Benches

Well here's a joke I've had stored a way for a while...and I was reminded of it last night. So before I forget it, I feel I should post it up.

"So...benches are interesting I think. Often in weird locations and you wonder why someone would ever want to stare at a main road. But quite often, and I'm sure you've noticed this, they have a little memorial plaque to a loved one. Something saying, 'For Edgar Westwick, who loved this spot. 1932-2004' And some people think, 'Ah well that's nice.' But not me. How dare they. HOW DARE THEY! You didn't love him at all, did you? He may have loved that spot so what have you gone and done? You've gone and put a fucking bench there and ruined it.

What a disgrace. He must be rolling around in his grave."

And there we go.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I often wonder where my topics come from. Like today...

I thought about the word 'cum' - why is it spelt differently to come? Who first spelt that differently...wait! Why is it called cum? Because you ..come...or have came..who first said they came?!

"I've come"
"You've what?"

Ferrero Rocher

Ferrero Rocher.

The pinnacle of chocolate. The poshest chocolate. Forget the gorgeous Galaxy. Forget the luscious Lindt. Ferrero Rocher is the undisputed King of Posh Chocolate.

The best bit?

It's made in Watford. 'Nuff said.

Ex-Nazi

It's a cruel place to get comedy from, but I shall try anyway!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8364447.stm

The headline reads - 'Ex-Nazi' charged with 58 murders.

Now...how does one go about becoming an Ex-Nazi? Is it the moment Hitler died, he went, "I guess that's that, then." And hung up his cap.

Or is as he was at a holocaust camp and was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.

"Err, Hans (no stereotypical names with me), what are you doing?"
"Oh shit...I've...I've become a Nazi haven't I?"
"Yes, Hans. Yes you have."
"Ah shit. From now on..I shall be an ex-Nazi!"

And from then on, he put Ex-Nazi on his CV? Wouldn't there be a glaring 6 year gap on the CV?

"So..1939 to 1945, what was going on?"
"Err...oh is that not on there? I do apologise, they should be there."
"Well what were you doing?"
"Err..Human Resources..in Berlin."

Harsh but...well just harsh probably. But I like it.

"Trust Me...

...I'm a doctor."

Well a random thought just hit me.

Did that phrase ever change when Harold Shipman was around?

"I can't trust you."
"You can! Trust me, I'm a doc- oh no. I know what it is. It's the fact I killed all those people isn't it?"

Yes Harold, yes it is. There's a joke in here somewhere but I am too tired to work out where.

Praying

Okay, I am most proud of this joke, which came to me as I walked past the church on my way home this evening. I could probably elaborate but I love its simplicity.

"I'm not saying religion is a bad thing, just that it confuses me, the blind faith of it all. Take for example, praying. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just that anything where you have to get on your knees to get the job done perhaps shouldn't be trusted. And then they expect YOU to give money to THEM after YOU were the one on YOUR knees? These churches have got it made..."

And that's it. And yes, I am most proud of myself for it.

Segregation - Cycling

Well this is a stupid routine I thought up on my walk home.

"Now people say that with the abolition, if you like, of apartheid, segregation is close to being eradicated once and for all. At least, we have nothing like that in Britain.

Now this of course, is complete bullshit as I am sure you know. Take for instance, a cycle path along a country lane. I walk on one to and from my house. Normally into town, I don't just do it for the sake of it. But there is a clear white line running down the path, dividing up walkers and cyclists.

Weirdly, every time I walk on it, I always stick to the walker side, even if there is nobody else around. Other walkers seem to do it too, even if we are fully aware a bike is nowhere near by. It's ridiculous. A line in the road and we stick to it, even though there is no real rule or any reason to stick to it if no cyclists are using it.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling rebellious, I will walk on the cyclists side but I always think for some reason someone will turn up and berate me for my walking on the wrong side. The cycle police if you will.

"Here! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm just walking home..."

"On the wrong side! That is for walkers, and this is for cyclists. Now sir, you do not appear to have a bike with you."

"What on earth are you on about? Have you met my girlfriend?"

A clever retort, I think you will agree, but sure to get me a slap.

(A mime of being slapped goes here...)

"How dare you, talk about your girlfriend in that way.."

Thus ends the routine.

See what I did there? You thought it was the girlfriend that slapped me but no! And that was what I came up with on my walk...well that and the post above which is a joke I was delighted to come up with...