I wish I had something funny to update this blog with. I really wish I did. As it happens I am going to run with this, some kind of odd speech on jokes. We'll see how it goes. Currently I have no idea what to write...here goes...
"So...joke are cool aren't they? We like jokes. They make us smile, they make us laugh, they take away that awkward silence in a room.
LONG PAUSE FOR AWKWARD SILENCE IN THE ROOM
...Some jokes you like, some jokes you don't. That's always been the nature of them. Knock, knock jokes, Doctor, doctor jokes. Everything always happens twice in the most particular jokes. Odd. Anyway, there was a joke that I was told a long time ago that went something like this: If a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of? Inevitably, you would respond with green bricks. And they'd go, "Nope! Glass! Ha!" And you'd feel like a lemon.
I don't really hold that many grudges. Like everyone I get a little despondent about certain things from time to time but grudges I'm kind of...too lazy to deal with. But I have held a grudge against that joke for a long time. And now I am older and I don't see the children I used to hang out with...last year (genius line!)...just kidding...i still see them but their parents aren't aware anymore (And there's the follow up!) ...Sorry I digressed for comic effect. But anyway now I am older and I don't see any of my childhood buddies, I feel I can revolt on this one.
Green bricks is one of the correct answers to that question. I'm sorry but it is. nobody should be berated for saying a green house is made of green bricks. Just because there is an item called a greenhouse that is made out of glass, if I went down a road with anybody and we saw a house made of green bricks, I wouldn't react strangely if my friend went "Oh look a green house!" I wouldn't laugh, I wouldn't cajole him (great word) for using the words green and house for a different item to that of the glass based heat gatherer for plants...I would probably go, "Oh yeah."
If you said, "Come to my house, it's the green house on the street." I wouldn't drive past all the houses looking for a transparent glass structure. I'd probably look for the stupidly painted house. That leaps out at me because it has been unwisely painted green.
So in conclusion, if I have any children in the future, and my child walks up to me and says, "Daddy, if a red house is made of red bricks, a yellow house is made of yellow bricks and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green house made out of?" I shall reply, "Green bricks." And as soon as he utters, "No-" I shall slap him around the face. It'll be for his own good.
The moral of this story is... learn to let jokes go and social services probably won't bother you in the future. It's too late for me so save yourselves whilst you can."
So yeah...I wasn't even planning on writing all that.
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, come and see the show I have written and am performing in and generally arranged with my co-star, Sophie, at Edinburgh Fringe Festival, 15th-23rd August at the Newsroom. Quarter past midnight until one in the morning. Yeah!
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Talking Politics
Apologies for only posting once in June. i am extremely busy with Edinburgh arrangements at the moment so...yeah. Anyway, here is a sketch that myself and Sophie Petzal wrote together which we LOVED but think it may have been too clever for it's own good. See what you think.
Talking Politics
Person 1: Immigrants aren’t good though.
Person 2: Well they need a place to live.
Person 1: Fuck where they need to live. I walked down the street the other day and there were just so many of them. Literally thousands. I mean, do they breed like fucking rabbits? What I’m trying to say is are they copulating as they walk? I literally couldn’t move there were so many of them. I’m not even joking.
Person 2: But they bring in jobs…
Person 1: Fuck them bringing in jobs! We need jobs! I couldn’t find one, could you find one? Not one that I’d want to do anyway. Daddy can only fund me for so long. You’re looking at this all wrong.
Person 2: Well…they help the economy.
Person 1: HELP THE ECONOMY?! FUCK the economy. Have you seen the economy recently. Immigrants have screwed us over. The share price has fallen. Daddy told me so.
Person 2: Well technically, shares fell due to a crisis in investor confidence.
Person 1: Fuck investor confidence! I can’t believe you’re defending them! They’re throwing this country to the dogs. We need these guys out.
Person 2: But…they’ve done well for the arts…and education.
Person 1: Fuck arts and education! We’ve got all this Europe shit going on! We should never have signed that fucking treaty! I tell you the moment you get involved with those in-bred halfwits, our shares go tumbling.
Person 2: But-
Person 1: Fuck but! Look: 1. Immigrants. Too many. Do I need to spell it out for you? Because I’m going to anyway. 2. Jobs. Where the fuck can we get one without those immigrants stealing them? 3. Economy. The share prices are fucked. 4. That treaty. 5. Europe. Don’t you see? DON’T YOU SEE?! I’m telling you, if you don’t vote for Adolf and the Nazis come June 25th, you’re a fool. They’ll sort this country right out. You’ll see. Sieg fucking heil!
...And that was that. We love it. Yet it didn't make it into the show. Shame.
Talking Politics
Person 1: Immigrants aren’t good though.
Person 2: Well they need a place to live.
Person 1: Fuck where they need to live. I walked down the street the other day and there were just so many of them. Literally thousands. I mean, do they breed like fucking rabbits? What I’m trying to say is are they copulating as they walk? I literally couldn’t move there were so many of them. I’m not even joking.
Person 2: But they bring in jobs…
Person 1: Fuck them bringing in jobs! We need jobs! I couldn’t find one, could you find one? Not one that I’d want to do anyway. Daddy can only fund me for so long. You’re looking at this all wrong.
Person 2: Well…they help the economy.
Person 1: HELP THE ECONOMY?! FUCK the economy. Have you seen the economy recently. Immigrants have screwed us over. The share price has fallen. Daddy told me so.
Person 2: Well technically, shares fell due to a crisis in investor confidence.
Person 1: Fuck investor confidence! I can’t believe you’re defending them! They’re throwing this country to the dogs. We need these guys out.
Person 2: But…they’ve done well for the arts…and education.
Person 1: Fuck arts and education! We’ve got all this Europe shit going on! We should never have signed that fucking treaty! I tell you the moment you get involved with those in-bred halfwits, our shares go tumbling.
Person 2: But-
Person 1: Fuck but! Look: 1. Immigrants. Too many. Do I need to spell it out for you? Because I’m going to anyway. 2. Jobs. Where the fuck can we get one without those immigrants stealing them? 3. Economy. The share prices are fucked. 4. That treaty. 5. Europe. Don’t you see? DON’T YOU SEE?! I’m telling you, if you don’t vote for Adolf and the Nazis come June 25th, you’re a fool. They’ll sort this country right out. You’ll see. Sieg fucking heil!
...And that was that. We love it. Yet it didn't make it into the show. Shame.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Pacman Remembered radio sketch
The following is a long sketch I wrote for radio the other day... It does help if you have a basic knowledge of the world of Pacman.
Reg Murphy: Hello and welcome to another all new edition of What’s Behind the Game?, the documentary series which takes a look back at popular gaming series of the past. Tonight we venture forth into the murky world of the popular arcade classic, Pacman. We meet its stars and discuss the goings on of how they made the game. From the outside it appears to be just another video game, but upon removing the exterior and hearing the stories from those involved, a much more interesting picture begins to emerge. Sit back, relax and enjoy their memories of a game fraught with tension from the very start.
Pause and then come into the dialogue as though the person has been talking for a while and his interview has been edited down.
Pink Ghost: ...Yes I was, yes. I remember it vividly, almost like it was yesterday. I went into the room and I saw the costumes laid out there and I remember thinking I had clearly been set up. I was lead to believe when I signed up that I would be a white ghost...
Pink Ghost’s chat fades out.
Interviewer: He seems to think he was meant to be a white ghost.
Pacman: I wouldn’t know. I had nothing to do with the ghost costumes. I simply put on my yellow orb costume and went for it, you know? I wouldn’t be surprised if he complained though. I do remember him complaining a lot.
Fade back to Pink Ghost’s interview.
Pink Ghost: I know was a little aggressive at the time perhaps, but I had been conned! They tried to sell my costume as salmon coloured. It’s not, it’s pink. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you? And...I think it was clear to me, since meeting the others that I was the ‘joke’ of the pack if you like, never truly accepted and I think they ruined my costume as a result of that.
Fade out...
Red Ghost: I think that’s nonsense.
Interviewer: You think that’s nonsense?
Red Ghost: I do, yes. I do. There was never any malice from me certainly, I can’t speak for the blue ghost or the orange ghost obviously, but from my point of view, there was never any problem that I had with the salmon coloured ghost.
Interviewer: He claims you may have put his white costume with your red costume, in the wash?
Red Ghost: No that’s utterly ridiculous. I had nothing to do with the washing.
Fade out...
Pacman: I think what happened, umm, from what I can gather, at least...is that the costumes of the four ghosts were arranged to be red, white, orange and blue but there was something that happened between the four of them which meant that wasn’t the case.
Fade out...
Pink ghost: I was annoyed. I was. I can’t deny it. Have you tried wearing pink in public? You haven’t? Well...
Fade out...
Orange ghost: Has he? I remember that vividly. The costume situation. Yeah. The original wardrobe malfunction as it’s called. But I think I am the only person that genuinely know what that was all about. From memory the blue ghost, was extremely good friends with the developer of the game and when I was looking for my orange costume one day I did over hear their discussion, which I have to say, made a lot of sense to me.
Fade out...
Interviewer: The orange ghost says you may have been to blame for the pink coloured ghost costume?
Blue ghost: Me? I don’t know where he got that from! No! No, it wasn’t me...
Fade out...
Orange Ghost: I remember it vividly. Umm, I was looking for my costume, which was often misplaced by the yellow orb, as we used to call him. And that often made us more aggressive when filming the actual gameplay, it made us more intent to catch him...but I digress, I turned the corner and the blue ghost has some ‘issues’ I think you could say with a white hooded figure chasing down a character who could, if you shortened their name, be referred to as ‘packie’.
Fade out...
Pacman: I don’t remember that. I don’t remember anybody calling me that. No. I wouldn’t have been offended though. Why would I? It’s just a shortened name surely? No, what I used to get offended by was when they would call me
Instant cut to
Pink ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yeah, we did call him that. We did. In hindsight was an extremely stupid thing for a guy in a pink hood to be saying to a character twice his size.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yes. It was great.
Fade out...
Red ghost laughs.
Red ghost: Oh my days! I’d forgotten about that! I had! The rolling yellow boulder. We did call each other a lot of names actually. It was a very difficult production though. Very heated. Very early on, I remember thinking, this guy in yellow is gonna blow. He needs something to calm him down.
Fade out...
Orange ghost: It’s important to remember we were working long hours down there in that maze, with only neon blue lights to guide us, really. I mean once he’d rolled over those floor lights they disappeared. We used to joke that he used to break them rather than the pressure system which would remove the ‘pills’ I believe they are called, from the game.
Fade out...
Pacman: There were a lot of joke about my weight, yes. I was on the verge of leaving at one point but then they agreed to my request to flip the scenario, every now and again and allow me to chase them.
Fade out...
Pink ghost: I think he could have been gay. I did think that for a long time and really did worry me, wearing that pink shirt.
Fade out...
Interviewer: I mean, you were the blue ghost anyway.
Blue ghost: I was... exactly!
Fade out...
Red ghost: He did used to complain.
Interviewer: He did?
Red ghost: Well...you have to remember it was different for me. I was wearing red, so the change was noticeable. And orange and salmon were the same. But I don’t think the blue ghost ever wanted to change his cloak over because it was just a different shade of blue.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: Annoyed? I was furious! Do you have any idea how easy it is to change over the cloak? And they wanted it done quickly. It just seemed pointless to me, I mean...red to blue, fair enough. Orange or salmon to blue...again, fair enough. But blue to ...blue? And then when caught we had to run back to base, and turn it over again back to our normal colour. So I literally went from blue to blue to blue to blue. Ridiculous. I mean, whose idea was that?
Fade out...
Pink ghost: I did laugh at the time. I did, yes. I found it very funny simply because he then knew what I was going through with my own personal costume problem.
Fade out...
Pacman: It did make him easier to catch than the others, yes. Because sometimes he wouldn’t be able to see which shade he was putting back on. It’s very difficult in that light. Especially towards the end of a level when there wouldn’t be many of the lights left shining.
Fade out...
Interviewer: Was there any sexual tension within the group?
Red ghost: Oh yes. The fruit. The fruit were played by women. Strawberry, cherry, you name it, it was a female. And all of the ghosts used to run about trying to attract their attentions but obviously it was too much of a done deal really.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: Yes. The cherries. She was quite a looker. And the strawberry too.
Fade out...
Cherry: We only had eyes for the one character, I think.
Strawberry: Yes. We were young, carefree and to be honest, if you could wander off with the lead singer of a band or the drummer, who would it be?
Fade out...
Orange ghost: Pacman. Everytime. They would always go for the rolling yellow boulder. But then they had more time with him. During the actual gaming part of the production, we had no reason to roll anywhere near the fruit so.. he naturally had an advantage to woo them.
Fade out...
Pacman: It was wonderful! It was! I can’t deny it. Cherry, strawberry, hell sometimes even the kiwi. It was great.
Fade out...
Interviewer: Did you ever have any success with the fruit?
Pink ghost: No. No...but I was wearing a pink hood you have to remember.
Fade out...
Interviewer: One final question to you all. Do you understand how the portal worked from walking out of one side of the maze and ending up instantly on the other?
Cherry: Well, we were the fruit, so I only ever heard about it from pacman.
Fade out...
Strawberry: I saw it once. I did. Kiwi once said she went through it but I don’t think she was telling the truth. We never had any reason to ever go anywhere near it.
Fade out...
Red ghost: I used to love going through there. I really did. I used to imagine myself as some kind of red mist...just...oh I loved it.
Fade out...
Pacman: No. I have no idea how it worked. But the costume used to slow me down. And it was a tight squeeze. The boulder name, looking back, was a fair description. I was huge.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: I think it was just some teleportation device I think. I don’t know. I’m still furious about that blue to blue thing, you’ve reminded me about.
Fade out...
Orange ghost: The tunnel? I have no idea how that worked. I heard rumours that the blue ghost has fixed it or something, but I don’t know. Very impressive piece of engineering though.
Fade out...
Pink ghost: How did the portal device work? Witchcraft. No question, witchcraft. I wouldn’t put it past the red ghost to have created that. He ruined a perfectly costume for me. I mean...salmon?!
Fade out...
Reg Murphy: So there we have it. The cast of pacman talking there about their experiences. That’s all from me, I hope you enjoyed it, but take some pleasure from the sneak preview of next week’s show, which will focus on Pong. Goodnight.
Fade out...
Pong Ball: Yes it pissed me off being the ball! I was whacked left, right, left, right. It was a relief when one of them missed me. A horrible time Horrible.
Reg Murphy: Hello and welcome to another all new edition of What’s Behind the Game?, the documentary series which takes a look back at popular gaming series of the past. Tonight we venture forth into the murky world of the popular arcade classic, Pacman. We meet its stars and discuss the goings on of how they made the game. From the outside it appears to be just another video game, but upon removing the exterior and hearing the stories from those involved, a much more interesting picture begins to emerge. Sit back, relax and enjoy their memories of a game fraught with tension from the very start.
Pause and then come into the dialogue as though the person has been talking for a while and his interview has been edited down.
Pink Ghost: ...Yes I was, yes. I remember it vividly, almost like it was yesterday. I went into the room and I saw the costumes laid out there and I remember thinking I had clearly been set up. I was lead to believe when I signed up that I would be a white ghost...
Pink Ghost’s chat fades out.
Interviewer: He seems to think he was meant to be a white ghost.
Pacman: I wouldn’t know. I had nothing to do with the ghost costumes. I simply put on my yellow orb costume and went for it, you know? I wouldn’t be surprised if he complained though. I do remember him complaining a lot.
Fade back to Pink Ghost’s interview.
Pink Ghost: I know was a little aggressive at the time perhaps, but I had been conned! They tried to sell my costume as salmon coloured. It’s not, it’s pink. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you? And...I think it was clear to me, since meeting the others that I was the ‘joke’ of the pack if you like, never truly accepted and I think they ruined my costume as a result of that.
Fade out...
Red Ghost: I think that’s nonsense.
Interviewer: You think that’s nonsense?
Red Ghost: I do, yes. I do. There was never any malice from me certainly, I can’t speak for the blue ghost or the orange ghost obviously, but from my point of view, there was never any problem that I had with the salmon coloured ghost.
Interviewer: He claims you may have put his white costume with your red costume, in the wash?
Red Ghost: No that’s utterly ridiculous. I had nothing to do with the washing.
Fade out...
Pacman: I think what happened, umm, from what I can gather, at least...is that the costumes of the four ghosts were arranged to be red, white, orange and blue but there was something that happened between the four of them which meant that wasn’t the case.
Fade out...
Pink ghost: I was annoyed. I was. I can’t deny it. Have you tried wearing pink in public? You haven’t? Well...
Fade out...
Orange ghost: Has he? I remember that vividly. The costume situation. Yeah. The original wardrobe malfunction as it’s called. But I think I am the only person that genuinely know what that was all about. From memory the blue ghost, was extremely good friends with the developer of the game and when I was looking for my orange costume one day I did over hear their discussion, which I have to say, made a lot of sense to me.
Fade out...
Interviewer: The orange ghost says you may have been to blame for the pink coloured ghost costume?
Blue ghost: Me? I don’t know where he got that from! No! No, it wasn’t me...
Fade out...
Orange Ghost: I remember it vividly. Umm, I was looking for my costume, which was often misplaced by the yellow orb, as we used to call him. And that often made us more aggressive when filming the actual gameplay, it made us more intent to catch him...but I digress, I turned the corner and the blue ghost has some ‘issues’ I think you could say with a white hooded figure chasing down a character who could, if you shortened their name, be referred to as ‘packie’.
Fade out...
Pacman: I don’t remember that. I don’t remember anybody calling me that. No. I wouldn’t have been offended though. Why would I? It’s just a shortened name surely? No, what I used to get offended by was when they would call me
Instant cut to
Pink ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yeah, we did call him that. We did. In hindsight was an extremely stupid thing for a guy in a pink hood to be saying to a character twice his size.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: The rolling yellow boulder? Yes. It was great.
Fade out...
Red ghost laughs.
Red ghost: Oh my days! I’d forgotten about that! I had! The rolling yellow boulder. We did call each other a lot of names actually. It was a very difficult production though. Very heated. Very early on, I remember thinking, this guy in yellow is gonna blow. He needs something to calm him down.
Fade out...
Orange ghost: It’s important to remember we were working long hours down there in that maze, with only neon blue lights to guide us, really. I mean once he’d rolled over those floor lights they disappeared. We used to joke that he used to break them rather than the pressure system which would remove the ‘pills’ I believe they are called, from the game.
Fade out...
Pacman: There were a lot of joke about my weight, yes. I was on the verge of leaving at one point but then they agreed to my request to flip the scenario, every now and again and allow me to chase them.
Fade out...
Pink ghost: I think he could have been gay. I did think that for a long time and really did worry me, wearing that pink shirt.
Fade out...
Interviewer: I mean, you were the blue ghost anyway.
Blue ghost: I was... exactly!
Fade out...
Red ghost: He did used to complain.
Interviewer: He did?
Red ghost: Well...you have to remember it was different for me. I was wearing red, so the change was noticeable. And orange and salmon were the same. But I don’t think the blue ghost ever wanted to change his cloak over because it was just a different shade of blue.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: Annoyed? I was furious! Do you have any idea how easy it is to change over the cloak? And they wanted it done quickly. It just seemed pointless to me, I mean...red to blue, fair enough. Orange or salmon to blue...again, fair enough. But blue to ...blue? And then when caught we had to run back to base, and turn it over again back to our normal colour. So I literally went from blue to blue to blue to blue. Ridiculous. I mean, whose idea was that?
Fade out...
Pink ghost: I did laugh at the time. I did, yes. I found it very funny simply because he then knew what I was going through with my own personal costume problem.
Fade out...
Pacman: It did make him easier to catch than the others, yes. Because sometimes he wouldn’t be able to see which shade he was putting back on. It’s very difficult in that light. Especially towards the end of a level when there wouldn’t be many of the lights left shining.
Fade out...
Interviewer: Was there any sexual tension within the group?
Red ghost: Oh yes. The fruit. The fruit were played by women. Strawberry, cherry, you name it, it was a female. And all of the ghosts used to run about trying to attract their attentions but obviously it was too much of a done deal really.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: Yes. The cherries. She was quite a looker. And the strawberry too.
Fade out...
Cherry: We only had eyes for the one character, I think.
Strawberry: Yes. We were young, carefree and to be honest, if you could wander off with the lead singer of a band or the drummer, who would it be?
Fade out...
Orange ghost: Pacman. Everytime. They would always go for the rolling yellow boulder. But then they had more time with him. During the actual gaming part of the production, we had no reason to roll anywhere near the fruit so.. he naturally had an advantage to woo them.
Fade out...
Pacman: It was wonderful! It was! I can’t deny it. Cherry, strawberry, hell sometimes even the kiwi. It was great.
Fade out...
Interviewer: Did you ever have any success with the fruit?
Pink ghost: No. No...but I was wearing a pink hood you have to remember.
Fade out...
Interviewer: One final question to you all. Do you understand how the portal worked from walking out of one side of the maze and ending up instantly on the other?
Cherry: Well, we were the fruit, so I only ever heard about it from pacman.
Fade out...
Strawberry: I saw it once. I did. Kiwi once said she went through it but I don’t think she was telling the truth. We never had any reason to ever go anywhere near it.
Fade out...
Red ghost: I used to love going through there. I really did. I used to imagine myself as some kind of red mist...just...oh I loved it.
Fade out...
Pacman: No. I have no idea how it worked. But the costume used to slow me down. And it was a tight squeeze. The boulder name, looking back, was a fair description. I was huge.
Fade out...
Blue ghost: I think it was just some teleportation device I think. I don’t know. I’m still furious about that blue to blue thing, you’ve reminded me about.
Fade out...
Orange ghost: The tunnel? I have no idea how that worked. I heard rumours that the blue ghost has fixed it or something, but I don’t know. Very impressive piece of engineering though.
Fade out...
Pink ghost: How did the portal device work? Witchcraft. No question, witchcraft. I wouldn’t put it past the red ghost to have created that. He ruined a perfectly costume for me. I mean...salmon?!
Fade out...
Reg Murphy: So there we have it. The cast of pacman talking there about their experiences. That’s all from me, I hope you enjoyed it, but take some pleasure from the sneak preview of next week’s show, which will focus on Pong. Goodnight.
Fade out...
Pong Ball: Yes it pissed me off being the ball! I was whacked left, right, left, right. It was a relief when one of them missed me. A horrible time Horrible.
Friday, 30 April 2010
Another Hitler based joke thing.
Last night I had a bit of a stand up style joke.
I'll see if I can tell it well.
Basically...it goes like this.
"People always seem to stereotype others based on their creative impulses. Something like 'not a hard worker because they have chosen to have a tattoo on their forehead'. Something like that. But I think this is harsh. I mean it may be true, but you only need to look at one man to prove it wasn't. Adolf Hitler. Look at what he achieved and he was a lazy shaver. Imagine if he wasn't so casual with regards to so many things; so haphazard about his own personal facial hair. Think about what he could have done if he put his mind to it and actually tried once in a while..."
So it was something like that. Basically riffing along the lines of Hitler not shaving meaning he was lazy and what could have been...
Over and out.
I'll see if I can tell it well.
Basically...it goes like this.
"People always seem to stereotype others based on their creative impulses. Something like 'not a hard worker because they have chosen to have a tattoo on their forehead'. Something like that. But I think this is harsh. I mean it may be true, but you only need to look at one man to prove it wasn't. Adolf Hitler. Look at what he achieved and he was a lazy shaver. Imagine if he wasn't so casual with regards to so many things; so haphazard about his own personal facial hair. Think about what he could have done if he put his mind to it and actually tried once in a while..."
So it was something like that. Basically riffing along the lines of Hitler not shaving meaning he was lazy and what could have been...
Over and out.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
The TK Maxx Experience
I should also add that as well as being busy with Edinburgh stuff, I have a new blog on tumblr.
It is simply called, 'The TK Maxx Experience' and maybe when I get round to it, it won't look as rubbish as it currently does. However, it is the content that matters more in a blog, not what it looks like. I believe it was Marlon Brando who said that. Maybe.
Anyway, it gets updated once a day by yours truly, with a photo of something crap that I have photographed in TK Maxx. It was inspired by my post about TK Maxx on March 31st.
Enjoy.
The TK Maxx Experience
It is simply called, 'The TK Maxx Experience' and maybe when I get round to it, it won't look as rubbish as it currently does. However, it is the content that matters more in a blog, not what it looks like. I believe it was Marlon Brando who said that. Maybe.
Anyway, it gets updated once a day by yours truly, with a photo of something crap that I have photographed in TK Maxx. It was inspired by my post about TK Maxx on March 31st.
Enjoy.
The TK Maxx Experience
Just Say Yes
Well, I haven't written anything the past few weeks because I am busy writing the sketches for Edinburgh, which I won't post here because some aren't completed and...yeah.
Anyway, I came up with a novel idea for a 100% complete rape eradication from the world the other day. It could have a a marketing campaign and everything. The slogan is simply, "Just say yes."
If everyone said yes to every request for someone to sleep with them, there would be no rape to speak of and a huge decrease in crime. Genius, I think you'll agree. With absolutely no problems at all.
Alternatively, my other slogan for this campaign was, "Rape them back." in order to give the bullies a taste of their own medicine. both slogans work well I think and were I pushing for PM at the moment, this would be in my manifesto.
Brown, Cameron, Clegg...you know what to do.
Anyway, I came up with a novel idea for a 100% complete rape eradication from the world the other day. It could have a a marketing campaign and everything. The slogan is simply, "Just say yes."
If everyone said yes to every request for someone to sleep with them, there would be no rape to speak of and a huge decrease in crime. Genius, I think you'll agree. With absolutely no problems at all.
Alternatively, my other slogan for this campaign was, "Rape them back." in order to give the bullies a taste of their own medicine. both slogans work well I think and were I pushing for PM at the moment, this would be in my manifesto.
Brown, Cameron, Clegg...you know what to do.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
TK Maxx
When I was in year 10 I think it was, we had to fill out a form on some computer programme which told us what job would be perfect for us when we left school. This computer programme, which I seem to remember was called Kudos, decided that the perfect job for me was Sign Maker. That's right, someone that had just decided in his options to give up anything DT related, and had also given up Art, would be right at home in a job which, if I rose far up the sign making ladder, could eventually land me a massive £19,000 a year. Naturally, I still salivate at the thought of this career. Second place if you were wondering, went to me becoming a Stage/Floor Manager at a Theatre or Television Studio. That was a pretty good call by Kudos, to be fair. I'm at least interested in that kind of industry.
Anyway, back to the point. What I am wondering dear reader, is what the hell did the guy who has the easiest job in the world get? I don't really care obviously, it just links in nicely for me to tell you what the easiest job in the world must be. If you are wondering what the easiest job in the world is, it is quite simply Head Buyer for TK Maxx. Or maybe Chief of Sales. I don't know what the exact job title would be but he or she undoubtedly has the easiest job in the world.
If you are unfamiliar with TK Maxx, it is a shop which for the most part, has the highest turnover of complete crap you have ever seen. My Auntie thinks it is brilliant for its cheap clothes. but 99.9% of clothes in TK Maxx are horrendous. The reason they are there and selling below RRP is because nobody else wanted them. The thing is with TK Maxx, and its supporters, is that they only ever mention the clothes, forgetting that at least a quarter of the store is made up of other completely useless shit.
Whenever I go in there, I generally flick through a couple of T-Shirts, note they are all still completely defunct of any redeeming features, and then I head to Africa. Before visiting the garden. And then the library. And then Toys 'R' Us. All within one aisle of each other. The last time I was there I looked at some funky African style tribal mask (made in Spain!), a stone snail for the garden, a book by Chantelle from Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago and then some Wizard gaming figures which comprised of 3 characters in robes which all looked suspiciously like another far more famous wizard franchise. Still...only £5.99!
My question is ... who buys this crap? I mean, really? Really? REALLY?! The fact it was in the store means that people do clearly buy this stuff and although it has no redeeming value whatsoever, does sell. Thus, I can only assume the Head Buyer for TK Maxx has the easiest job of all time. I assume he buys stuff on a simple question and answer survey:
1. Would they buy it for themselves?
Yes - Pass.
No - Proceed to question two.
2. Does it have any redeeming qualities?
Yes - Pass.
No - Buy it for TK Maxx.
I assume that is how items are bought in bulk for TK Maxx. I could be wrong, he may just ask the seller to describe it and if they start with, "Well, it's a bit shit really..." Then it gets added to the company credit card.
So there you go. Head Buyer of TK Maxx. They sell crap. As a result, it's the easiest job in the world.
Anyway, back to the point. What I am wondering dear reader, is what the hell did the guy who has the easiest job in the world get? I don't really care obviously, it just links in nicely for me to tell you what the easiest job in the world must be. If you are wondering what the easiest job in the world is, it is quite simply Head Buyer for TK Maxx. Or maybe Chief of Sales. I don't know what the exact job title would be but he or she undoubtedly has the easiest job in the world.
If you are unfamiliar with TK Maxx, it is a shop which for the most part, has the highest turnover of complete crap you have ever seen. My Auntie thinks it is brilliant for its cheap clothes. but 99.9% of clothes in TK Maxx are horrendous. The reason they are there and selling below RRP is because nobody else wanted them. The thing is with TK Maxx, and its supporters, is that they only ever mention the clothes, forgetting that at least a quarter of the store is made up of other completely useless shit.
Whenever I go in there, I generally flick through a couple of T-Shirts, note they are all still completely defunct of any redeeming features, and then I head to Africa. Before visiting the garden. And then the library. And then Toys 'R' Us. All within one aisle of each other. The last time I was there I looked at some funky African style tribal mask (made in Spain!), a stone snail for the garden, a book by Chantelle from Celebrity Big Brother a few years ago and then some Wizard gaming figures which comprised of 3 characters in robes which all looked suspiciously like another far more famous wizard franchise. Still...only £5.99!
My question is ... who buys this crap? I mean, really? Really? REALLY?! The fact it was in the store means that people do clearly buy this stuff and although it has no redeeming value whatsoever, does sell. Thus, I can only assume the Head Buyer for TK Maxx has the easiest job of all time. I assume he buys stuff on a simple question and answer survey:
1. Would they buy it for themselves?
Yes - Pass.
No - Proceed to question two.
2. Does it have any redeeming qualities?
Yes - Pass.
No - Buy it for TK Maxx.
I assume that is how items are bought in bulk for TK Maxx. I could be wrong, he may just ask the seller to describe it and if they start with, "Well, it's a bit shit really..." Then it gets added to the company credit card.
So there you go. Head Buyer of TK Maxx. They sell crap. As a result, it's the easiest job in the world.
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