Stupid Sayings

Here are two sayings I have been thinking about recently. I have no idea if you can bring it up in any future conversation at all but if you can then do, because it makes the person feel ridiculously foolish.

The first is the simple saying, "Yeah, I always think that." This is when you point something out, (in this case why Americans use cardboard takeaway packaging for noodles, whereas the UK uses plastic boxes), and the person you are with asserts that yes, they too have thought about that before as well with the immortal line, "Yeah, I always think that." Now hold on a second there. You ALWAYS think that? No matter what you are up to, no matter who you may be with, you are ALWAYS wondering about those takeaway boxes?

When you were thinking about that girl you like. Takeaway boxes.
When receiving those dreaded A level results. Takeaway boxes.
In the future when getting married. Takeaway boxes.

So there we go. If anyone agrees with, "Yeah, I always think that." Rinse them for it.

The second silly saying, which you may here more often, is someone describing something as "the best thing ever." X Factor is the best thing ever! Radiohead are the best thing ever! A lie-in is the best thing ever! Hold up right there. The best thing EVER?

EVER?

EVER?!

Yes, ever.

Better than life, Radiohead prevail. Better than your family, the X Factor reigns supreme. A lie in is way better than shooting your boss square in the face in a game of paintball. Even if you still think these things are better, chances are there is always something a little bit better. The best thing ever? No, it's the best thing right this second when you don't think before you speak.

Feel free to pick people up on that phrase too. So there you go, "Yeah, I always think that." And "_____ is the best thing ever!" are both stupid sayings. Pick people up on it, make them feel foolish but most importantly make them laugh when you pick them up on it or they will think you are a pedantic little prick.

That last bit is pretty important...

The X Factor

Well it had to happen eventually. A little discussion on the X Factor. And by discussion of course, I mean me typing a shit load of stuff and you reading it. So more of a Headmaster type discussion than a job interview type discussion.

Anyway, this is about people who seem to have an unnatural interest in the X Factor, which is about 80% of the population, rather than either ignoring the whole thing or simply watching it as a time waster and then forgetting about it ten minutes later. I have adopted both these approaches in the past few years and this year I am in the latter camp. If I miss it, who cares. Who do I want to win? I couldn't care less. Because at the end of the day at least 10 of the 12 acts will end up back where they were before the competition within 2 years.

Some people though, actually vote on this competition. I know a girl who voted 12 times in the final last year. Get this - 8 times for who she wouldn't to win and 4 times for the other act, as she felt sorry for them. What. The. Hell? Others will miss it on Saturday or Sunday and actually avoid the news so they can see it on catch up. If you miss the Saturday show, you have missed some glorified national TV karaoke. If you missed Sunday's show all you need to know is who went out and you have saved yourself an hour of your life.

Anyway, then there is the people who debate the show. "I hate Dave!" "OhmyGod!!! Yeah, and what about those retards The Downs Syndromes?" No, neither of those two acts are in it this year and yes, even I think it would be harsh to make a pop group out of the disabled and call it the Downs Syndromes. If you read that bit and went 'Ha! There isn't a Dave in it!' to yourself, then you have more of a vested interest in the X Factor than is really needed. Who really cares?

Another thing that pisses me off are the fake arguments between the judges. "Oh my God! Why did Cheryl say that about her?!" "Louis was such a dick to him last night." Yes, people. Yes. They are evil. Or... wait a second! Isn't this a TV programme? Which would be really dull if all the judges agreed on every act? It's bizarre they have so many disagreements, even when there is a flawless performance. The best moment so far was in the first week when a girl group was criticised for what they were wearing. they then got voted out by the public. Now...are we really meant to think that they chose their own costumes for the show? Or were they advised by a make-up department? Who were probably advised by a producer of the show what they should wear. Whose name is probably Simon Cowell.

Just a revolutionary idea I had there. But no, it can't be. It's almost like by giving John and Edward the biggest budget every week, Cowell wants them to stay? Because he is getting viewers...But that can't be it because he has said before he wants them off and soon! Well give them fuck all budget then Cowell! It's your bloody show. They won't win by the way, if anyone was getting excited they may do. They'll be voted off either in the show before the final or the final itself. Mark my words. If I get that right by the way, then I'll be deserving of a fucking medal.

Adios, Amigos. Oh and vote...no wait, save money in a recession, fools.

Love

Love, ladies and gentlemen, is something we all strive for. We fight for it, for someone to love and to cherish, to make us feel good about ourselves and to make them feel better about themselves because of us. The problem comes of course once we have achieved this love. How do we sustain this roller-coaster ride of emotion and devotion? There are two ways of course. The first is with flowers. The second is with chocolates.

But what if you are dating a hay fever suffering maiden who is lactose intolerant? My brother had one such problem. This answer was simple. After all, I am here to help you out if any such problem occurs with you. Soft toys. There is nothing a girl likes more than to cuddle a soft toy. Beautiful. Unless of course, they suffer from asthma.

Now, a lactose intolerant girl who suffers from hay fever and asthma may seem like a hard person to find. But my brother managed it. So how did he get around this problem with such a damsel in literal distress? The answer he came up with was to dump her because quite frankly she wasn't worth the effort. I mean let's face it, no child wants to grow up with those sorts of problems. Better to move onto to others in the oceanic wonder that is the gene pool.

Love is a wonderful thing until it is way too hard to maintain. When this happens, simply refrain and move on. I leave you with this mantra on love and emotion, which you can interpret in any way you please but I do believe it has two meanings. My brother I do believe, utilised both meanings of the phrase.

"Fuck it."

I bid you a very good day.

Walking

Well here's an idea I have been thinking about for a while...and a few times I have actually mentioned it in conversation, people seem to agree and if they don't, well, they still seem to laugh anyway.

The problem I have is a simple one. I walk everywhere. That doesn't sound like a huge problem but it really is. And this is why.

When I walk down the street and I see someone of...say, a different ethnicity, I am not entirely sure what to do. They are walking towards me and I am therefore, fairly obviously walking towards them. The problem I have, is that I have no idea where to look. If I look at them, I presume they are thinking "Why the fuck is he looking at me? Racist motherfucker." Whereas if I then look away to rectify this situation, I think they are wondering why I am not looking at them. "What's so bad about me that he can't even look at me? Racist motherfucker." It's a conundrum.

Obviously, my problem is not limited to skin type. It also happens if I am walking towards a group of girls, to be honest, just one girl. No matter how attractive they are. If they are not exactly God's finest work, I think looking away will make them feel bad, however if I look at them they may think I am perving on them. Yes, even if they are so unattractive it actually stings my eyes to look at them. but I'm a nice guy so the whole looking away to lower their moral thing really does bother me. Now, if it's an attractive female, then looking at them clearly indicates I am a pervert, and looking away will just make them question why I am looking away, lead to an unnecessary diet, which in turn leads to anorexia and death before the age of 30. And it'd all be my fault. Don't even get me started on the non-Caucasian female members of the species. In theory, they should cancel each other out but if anything it makes it worse.

Okay so that covers differing skin colour to me and differing gender to me. You may think that covers everything. Not a chance. Midgets are problematic. Or dwarfs? What do they like to be called? I have no idea. Anyway, it makes no difference - they are an absolute nightmare to come across when walking down the street. For one, you may not even see them until you are tripping over them. Just kidding. But with them, I don't know where to look. I could look at them, but they'd just presume I'm looking at them because of their height or lack thereof. Touché. Or I can look away, but again, they may think I am looking away because I don't want to look. Which is kind of the point. But why shouldn't I want to look? They are human after all. If I look away they may think I am not looking because I don't feel comfortable looking at them. You see my point. Pretty much all people labelled as disabled are hard to deal with for this very reason. Except blind people, as they wouldn't be able to see whether you are looking at them or not. Actually, with blind people you need to follow a different set of rule which is simply watch out for that pesky fucking stick. Trust me, it hurts.

You may think that is all. But nope. Bring in the police force. If I see the police walking towards me, I get so unbelievably nervous. It really is unbelievable. Basically because I haven't done anything wrong every time I see them. I am like, "Shit! A police officer. Act natural." Now, I don't do drugs so if they searched me I'd be fine. Yet, I am always nervous. Problem is, how does one act natural? Do I look them in the eye as I walk past? Is that natural? I remember I once averted my eyes and whistled. Actually whistled. Like the characters in cartoons do if they have acted suspiciously. Somehow thinking whistling makes you instantly on the straight and narrow. Is looking at police suspicious? Or do they think it's suspicious if you look away? The mind boggles.

Maybe I am over analysing everything but imagine for a moment I turn the corner of my road and see an Oriental female police officer with a height deficiency. What the heck would I do then? I honestly don't know. I could pretty much do anything though as I doubt she'd be able to catch me up...

Or maybe I should just buy a car?

Theme Parks

Here's a bizarre though I had today.

Why is it that when you are about 9 or 10 and you are on a day out at the theme park with your family, you are desperate to be tall enough for the rides? Even going so far as to fully extend your back to be the desired 140 or 150 cm.

There is a reason that the minimum height for the ride is that measurement. Because that's the safe height. The height where you won't die.

So what kids are effectively doing, as they fight for the right to goooooo die! (Random Beastie boys reference...) is running to the ruler and basically saying, "Please, I want to put my life in danger, for the sake of a cheap thrill."

The best bit about this is that parents don't really seem to care. "Fuck it, that's less weight in the back of the car when we're driving home." I remember my Dad used to just give me the benefit of the doubt. I didn't even have to go up to the ruler. "Yeah, you're probably tall enough." Cheers, Dad.

It's only when you get on these rides, as a 9 or 10 year old, whizzing around at breakneck speed or stopping just short of a vertical drop for pure excitement, that you begin to reassess. "Hmm...maybe it would have been better if I wasn't 150...AAAARGH!"

My brothers used to do the whole no hands thing. Specially for the camera. some kind of "Yeah, no hands!" thing. Yeah, try no seatbelt, bitches, then let's see who'll be smiling. Also, and this is probably another reason why no hands on a ride annoys me, is that the first time I tried it, I happened to be sitting next to someone whose right hand was...well...it wasn't there. I felt like a bit of a dick when I realised, as I had been waving my hands all over the place like some sort of amateur magician.

I remember on Tidal Wave at Thorpe Park, we were allowed to set off before my Dad has actually put the long metal bar locked in place. That would have been interesting hurtling down that ride. Our mangled bodies creating a mixture of water, blood and loose limbs flying towards the assembled public. Luckily, my Dad got the bar in place and all was good. Happy memories. Unfortunately, the people behind us weren't so lucky and they all died.

But we survived, so, y'know...every cloud and all that.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Here's something I was thinking about the other day. I was doing some vague wikipedia-based learning and happened to click on the link for David Carradine, Bill in the Kill Bill films. Presumably you know, but if you don't he died recently from the classic death of autoerotic asphyxiation.

For those of you who don't know, autoerotic asphyxiation is, in the most basic terms, essentially achieving a better orgasm by cutting off the Oxygen supply to the brain. Now, one way men do this, if you wanted to try it out, is by putting a noose round your neck casually, then putting a sliced orange in your mouth, wanking like a monkey at the same time as increasing the pressure against your neck from the noose and THEN, as you are passing out, you bite the orange in your mouth to wake yourself up from this state. Satisfaction achieved!

Now, if this DOESN'T happen. And you find the orange slips from your mouth due to your focusing on the intense masturbation, or if you forget the orange entirely, or you slip from the bed entirely and actually hang yourself for real, then this can cause your death and the worst final image your wife or mother will ever have of you upon returning home with the shopping.

"Hi Dear...WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Now, I don't know about you but I struggle to think of the exact moment and man masturbates and thinks to himself, "You know, this just isn't working for me like I wanted it to." He then WAITS for himself to be home alone, unless you really want to ramp up the danger by doing it in a packed house. Imagine the confusion there!

"Honey what the fuck are you doing?!"
"Ah..I was just...checking the lightbulb, and took off my tie...to...and I did it all whilst eating an orange...naked."

It wouldn't work.

So anyway, these people wait for people to leave before thinking, "Fucking yes! Time for my crazy wank!" Most guys watch porn, bish bash bosh, game over, kill time until people return. But these guys, they kind of notice that they have a free house and think to themselves, "Today, I'm going to go that bit further and fulfil my masturbatory needs." I don't know at what point they think of this method. Do they catch a glimpse of the fruitbowl when feeling amorous? Do they take off their tie after a hard day at work, notice the light, look back to the tie, and rub their chin thoughtfully? I just don't know.

But this does happen! And at first I thought through what they must think before doing it, but then what about the self-hate you send yourself afterwards. Normally, you think, "Oh I shouldn't have done that..I am evil, never again...degrading these women..." and then find yourself in the same position 24 hours later. Now these blokes, they must hang themselves with the tie, cut the orange, put it in the mouth, get naked, ASSUME THE POSITION!, realise you haven't pressed play on the porn video, get down from the bed complete with orange in mouth (trying not to bite!), back to bed, ASSUME THE POSITION!, wank like a gibbon, almost pass out, bite the orange, wake the fuck up, come to ...err...completion...

And then what? You are just hanging there! Naked, limp...the thoughts that must run through your mind at that moment. How feeble and vulnerable must you feel? Then your phone might vibrate.

"Hello? Oh Hi Mum...Yer I'm a bit busy at the moment..."

So, next time your flatmate or wife or girlfriend is wondering what to do with their leftover fruit in the fruitbowl...just have a think.

One Liners

I can never think of anything to write. Well, not long stand up based things recently, anyway.

So here are a whole load of one-liners I wrote over a year ago...

What will it say on Judi Dench's gravestone when she dies? Boney M

Do you know what really annoys me? People getting annoyed about trivial things.

I was giving a dog a bone the other day...think about it...Well Gran didn't need it anymore.

"You've got to be cruel to be kind" No you fucking don't.

Why did the suicide bomber cross the road? Why would I know, I didn't follow him.

If you posted a book of stamps with no address where would they end up? More importantly, how fast would they get there?

When the Queen sings the national anthem, does she change the lyrics to suit herself?

Why is Superman known as Superman? We know he's super; he's a man.

How do trenches get dug in warfare? In WW1 did the two countries arrive a week before fighting was due to start and just dig? "'Allo!" "Hi! Here for the war?" "Ja!" "One week, I'll getcha!" *mimic machine gun/laugh* "Aha...one week, one week."

What must have gone through the mind of Hitler's hairdresser as he cut his hair? "Ooh sorry I seem to have cut into your skin a bit there." Hmm... *snip snip*

I met a genie once and he said "I grant you one wish." I wished for a 1000 more wishes. He said "Granted but you can't use them because I only offered you one wish you greedy self-interested bastard."

I rubbed a lamp the other day and a genie came out. He said, "I'm free! For this I grant you one wish!" I thought long and hard and eventually said "I wish this lamp and the contents of it went back to how I found it ten minutes ago." The genie got back inside. It made me laugh, I'm harsh like that.

My mum thinks I don't eat enough. I tell her, "I'm thinking about the Ethiopians mum, they'd kill for the food I've got." Actually, no, thinking about it now they wouldn't kill for it would they? They haven't got the muscle strength to back up their punches. That's a vicious cycle.

How is Aids so rife in Africa? What is it they find so attractive about each other? "Ooh he looks nice." "Very boney" "Ooh yes but I love a bit of bone, I love to hear them creak." OR "He looks nice doesn't he?" "Ooh yes, look at that fly on his lower lip. I'd love to kiss that. He wears that fly so fashionably."

How do we know pet food tastes like it says? "Martin! Taste that." "Chicken-y" "Yeah that's what we wanted." "Kind of crunchy though." "Well it is pet food Martin. What about this one?" "Beef?" "Excellent and this one?" "Eww what the fuck is that? That is vile! What flavour is that meant to be?" "That's our [insert unpopular celeb here] flavour..."

I wrote a book once. Apparently it was too unrealistic to ever get published. It was about [insert news item here]. It'll never happen apparently. Ever.

Why do we play those 2p machines in arcades? Everyone I know hates 2p's. Everyone hates loose change. I offer mine around, nobody wants them, even tramps and charities frown at me. But stick them in a machine and everyone wants them! You waste a quid trying to get yourself some more loose change. And you never do. It's a waste of your time! But sometime you look at that chuppa-chup in your hand and you think, "Yeah, that was time well spent."

Have you ever been told by someone that stamps are legal tender? Yeah but what kind of a dick pays a bus driver in stamps? It's like saying a midget is a person; it's a half truth.