that differently...wait! Why is it called cum? Because you ..come...or have came..who first said they came?!
"I've come"
"You've what?"
I thought about the word 'cum' - why is it spelt differently to come? Who first spelt that differently...wait! Why is it called cum? Because you ..come...or have came..who first said they came?!
"I've come"
"You've what?"
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Ferrero Rocher
Ferrero Rocher.
The pinnacle of chocolate. The poshest chocolate. Forget the gorgeous Galaxy. Forget the luscious Lindt. Ferrero Rocher is the undisputed King of Posh Chocolate.
The best bit?
It's made in Watford. 'Nuff said.
The pinnacle of chocolate. The poshest chocolate. Forget the gorgeous Galaxy. Forget the luscious Lindt. Ferrero Rocher is the undisputed King of Posh Chocolate.
The best bit?
It's made in Watford. 'Nuff said.
Ex-Nazi
It's a cruel place to get comedy from, but I shall try anyway!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8364447.stm
The headline reads - 'Ex-Nazi' charged with 58 murders.
Now...how does one go about becoming an Ex-Nazi? Is it the moment Hitler died, he went, "I guess that's that, then." And hung up his cap.
Or is as he was at a holocaust camp and was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.
"Err, Hans (no stereotypical names with me), what are you doing?"
"Oh shit...I've...I've become a Nazi haven't I?"
"Yes, Hans. Yes you have."
"Ah shit. From now on..I shall be an ex-Nazi!"
And from then on, he put Ex-Nazi on his CV? Wouldn't there be a glaring 6 year gap on the CV?
"So..1939 to 1945, what was going on?"
"Err...oh is that not on there? I do apologise, they should be there."
"Well what were you doing?"
"Err..Human Resources..in Berlin."
Harsh but...well just harsh probably. But I like it.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8364447.stm
The headline reads - 'Ex-Nazi' charged with 58 murders.
Now...how does one go about becoming an Ex-Nazi? Is it the moment Hitler died, he went, "I guess that's that, then." And hung up his cap.
Or is as he was at a holocaust camp and was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.
"Err, Hans (no stereotypical names with me), what are you doing?"
"Oh shit...I've...I've become a Nazi haven't I?"
"Yes, Hans. Yes you have."
"Ah shit. From now on..I shall be an ex-Nazi!"
And from then on, he put Ex-Nazi on his CV? Wouldn't there be a glaring 6 year gap on the CV?
"So..1939 to 1945, what was going on?"
"Err...oh is that not on there? I do apologise, they should be there."
"Well what were you doing?"
"Err..Human Resources..in Berlin."
Harsh but...well just harsh probably. But I like it.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
"Trust Me...
...I'm a doctor."
Well a random thought just hit me.
Did that phrase ever change when Harold Shipman was around?
"I can't trust you."
"You can! Trust me, I'm a doc- oh no. I know what it is. It's the fact I killed all those people isn't it?"
Yes Harold, yes it is. There's a joke in here somewhere but I am too tired to work out where.
Well a random thought just hit me.
Did that phrase ever change when Harold Shipman was around?
"I can't trust you."
"You can! Trust me, I'm a doc- oh no. I know what it is. It's the fact I killed all those people isn't it?"
Yes Harold, yes it is. There's a joke in here somewhere but I am too tired to work out where.
Praying
Okay, I am most proud of this joke, which came to me as I walked past the church on my way home this evening. I could probably elaborate but I love its simplicity.
"I'm not saying religion is a bad thing, just that it confuses me, the blind faith of it all. Take for example, praying. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just that anything where you have to get on your knees to get the job done perhaps shouldn't be trusted. And then they expect YOU to give money to THEM after YOU were the one on YOUR knees? These churches have got it made..."
And that's it. And yes, I am most proud of myself for it.
"I'm not saying religion is a bad thing, just that it confuses me, the blind faith of it all. Take for example, praying. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just that anything where you have to get on your knees to get the job done perhaps shouldn't be trusted. And then they expect YOU to give money to THEM after YOU were the one on YOUR knees? These churches have got it made..."
And that's it. And yes, I am most proud of myself for it.
Segregation - Cycling
Well this is a stupid routine I thought up on my walk home.
"Now people say that with the abolition, if you like, of apartheid, segregation is close to being eradicated once and for all. At least, we have nothing like that in Britain.
Now this of course, is complete bullshit as I am sure you know. Take for instance, a cycle path along a country lane. I walk on one to and from my house. Normally into town, I don't just do it for the sake of it. But there is a clear white line running down the path, dividing up walkers and cyclists.
Weirdly, every time I walk on it, I always stick to the walker side, even if there is nobody else around. Other walkers seem to do it too, even if we are fully aware a bike is nowhere near by. It's ridiculous. A line in the road and we stick to it, even though there is no real rule or any reason to stick to it if no cyclists are using it.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling rebellious, I will walk on the cyclists side but I always think for some reason someone will turn up and berate me for my walking on the wrong side. The cycle police if you will.
"Here! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm just walking home..."
"On the wrong side! That is for walkers, and this is for cyclists. Now sir, you do not appear to have a bike with you."
"What on earth are you on about? Have you met my girlfriend?"
A clever retort, I think you will agree, but sure to get me a slap.
(A mime of being slapped goes here...)
"How dare you, talk about your girlfriend in that way.."
Thus ends the routine.
See what I did there? You thought it was the girlfriend that slapped me but no! And that was what I came up with on my walk...well that and the post above which is a joke I was delighted to come up with...
"Now people say that with the abolition, if you like, of apartheid, segregation is close to being eradicated once and for all. At least, we have nothing like that in Britain.
Now this of course, is complete bullshit as I am sure you know. Take for instance, a cycle path along a country lane. I walk on one to and from my house. Normally into town, I don't just do it for the sake of it. But there is a clear white line running down the path, dividing up walkers and cyclists.
Weirdly, every time I walk on it, I always stick to the walker side, even if there is nobody else around. Other walkers seem to do it too, even if we are fully aware a bike is nowhere near by. It's ridiculous. A line in the road and we stick to it, even though there is no real rule or any reason to stick to it if no cyclists are using it.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling rebellious, I will walk on the cyclists side but I always think for some reason someone will turn up and berate me for my walking on the wrong side. The cycle police if you will.
"Here! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm just walking home..."
"On the wrong side! That is for walkers, and this is for cyclists. Now sir, you do not appear to have a bike with you."
"What on earth are you on about? Have you met my girlfriend?"
A clever retort, I think you will agree, but sure to get me a slap.
(A mime of being slapped goes here...)
"How dare you, talk about your girlfriend in that way.."
Thus ends the routine.
See what I did there? You thought it was the girlfriend that slapped me but no! And that was what I came up with on my walk...well that and the post above which is a joke I was delighted to come up with...
Text Books
Something I have been meaning to post for a while is a thought on text books. We all know them and we all used to loathe them. Some of us still do, but their names have changed from text books to theory books. Some have grown up with a theory book though, which they may grow to loathe over time if they are not as much of a fan of the book as their family. We call these people Christians.
Anyway, what I have been thinking about really, are the text books you received when in your teenage years. Biology, Physics, Chemistry and the most important one for this point, Maths. Now my trouble with the Maths text book is that you used to get given homework like, "Page 74, questions 1 to 6." Doesn't seem pointless until you realise the answers are at the back which is what you check for in every text book as soon as you receive it.
The teacher of course would continue, "Now I know the answers are at the back but I don't want you to cheat. I'll be wanting your working too." Ah shit. Although, not really because as a nation of cheaters, we'd invariably look at the question, look at the answer and try and figure out how the hell it equals that and adjust my working accordingly. Occasionally putting a '?' after the answer I knew to be correct, just to make it look as though I was unsure. Yes, I was a genius child.
But no, the problem I have with text books, and the thing that has been bothering me about them is that someone actually had to write the fucker in the first place. Who the hell writes a text book? How dull do you have to be? Who aspires to write one? Fair enough, if it is Biology then you are at last writing a scientific book of sorts. If it is Maths though, then wow, you are a boring individual. Writing out questions for students, then working them out yourself. "My name is Bob and I write maths text books." Gee, Bob, I bet you're the life and soul of the party.
And who the hells does bob hang out with? Especially when his questions veer away from the mind numbingness of quadratics?
"Hi, I'm Bob."
"Oh hello, my name is Jazuki and this is my friend Nimar. We were just talking about how long it takes us to get to work if we walk 4 miles along a busy road where we are interrupted at 6 intervals for 2 minutes each and our regular speed is 5miles per hour."
"Hmm..."
And so it goes...'Nimar and Jazuki were working out how long it takes them to walk to work.." Who the FUCK does that? And who the hell has the name Jazuki?! Way to be politically correct, Bob.
Yes, Maths was a waste of time but hey! At least I now know how to work out a quadratic equation and I have to say it may well be the MOST useful thing I ever learnt at school. Right up there with knowing all about the Battle of Ypres, just in case I ever plan on invading Belgium. And who the hell would want to do that?
Anyway, what I have been thinking about really, are the text books you received when in your teenage years. Biology, Physics, Chemistry and the most important one for this point, Maths. Now my trouble with the Maths text book is that you used to get given homework like, "Page 74, questions 1 to 6." Doesn't seem pointless until you realise the answers are at the back which is what you check for in every text book as soon as you receive it.
The teacher of course would continue, "Now I know the answers are at the back but I don't want you to cheat. I'll be wanting your working too." Ah shit. Although, not really because as a nation of cheaters, we'd invariably look at the question, look at the answer and try and figure out how the hell it equals that and adjust my working accordingly. Occasionally putting a '?' after the answer I knew to be correct, just to make it look as though I was unsure. Yes, I was a genius child.
But no, the problem I have with text books, and the thing that has been bothering me about them is that someone actually had to write the fucker in the first place. Who the hell writes a text book? How dull do you have to be? Who aspires to write one? Fair enough, if it is Biology then you are at last writing a scientific book of sorts. If it is Maths though, then wow, you are a boring individual. Writing out questions for students, then working them out yourself. "My name is Bob and I write maths text books." Gee, Bob, I bet you're the life and soul of the party.
And who the hells does bob hang out with? Especially when his questions veer away from the mind numbingness of quadratics?
"Hi, I'm Bob."
"Oh hello, my name is Jazuki and this is my friend Nimar. We were just talking about how long it takes us to get to work if we walk 4 miles along a busy road where we are interrupted at 6 intervals for 2 minutes each and our regular speed is 5miles per hour."
"Hmm..."
And so it goes...'Nimar and Jazuki were working out how long it takes them to walk to work.." Who the FUCK does that? And who the hell has the name Jazuki?! Way to be politically correct, Bob.
Yes, Maths was a waste of time but hey! At least I now know how to work out a quadratic equation and I have to say it may well be the MOST useful thing I ever learnt at school. Right up there with knowing all about the Battle of Ypres, just in case I ever plan on invading Belgium. And who the hell would want to do that?
Monday, 9 November 2009
Stupid Sayings
Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.
The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?
When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.
So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.
The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?
EVER?
EVER?!
Yes, ever.
Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.
Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.
That last bit is pretty important...
The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?
When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.
So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.
The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?
EVER?
EVER?!
Yes, ever.
Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.
Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.
That last bit is pretty important...
Thursday, 5 November 2009
The X Factor
Well it had to happen eventually. A little discussion on the X Factor. And by discussion of course, I mean me typing a shit load of stuff and you reading it. So more of a Headmaster type discussion than a job interview type discussion.
Anyway, this is about people who seem to have an unnatural interest in the X Factor, which is about 80% of the population, rather than either ignoring the whole thing or simply watching it as a time waster and then forgetting about it ten minutes later. I have adopted both these approaches in the past few years and this year I am in the latter camp. If I miss it, who cares. Who do I want to win? I couldn't care less. Because at the end of the day at least 10 of the 12 acts will end up back where they were before the competition within 2 years.
Some people though, actually vote on this competition. I know a girl who voted 12 times in the final last year. Get this - 8 times for who she wouldn't to win and 4 times for the other act, as she felt sorry for them. What. The. Hell? Others will miss it on Saturday or Sunday and actually avoid the news so they can see it on catch up. If you miss the Saturday show, you have missed some glorified national TV karaoke. If you missed Sunday's show all you need to know is who went out and you have saved yourself an hour of your life.
Anyway, then there is the people who debate the show. "I hate Dave!" "OhmyGod!!! Yeah, and what about those retards The Downs Syndromes?" No, neither of those two acts are in it this year and yes, even I think it would be harsh to make a pop group out of the disabled and call it the Downs Syndromes. If you read that bit and went 'Ha! There isn't a Dave in it!' to yourself, then you have more of a vested interest in the X Factor than is really needed. Who really cares?
Another thing that pisses me off are the fake arguments between the judges. "Oh my God! Why did Cheryl say that about her?!" "Louis was such a dick to him last night." Yes, people. Yes. They are evil. Or... wait a second! Isn't this a TV programme? Which would be really dull if all the judges agreed on every act? It's bizarre they have so many disagreements, even when there is a flawless performance. The best moment so far was in the first week when a girl group was criticised for what they were wearing. they then got voted out by the public. Now...are we really meant to think that they chose their own costumes for the show? Or were they advised by a make-up department? Who were probably advised by a producer of the show what they should wear. Whose name is probably Simon Cowell.
Just a revolutionary idea I had there. But no, it can't be. It's almost like by giving John and Edward the biggest budget every week, Cowell wants them to stay? Because he is getting viewers...But that can't be it because he has said before he wants them off and soon! Well give them fuck all budget then Cowell! It's your bloody show. They won't win by the way, if anyone was getting excited they may do. They'll be voted off either in the show before the final or the final itself. Mark my words. If I get that right by the way, then I'll be deserving of a fucking medal.
Adios, Amigos. Oh and vote...no wait, save money in a recession, fools.
Anyway, this is about people who seem to have an unnatural interest in the X Factor, which is about 80% of the population, rather than either ignoring the whole thing or simply watching it as a time waster and then forgetting about it ten minutes later. I have adopted both these approaches in the past few years and this year I am in the latter camp. If I miss it, who cares. Who do I want to win? I couldn't care less. Because at the end of the day at least 10 of the 12 acts will end up back where they were before the competition within 2 years.
Some people though, actually vote on this competition. I know a girl who voted 12 times in the final last year. Get this - 8 times for who she wouldn't to win and 4 times for the other act, as she felt sorry for them. What. The. Hell? Others will miss it on Saturday or Sunday and actually avoid the news so they can see it on catch up. If you miss the Saturday show, you have missed some glorified national TV karaoke. If you missed Sunday's show all you need to know is who went out and you have saved yourself an hour of your life.
Anyway, then there is the people who debate the show. "I hate Dave!" "OhmyGod!!! Yeah, and what about those retards The Downs Syndromes?" No, neither of those two acts are in it this year and yes, even I think it would be harsh to make a pop group out of the disabled and call it the Downs Syndromes. If you read that bit and went 'Ha! There isn't a Dave in it!' to yourself, then you have more of a vested interest in the X Factor than is really needed. Who really cares?
Another thing that pisses me off are the fake arguments between the judges. "Oh my God! Why did Cheryl say that about her?!" "Louis was such a dick to him last night." Yes, people. Yes. They are evil. Or... wait a second! Isn't this a TV programme? Which would be really dull if all the judges agreed on every act? It's bizarre they have so many disagreements, even when there is a flawless performance. The best moment so far was in the first week when a girl group was criticised for what they were wearing. they then got voted out by the public. Now...are we really meant to think that they chose their own costumes for the show? Or were they advised by a make-up department? Who were probably advised by a producer of the show what they should wear. Whose name is probably Simon Cowell.
Just a revolutionary idea I had there. But no, it can't be. It's almost like by giving John and Edward the biggest budget every week, Cowell wants them to stay? Because he is getting viewers...But that can't be it because he has said before he wants them off and soon! Well give them fuck all budget then Cowell! It's your bloody show. They won't win by the way, if anyone was getting excited they may do. They'll be voted off either in the show before the final or the final itself. Mark my words. If I get that right by the way, then I'll be deserving of a fucking medal.
Adios, Amigos. Oh and vote...no wait, save money in a recession, fools.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Love
Love, ladies and gentlemen, is something we all strive for. We fight for it, for someone to love and to cherish, to make us feel good about ourselves and to make them feel better about themselves because of us. The problem comes of course once we have achieved this love. How do we sustain this roller-coaster ride of emotion and devotion? There are two ways of course. The first is with flowers. The second is with chocolates.
But what if you are dating a hay fever suffering maiden who is lactose intolerant? My brother had one such problem. This answer was simple. After all, I am here to help you out if any such problem occurs with you. Soft toys. There is nothing a girl likes more than to cuddle a soft toy. Beautiful. Unless of course, they suffer from asthma.
Now, a lactose intolerant girl who suffers from hay fever and asthma may seem like a hard person to find. But my brother managed it. So how did he get around this problem with such a damsel in literal distress? The answer he came up with was to dump her because quite frankly she wasn't worth the effort. I mean let's face it, no child wants to grow up with those sorts of problems. Better to move onto to others in the oceanic wonder that is the gene pool.
Love is a wonderful thing until it is way too hard to maintain. When this happens, simply refrain and move on. I leave you with this mantra on love and emotion, which you can interpret in any way you please but I do believe it has two meanings. My brother I do believe, utilised both meanings of the phrase.
"Fuck it."
I bid you a very good day.
But what if you are dating a hay fever suffering maiden who is lactose intolerant? My brother had one such problem. This answer was simple. After all, I am here to help you out if any such problem occurs with you. Soft toys. There is nothing a girl likes more than to cuddle a soft toy. Beautiful. Unless of course, they suffer from asthma.
Now, a lactose intolerant girl who suffers from hay fever and asthma may seem like a hard person to find. But my brother managed it. So how did he get around this problem with such a damsel in literal distress? The answer he came up with was to dump her because quite frankly she wasn't worth the effort. I mean let's face it, no child wants to grow up with those sorts of problems. Better to move onto to others in the oceanic wonder that is the gene pool.
Love is a wonderful thing until it is way too hard to maintain. When this happens, simply refrain and move on. I leave you with this mantra on love and emotion, which you can interpret in any way you please but I do believe it has two meanings. My brother I do believe, utilised both meanings of the phrase.
"Fuck it."
I bid you a very good day.
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