This leads me on nicely to a recent story involving autoerotic asphyxiation. Or at least, police suspect it may be so. I’m not sure you’ll have heard it and if you haven’t then I’ll quickly outline it for you. Put simply a person who worked for MI6 was found dead in his flat. But not only that, they pondered that the deceased may well have died as a result of a sexual act known as autoerotic asphyxiation because he wasn’t just found dead. He was found dead in his flat. Within his flat he was within the bathroom. Within the bathroom he was in the bath. Within the bath he was in a sports bag. Now the reason, the police believe it may have been a sexual thing for this man, Gareth Williams, was because in this Russian doll-like mystery, he was actually naked within that sports bag. And that is what stops a murder investigation from perhaps being a murder investigation, because let’s face it, we have all fancied a cheeky wank within a sports bag when the moment arises. And by ‘moment’ I of course mean ‘penis.’
But I digress. The problem I have with this particular theory is that even if you were into being asphyxiated in what one might call an autoerotic way, I very much doubt you’d get fully naked, think the old orange and tie method is a bit too strange for you, and opt for your sports bag. Would you? In the defence of this belief though, maybe Mr. Williams didn’t have an orange or a tie to hand. He may have had the tie and when he then realised he was lacking the orange, opted to follow through with his pleasuring procedure as he couldn’t be bothered to go through with the whole rigmarole of putting his clothes back on, heading out to buy an orange and returning to the flat, only to undress once more. The want of that masturbation may have passed by then. And Gareth needed that orgasm now. Hence the sports bag.
But again, another query rears its ugly head from the recesses of my brain. Why would you clamber into the damn thing? Where’s the logic in that? Surely the whole idea of autoerotic asphyxiation is to starve yourself of air to the brain. So why not put your head in, zip around the neck and then commence? There’s just no logic to the idea of clambering in. This bloke worked for MI6 and he essentially thought that this was the best method of getting himself off? Really?
Let’s say for the sake of argument, Gareth Williams did think this. The zipping round the neck thing didn’t work for him because it reminded him too much of the feeling of a tie around his neck and he hadn’t yet go over his lack of an orange. That or he enjoyed a good ogle at himself as he did the deed. I don’t know. So let’s say for the sake of argument he does jump in the bag and zip it all the way up to maximise his chance of being asphyxiated. Fantastic. But then the question arises as to what exactly he plans to do once he reaches the point of climax. Where will it go? Williams is in a foetal position, in a sports bag and then what? He just covers himself in jizz? That’s got to ruin the mood hasn’t it? The brilliance of the orgasm marred by the complete disgust of what he has just done to himself. He’d have then had to find the zip to the bag, pull himself out and wash himself down; mentally reminding himself to was the bag before his next visit to the gym.
The problem with this whole autoerotic asphyxiation theory is the fact that the investigating police suggested this whole idea in the first place. It makes me wonder how good a detective might be lurking within me. For I have omitted a key detail which may help to better understand why Mr Williams may indeed have been murderer after all. The body was padlocked inside the bag.
Now, either this is a case of murder or Gareth Williams was a bit of a masturbation maverick. He saw himself as top of the game. So what he did was he entered the flat, about to fulfil his craftiest deed yet. He has worked himself down from suitcases to a single sports bag. This was it. He would undress himself and get inside the bag, zipping it up in the process. Perfect. He’d then reach through a torn panel of the bag and place a padlock around the zip. Great. He’d then carefully sew up the bag from the inside, swallow the needle and string in case he failed in his yet-to-be-explained-to-you-the-reader mission and didn’t want to be found in this most embarrassing way because anyone who is anyone would have jumped to the conclusion of autoerotic asphyxiation. I put it to you now, that in this position, the majestic Gareth Williams would then wank himself silly, ejaculate, attempt to undo the lock from the inside like a modern-day Houdini and once on the outside see if he had beaten his personal best for the speed of completion in this task.
So it’s either my theory or murder. The way that the British police seem to be working, I reckon my theory has the edge.
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Shakespeare
The following passage is something I wrote in an email the other day. I quite like the idea...
"I am not sure I could stand up for a Shakespeare play. They are rather long. I admire them, yes but I'm not captivated by him. I don't think I understand half of the words used. Or I do, he just has a very slow way of getting to the point. Probably because he had to write the dictionary to get his point across as he has apparently provided the English language with more words than anyone else. If he had to write the dictionary as he wrote a play, how did any of the audience ever know what was going on too? Or the cast. Nobody knew what was going on. I bet early performances came with a glossary. And even that came with a second glossary as he used fake words in the first glossary. And it carried on ad infinitum."
So there we go. Adios for now...
"I am not sure I could stand up for a Shakespeare play. They are rather long. I admire them, yes but I'm not captivated by him. I don't think I understand half of the words used. Or I do, he just has a very slow way of getting to the point. Probably because he had to write the dictionary to get his point across as he has apparently provided the English language with more words than anyone else. If he had to write the dictionary as he wrote a play, how did any of the audience ever know what was going on too? Or the cast. Nobody knew what was going on. I bet early performances came with a glossary. And even that came with a second glossary as he used fake words in the first glossary. And it carried on ad infinitum."
So there we go. Adios for now...
Sunday, 1 August 2010
To Enter or Not To Enter?
Yesterday afternoon, I had a conversation with my brother, where we mused about Britain's Got Talent. Or rather, I mused and he just listened as he smoked whatever it was he was smoking. It could have been a simple cigarette but between you, me and the whole Internet, I don't think it was.
Anyway it started with him asking me how my Edinburgh show is going and me answering it in some detail. As a result of this, I then got on to fantasising about becoming massive in comedy, before ultimately coming to terms with the idea that it wouldn't happen by me just sitting on a chair in the back garden. No, I clearly had to enter Britain's Got Talent.
During this chat with my brother, I complained to him that normal comedians never do very well on that show. It's not my brother's fault; his name is Simon but his surname isn't Cowell. the only comedic acts who go through are music-based and they are almost always one trick ponies, who impress when you first see them before then, in the semi-finals, you realise the novelty has worn off, despite the fact they asserted in the previous round that, "We'll keep surprising you, Simon. We've got more routines and surprises up our sleeves and we'll be better than ever." Simon Cowell always believes them. It's never true. Especially not if they get through to the final. Step forward Signature, the Michael Jackson tribute act thing, and that Father and Dad team who did the Cypriot/Greek dancing thing. I can't even remember their name. Either way, by the time the final comes along, we have already seen all of their routines. Shame. Stavros! Stavros Flatley! That was it. Proof that fat is funny for a good minute.
Either way, moving on. I then thought that maybe I should enter Britain's Got Talent? Try out some stand up comedy. In my mind, I'd sail through the subsequent rounds and perform for the Queen. I never get why performing for the Queen is what everyone on Britain's Got Talent seems to want to do. Rather than a decent career, performing for the Queen is your target? I can't verbalise that very well. But I hope you get my point. With some work, I thought I could focus on that for a routine to Simon, Piers and Amanda.
Then I realised that no. I did not want to do that. I think that if I went on Britain's Got Talent, I might head on by myself and stand at the microphone. I'd tell Simon that yes, this has always been my dream and performing for the Queen would be an honour. I'd then say I'm an impressionist. Prior to this round, I should say that before being put in front of the judges I'd just be a normal person and hope they like whatever fact act I come up with. Anyway, once in front of the judges the following would occur: "Take it away." Simon would say. A friend would then run on with a T-shirt emblazoned with 'Music Industry' on it. They'd bend over for me. I'd take out a Simon Cowell mask, put it on and act as though I was raping the shit out of it. My friend could even chuck money out of his hands as I was doing it. And I could catch the coins in mine. I expect my performance would be cut short after a couple of seconds, if that.
But God, it'd be worth it.
Anyway it started with him asking me how my Edinburgh show is going and me answering it in some detail. As a result of this, I then got on to fantasising about becoming massive in comedy, before ultimately coming to terms with the idea that it wouldn't happen by me just sitting on a chair in the back garden. No, I clearly had to enter Britain's Got Talent.
During this chat with my brother, I complained to him that normal comedians never do very well on that show. It's not my brother's fault; his name is Simon but his surname isn't Cowell. the only comedic acts who go through are music-based and they are almost always one trick ponies, who impress when you first see them before then, in the semi-finals, you realise the novelty has worn off, despite the fact they asserted in the previous round that, "We'll keep surprising you, Simon. We've got more routines and surprises up our sleeves and we'll be better than ever." Simon Cowell always believes them. It's never true. Especially not if they get through to the final. Step forward Signature, the Michael Jackson tribute act thing, and that Father and Dad team who did the Cypriot/Greek dancing thing. I can't even remember their name. Either way, by the time the final comes along, we have already seen all of their routines. Shame. Stavros! Stavros Flatley! That was it. Proof that fat is funny for a good minute.
Either way, moving on. I then thought that maybe I should enter Britain's Got Talent? Try out some stand up comedy. In my mind, I'd sail through the subsequent rounds and perform for the Queen. I never get why performing for the Queen is what everyone on Britain's Got Talent seems to want to do. Rather than a decent career, performing for the Queen is your target? I can't verbalise that very well. But I hope you get my point. With some work, I thought I could focus on that for a routine to Simon, Piers and Amanda.
Then I realised that no. I did not want to do that. I think that if I went on Britain's Got Talent, I might head on by myself and stand at the microphone. I'd tell Simon that yes, this has always been my dream and performing for the Queen would be an honour. I'd then say I'm an impressionist. Prior to this round, I should say that before being put in front of the judges I'd just be a normal person and hope they like whatever fact act I come up with. Anyway, once in front of the judges the following would occur: "Take it away." Simon would say. A friend would then run on with a T-shirt emblazoned with 'Music Industry' on it. They'd bend over for me. I'd take out a Simon Cowell mask, put it on and act as though I was raping the shit out of it. My friend could even chuck money out of his hands as I was doing it. And I could catch the coins in mine. I expect my performance would be cut short after a couple of seconds, if that.
But God, it'd be worth it.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Dear HP Computers...
I just sent this email to HP. I hope they solve my laptop issue.
Subject: Webcam Problem
Hi to whomever happens to be in control of the help@HP email address,
I do hope you are well. I, as it happens, am not well. In terms of health, I was absolutely fine. And then my laptop, made by you guys, really started to play up and my stress levels went through the roof. I would send you the bill, but here in the UK we have the NHS so you are getting off lightly.
Put simply, where has my disc drive gone? I don't mean in the physical sense of the word because I can see it. It's there in front of me now. Just sitting there, waiting to be used. The problem is it can't actually be used because my precious HP Pavilion dv9000 laptop doesn't seem to realise the disc drive is there waiting to be used. I don't know where it thinks it has gone but it certainly doesn't think it exists. I put a disc in it. It made the whole whirring sound and then gave up. I sighed. I wasn't expecting it to work because it hasn't worked for months anyway. I just thought I'd give you a bit of back story before I talk about the thing that is really annoying me.
You know that service you can use? That does the free internet video calls? Skype? Do you use it? Because I used to before my laptop decided it didn't have a microphone integrated into it. Luckily, I still had a webcam that could send images to my friend! Except, I didn't did I? Because my laptop deleted that too. Hence the 'Webcam Problem' title I chose for the subject of this email. Except it's not really a problem because according to my HP laptop, this webcam doesn't exist. Deep. Quite the product you created here, HP. This whole webcam problem didn't bother me at first though though because unlike seemingly a lot of people who probably contact you, I know that Google (sorry to mention a different brand name in this email) exists and many computer geeks help solve others computer problems on various forums on the Internet. Fantastic.
After a bit of 'googling', it transpired that all I had to do was go into my Control Panel, go into Device Manager and have a look at Imaging Devices. From there I could install some new driver software for the webcam or update it as I saw fit. If you could do that now on whatever machine you use, that'd be great. Did you find it? Under imaging devices? Then I can only assume that you aren't using an HP product. If you are, you certainly aren't using the HP Pavilion dv9000 because my personal HP Pavilion dv9000 has no imaging devices section. It doesn't think the webcam exists. Strange, considering I can see it right in front of me. Integrated into the laptop.
Fair enough, I thought. Fair enough. I shall visit the HP website, do some voodoo magic and see if I can't get this baby up and running again. I did as the HP website said I should do if my webcam disappears upon upgrading to Windows Vista Service Pack 2. Go to imaging devices and...hey! Hang on a second! There is no imaging devices! and your website offers no support for that particular problem. So I did a bit more googling. What a company they are. They helped me in my hour of need. I discovered from a website that I could install an Acer driver for the webcam which would get it working again. The person who provided this advice was an HP user so it seemed like nothing could go wrong. I did as he explained. Installed it, the laptop restarted, I checked Device Manager and THERE IT WAS. Imaging Devices. Like manna from Heaven. I updated my Twitter status in delight! My HP webcam was working! I then updated Facebook too. Boy, how I celebrated. I should really stop mentioning brand names. Apologies again. Very odd though, considering your product told me this video device didn't exist mere minutes earlier.
I loaded up the webcam and there I was. In colour! I looked outrageously stressed (remember, the medical thing earlier) but ultimately relieved. I had fixed my webcam. Now to share this in the only way I knew how. Use the 'cam' on the 'web'. Hello Skype! (Again I am sorry to mention a different brand. I should have apologised for mentioning their name earlier. Please forgive me.) I launched Skype. And then... nothing. Quite literally in nothing in fact. My screen turned black. That was it. Boom. The laptop was done. Now, being an HP user yourself, you probably know this can happen from time to time. The laptop struggles with realising it doesn't have a CD drive or, in this case I suspect, gets excited at finding the webcam again. Not a problem. I wait. Sometime it decides the screen can work again. Not this time though. The Quickplay lights were still on but alas, the screen was done for. So I turn it off.
I wait for a few seconds because that always helps. But I'm afraid this tale doesn't have a happy ending. Waiting a few seconds didn't help at all. In fact, it merely delayed my misery and disappointment in your product once more. Eventually the laptop loaded. I typed in my password and wasn't that bothered at all because hey, I still had my webcam. But like a Father just getting used to having a child, I wanted to check on my baby. So I went to check Imaging Devices. Imaging Devices didn't exist. My webcam was dead. It was gone. Again. This happened about twenty minutes ago now and, to tell you the truth, I still haven't got over the loss. It would be easier to get over if the laptop would at least be honest with me and remove the physical part of the webcam. But no. It says it doesn't exist. It did exist. It does exist. I can see it now, and the memories I shared with it. That final blue flicker. The way it lit me up that one last time before your product self destructed and decided the consumer had no need for it's services.
Well I do have need for it's services. I'm not asking for a miracle. At least, I don't think I am. I am simply reaching out to you in my time of need. Where the hell does the Imaging Devices and webcam disappear to? I'd really appreciate it if you could give the gift of life back to my little integrated webcam. We shared some great times together and in my heart, I hope there are still more great times to come. In all seriousness though, I am not sure that is hope I am feeling in my heart but stress. Stress riding on a wave of anger, annoyance and disbelief at HP and their laptop model by the name of the Pavilion dv9000. In particular, the one I own.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you smiled or laughed at any part of this email, remember schadenfreude exists and that you are taking pleasure from my suffering. I am simply glad that my webcam didn't live to sense that this has occurred. I'd love for it to live a little longer in the future though so if you could sort out my problem, that'd be great.
Kind regards,
Henry Fosdike
Subject: Webcam Problem
Hi to whomever happens to be in control of the help@HP email address,
I do hope you are well. I, as it happens, am not well. In terms of health, I was absolutely fine. And then my laptop, made by you guys, really started to play up and my stress levels went through the roof. I would send you the bill, but here in the UK we have the NHS so you are getting off lightly.
Put simply, where has my disc drive gone? I don't mean in the physical sense of the word because I can see it. It's there in front of me now. Just sitting there, waiting to be used. The problem is it can't actually be used because my precious HP Pavilion dv9000 laptop doesn't seem to realise the disc drive is there waiting to be used. I don't know where it thinks it has gone but it certainly doesn't think it exists. I put a disc in it. It made the whole whirring sound and then gave up. I sighed. I wasn't expecting it to work because it hasn't worked for months anyway. I just thought I'd give you a bit of back story before I talk about the thing that is really annoying me.
You know that service you can use? That does the free internet video calls? Skype? Do you use it? Because I used to before my laptop decided it didn't have a microphone integrated into it. Luckily, I still had a webcam that could send images to my friend! Except, I didn't did I? Because my laptop deleted that too. Hence the 'Webcam Problem' title I chose for the subject of this email. Except it's not really a problem because according to my HP laptop, this webcam doesn't exist. Deep. Quite the product you created here, HP. This whole webcam problem didn't bother me at first though though because unlike seemingly a lot of people who probably contact you, I know that Google (sorry to mention a different brand name in this email) exists and many computer geeks help solve others computer problems on various forums on the Internet. Fantastic.
After a bit of 'googling', it transpired that all I had to do was go into my Control Panel, go into Device Manager and have a look at Imaging Devices. From there I could install some new driver software for the webcam or update it as I saw fit. If you could do that now on whatever machine you use, that'd be great. Did you find it? Under imaging devices? Then I can only assume that you aren't using an HP product. If you are, you certainly aren't using the HP Pavilion dv9000 because my personal HP Pavilion dv9000 has no imaging devices section. It doesn't think the webcam exists. Strange, considering I can see it right in front of me. Integrated into the laptop.
Fair enough, I thought. Fair enough. I shall visit the HP website, do some voodoo magic and see if I can't get this baby up and running again. I did as the HP website said I should do if my webcam disappears upon upgrading to Windows Vista Service Pack 2. Go to imaging devices and...hey! Hang on a second! There is no imaging devices! and your website offers no support for that particular problem. So I did a bit more googling. What a company they are. They helped me in my hour of need. I discovered from a website that I could install an Acer driver for the webcam which would get it working again. The person who provided this advice was an HP user so it seemed like nothing could go wrong. I did as he explained. Installed it, the laptop restarted, I checked Device Manager and THERE IT WAS. Imaging Devices. Like manna from Heaven. I updated my Twitter status in delight! My HP webcam was working! I then updated Facebook too. Boy, how I celebrated. I should really stop mentioning brand names. Apologies again. Very odd though, considering your product told me this video device didn't exist mere minutes earlier.
I loaded up the webcam and there I was. In colour! I looked outrageously stressed (remember, the medical thing earlier) but ultimately relieved. I had fixed my webcam. Now to share this in the only way I knew how. Use the 'cam' on the 'web'. Hello Skype! (Again I am sorry to mention a different brand. I should have apologised for mentioning their name earlier. Please forgive me.) I launched Skype. And then... nothing. Quite literally in nothing in fact. My screen turned black. That was it. Boom. The laptop was done. Now, being an HP user yourself, you probably know this can happen from time to time. The laptop struggles with realising it doesn't have a CD drive or, in this case I suspect, gets excited at finding the webcam again. Not a problem. I wait. Sometime it decides the screen can work again. Not this time though. The Quickplay lights were still on but alas, the screen was done for. So I turn it off.
I wait for a few seconds because that always helps. But I'm afraid this tale doesn't have a happy ending. Waiting a few seconds didn't help at all. In fact, it merely delayed my misery and disappointment in your product once more. Eventually the laptop loaded. I typed in my password and wasn't that bothered at all because hey, I still had my webcam. But like a Father just getting used to having a child, I wanted to check on my baby. So I went to check Imaging Devices. Imaging Devices didn't exist. My webcam was dead. It was gone. Again. This happened about twenty minutes ago now and, to tell you the truth, I still haven't got over the loss. It would be easier to get over if the laptop would at least be honest with me and remove the physical part of the webcam. But no. It says it doesn't exist. It did exist. It does exist. I can see it now, and the memories I shared with it. That final blue flicker. The way it lit me up that one last time before your product self destructed and decided the consumer had no need for it's services.
Well I do have need for it's services. I'm not asking for a miracle. At least, I don't think I am. I am simply reaching out to you in my time of need. Where the hell does the Imaging Devices and webcam disappear to? I'd really appreciate it if you could give the gift of life back to my little integrated webcam. We shared some great times together and in my heart, I hope there are still more great times to come. In all seriousness though, I am not sure that is hope I am feeling in my heart but stress. Stress riding on a wave of anger, annoyance and disbelief at HP and their laptop model by the name of the Pavilion dv9000. In particular, the one I own.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and if you smiled or laughed at any part of this email, remember schadenfreude exists and that you are taking pleasure from my suffering. I am simply glad that my webcam didn't live to sense that this has occurred. I'd love for it to live a little longer in the future though so if you could sort out my problem, that'd be great.
Kind regards,
Henry Fosdike
Space
For the past few days I have been unable to avoid space conversations. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I am in my own version of The Truman Show and the producers are trying to subconsciously tell me something. Either way, in the past five days, not including today, the subject has cropped up on no less than four occasions. Add in the fact I'm rocking and rolling with a script idea about time travel and physics and the possibility thereof, I am quite frankly filled with facts on space.
It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.
Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.
Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.
My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.
As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.
Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.
From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."
I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.
Over and out.
It all started on Sunday, when I caught Chris Addison talking on Something for the Weekend about the 1969 Moon landing. He said he was pretty pissed off with people claiming they weren't real. Fair enough. Sunday evening and the subject cropped up again. Again about the 1969 Moon landing and the debate between friends on whether they occurred or not. I argued it would be pointless to fake.
Funnily enough, my thought process came to fruition in the form of Mitchell and Webb's latest sketch on space in their sketch show on Tuesday night. Then last night, my brother and I spoke about space for some reason. So that's the background story. Sheesh, it's probably going to be longer than the actual point of the post. Either way this is my basic question, after thinking long and hard about space.
Why? Why do it? What's the point? I can understand whacking rockets out in the 60's and 70's but we've put the satellites there now. That'll do. I'm content. My phone works. As does the TV. You can stop. I'm suitably impressed and suitably happy. Well done science. Now let's focus on something else. I get that there are stars out there. I get that there are loads of stars out there. I get that we know fuck all about most of them. But that's okay. I don't mind knowing fuck all about most of them because they don't affect my life in any way. Chances are, they never will. I'll admit that telescopes can be useful to watch them and make sure nothing comes straight for us. But everything else? Let's just stop and spend the money on something else.
My friend the other day, let's call him Mike as that is his name, he told another friend that there is no point in landing on the moon again. We've done it. So he delighted in telling me we had gone to Mars instead. "Why?" I asked. "Because," He said with excitement in his eyes, "There is a very high probability that there is water on Mars." I fail to see how this can excite anyway. Give a shit. There's water here. If it's water NASA are looking for, then they should come to me. I know loads of places to find it. I know, I know. But it could show that life is possible on Mars! Well, why bother finding evidence of water? Why not just whack a robot up there with a tub of ice, or a ice cream box full of water? Dump it there and let's go. Return in ten years and see what's going on. Even then, I wouldn't advise to talk with whoever happens to be there on our return.
As well as attempting to fraternise with aliens we may discover on Mars in future, the whole space programme are currently going one step further and broadcasting to any alien life that happen to be out there. I believe contained within a small capsule are also basic drawings of what we look like. A hand drawn diagram of a man and a hand drawn diagram of a woman. And then probably a hand drawn diagram of Stephen Hawking. Drawn by Stephen himself. I tell a lie. Stephen's no artist. I think some sums and basic history are on there too. So that when aliens come across it they go, 'Ah that's cool. Let's visit them.' Oh did I forget to mention, we have the co-ordinates of where exactly Earth is on this piece of paper. It's probably more advanced that paper but either way, whatever this thing is has our details on it. So when aliens find it they can turn up. Thing is, I don't think we should probably be looking for aliens. Because if aliens find us first, they are probably cleverer than us and more advanced. And the human race has proved that when you're more advanced than someone else there is only one thing to do. Kill it.
Luckily for us though, aliens haven't yet done that. There are two reasons for this. Three if you count them not existing at all, which is a tad short-sighted when you consider there are billions and billions of stars, each surrounded by rocks otherwise known as planets. Chances are one will be like Earth, right? That's just basic probability. So really there are only two reasons that we have not yet been destroyed by aliens. And it's mainly down to their mode of transport.
From what I can gather aliens are pretty advanced species. We've seen their UFO's in the sky on how many photo's? Loads. We've also heard eye-witness accounts from a bunch of people too. When they happen to be out in the woods and see the alien, or when they were flying for the US Air force. Thing is, we have never made contact with these aliens in the vicinity of Earth, so they probably live pretty far away. This means they have come one hell of a distance to find us, with technology beyond our wildest dreams. And yet they have two problems from what I can gather. Despite finding us in amongst all the other planets, having travelled light years to be with us, they are either shy, or they forgot to put brakes on their ship. They either never land or they crash land. There's no in between from these folk. It's like they built their space ships with ten Stephen Hawking's, then decided a competition winner should drive it. Either that or they find us, look down and realise we probably weren't worth the effort. Imagine the disappointment on that ship. They presumably see our planet and vocalise their problem. "Haha! Look at that! they still use water! Mental... Even Mars doesn't use water any more."
I've basically assumed we are so worthless in the whole Universe that we just aren't even worth invading. We are kind of like the Electric Light Company in Monopoly. It seems like it's worth it but in hindsight, you should have just kept your money and stayed at home. Either that or we are so poor that we are a tourist attraction for passing alien races, to look down at the idiots of Earth. "And down there is Earth. they still think you need bacteria for life to exist and evolve." And oh, how the spaceship does laugh.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. If you didn't, I am sorry for wasting your time as we hurtle through space on this planet going nowhere in particular. So why not kill some of that time spent going nowhere in particular by seeing the show I have written and am in called Charm//Offensive at the Newsroom from 15th-23rd August at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Admission is free. And you may get a gift too. It'll be a sketch-show based riot from quarter past midnight to 1am every night. Do it. You know you want to.
Over and out.
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Dear J D Wetherspoon...
Hello customer service team,
I hope you are all having a good day. I am writing to simply enquire why on Earth the Mary Shelley pub in Bournemouth has a 'no trainers' policy on a Saturday night. It's extremely odd considering it is essentially just a pub. The Moon in the Square nearby doesn't have this policy and neither does the Christopher Creeke. In fact, neither do any of the other clubs nearby who I would perhaps expect to have a 'no trainers' policy. So why do you? It makes very little sense in my opinion and this is for three rather brilliant reasons.
The first is that trainers actually have more grip on those slippery floors. If you're a pub then you shouldn't really have a slippery floor anyway but many clubs do. If you are a club then surely wearing trainers is fantastic for health and safety. You can thank me when you change your policy and thus prevent any unfortunate hospital related incidents.
The second reason is that many people around us were wearing what can only be described as a millennium shell suit. A kind of 2010 version of its 1980's predecessor. Hoodies were worn as well but because they wore some fairly nice shoes they were allowed in. So if this is an image thing, which I think it probably is, why did the bouncers let these people in? Very odd.
My third and final reason is probably the best reason of all. You know when you walk into an establishment, say a shop or a hospital or even a pub like in this case, and instantly look to the floor making sure to take in what everyone is wearing on their feet? No? Yeah, neither do I or anyone I know. I can honestly say that upon entering a pub or club I have never taken note of what anybody is wearing on their feet. This is because the bar isn't at foot level but eye level. Why would anyone look around at what is on people's feet? It's the most ridiculous rule I've ever heard in my life. If I did look at the footwear of everybody else in any given establishment, I very much doubt I'd freak out over a pair of trainers either. My reaction would probably be 'fair enough'. I think 99% of people would have this reaction as well so why do you even enforce this policy?
I look forward to hearing your feedback on all three of my reasons for removing this rule. If you can suggest a decent comeback for all three of my points then fair enough but remember if you contest the first reason then you are essentially saying you don't care about the health and safety of your customers. Don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
That is all for now. Don't even get me started on the differing prices for sausages, chips and beans around the country...
Kind regards,
Henry Fosdike
I hope you are all having a good day. I am writing to simply enquire why on Earth the Mary Shelley pub in Bournemouth has a 'no trainers' policy on a Saturday night. It's extremely odd considering it is essentially just a pub. The Moon in the Square nearby doesn't have this policy and neither does the Christopher Creeke. In fact, neither do any of the other clubs nearby who I would perhaps expect to have a 'no trainers' policy. So why do you? It makes very little sense in my opinion and this is for three rather brilliant reasons.
The first is that trainers actually have more grip on those slippery floors. If you're a pub then you shouldn't really have a slippery floor anyway but many clubs do. If you are a club then surely wearing trainers is fantastic for health and safety. You can thank me when you change your policy and thus prevent any unfortunate hospital related incidents.
The second reason is that many people around us were wearing what can only be described as a millennium shell suit. A kind of 2010 version of its 1980's predecessor. Hoodies were worn as well but because they wore some fairly nice shoes they were allowed in. So if this is an image thing, which I think it probably is, why did the bouncers let these people in? Very odd.
My third and final reason is probably the best reason of all. You know when you walk into an establishment, say a shop or a hospital or even a pub like in this case, and instantly look to the floor making sure to take in what everyone is wearing on their feet? No? Yeah, neither do I or anyone I know. I can honestly say that upon entering a pub or club I have never taken note of what anybody is wearing on their feet. This is because the bar isn't at foot level but eye level. Why would anyone look around at what is on people's feet? It's the most ridiculous rule I've ever heard in my life. If I did look at the footwear of everybody else in any given establishment, I very much doubt I'd freak out over a pair of trainers either. My reaction would probably be 'fair enough'. I think 99% of people would have this reaction as well so why do you even enforce this policy?
I look forward to hearing your feedback on all three of my reasons for removing this rule. If you can suggest a decent comeback for all three of my points then fair enough but remember if you contest the first reason then you are essentially saying you don't care about the health and safety of your customers. Don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
That is all for now. Don't even get me started on the differing prices for sausages, chips and beans around the country...
Kind regards,
Henry Fosdike
Saturday, 3 July 2010
iCash
Steve Jobs is halfway through an Apple keynote conference.
“Well, we have shown you the new iPod touch, the new iPhone and the new iPad. “What else is there?” I hear you ask. Well, that’s right, I am now going to show you the completely revamped and redesigned Apple iTunes store. “In what ways has it changed?” I hear you ask. Well aside from the obvious aesthetic change which you see before you, you may also have noticed a different constant throughout the page. If you can’t see it then look a little closer at the price of the products. It’s not a dollar symbol or a pound sign if you are within the United Kingdom. No, this is a completely new currency which Apple has developed. I give you iCash.
iCash is the currency which will now be using at the Apple iTunes store. It is safer, more secure and easier to understand than any other currency on the market. What’s more, it is a virtual currency, so any fraud that takes place online, stays online. We at Apple value your custom and as such make sure that real money stays in the real world. Think about it. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you crashed a plane in the virtual world on a Flight Simulator and a number of lives were lost, you wouldn’t want that to also apply in the real world, would you? No. Well Apple are doing the same thing with money. We are keeping the real world and virtual world separate with iCash.
“So how exactly does iCash work?” I’m sensing a few of you have that question in your minds right now, so I shall answer it. It’s all very straightforward. You sign up to Apple with your real life bank account, like any other store. You then purchase iCash in the form of credits. One dollar will give you 10 iCash credits. These can then be used to purchase any item in the Apple iTunes store. Prices start at 10 credits for a popular song or application, like Angry Birds for example, right through to whatever is the most expensive application at the moment. You choose the amount of real life money to change into iCash and the store will calculate the rest. After you spend 100 credits, you get 1 credit back, to use again on the store. Simply, we are rewarding the loyal Apple customers with iCashback and this revolutionary new secure form of payment. iCash. It’s the future.
It will of course soon be possible to use iCash in any real life Apple store as well. For a small fee of 10 iCash credits, we will allow you to transfer your iCash from the store to any Apple product such as the iPhone, iPod touch or iPad. This can then be scanned at the Apple store as payment for your new Apple purchase be it an iMac or an Apple TV. Once iCash becomes the main form of payment within just one Apple store, we will support what the customers clearly want and change every store to only accept iCash at the stores.
iCash will help us progress as a company and hopefully you can see the benefits of this new system. It is our intention that as iCash is used more and more often, we will build not just Apple stores but an Apple bank, the iBank, which it will soon be necessary to have an account with, in order to continue to buy anything from Apple, be it a song or a Macbook. We then hope to create an iVillage showcasing all the latest uses of Apple technology. iCash will then help to expand this iVillage into an iTown and then a city. We have already entered into an agreement with a country from the third world to bring it into the first world and amongst the Apple family. This is my next big announcement today ladies and gentlemen, Apple are now the proud owners of the capital city of Turkey. We call it iStanbul and Apple iCash will be the only form of currency accepted in the city once we witness a need from the customers. This loyal fan base will again benefit from our company’s promise to listen to their views and when just one iStanbul resident requests the change, we will make it happen.
Over time, we hope that iStanbul will prosper and it is our belief that the benefits of iCash will help the rest of Turkey join the scheme. We will then look at other cities around the globe to join the Apple family and make it a truly wonderful place which the whole world can enjoy. After iStanbul, we hope that next year we will be able to announce that iCash is now accepted not just in Turkey but also in iOwa City in the US, iBiza in Spain, iWo Jima in Japan and hopefully Manchester in England will agree to be renamed MacChester, but we do not currently have confirmation of that just yet. Following perceived successes in the areas, iCash will spread out into these countries, thus becoming the primary currency in five different countries.
At this point we will move the iCity regime as we have called it, from beta testing into full working order and change not just a single city’s currency, but switch a whole country to iCash with the start of the iCountry scheme. iRaq, iRan, iVory Coast and iTaly in Europe are all within our sights. With iRan and iRaq in particular, we hope that the use of iCash will help solve any current disputes that happen to be ongoing as of this moment in time. It is Apple’s belief that iCash can do this as long as all countries agree to get involved and hopefully iCash will then take over from the unstable dollar, pound and euro as the world’s premier currency. We will of course discuss iCash further at the next Apple keynote but to put it in a nutshell for everyone, iCash is simply Apple’s way of thanking the loyal fan base that have supported us for so many years, by offering them a faster and more user friendly experience in this post-recession world.
So that’s iCash. An apple thank-you. Your money. Our way.”
“Well, we have shown you the new iPod touch, the new iPhone and the new iPad. “What else is there?” I hear you ask. Well, that’s right, I am now going to show you the completely revamped and redesigned Apple iTunes store. “In what ways has it changed?” I hear you ask. Well aside from the obvious aesthetic change which you see before you, you may also have noticed a different constant throughout the page. If you can’t see it then look a little closer at the price of the products. It’s not a dollar symbol or a pound sign if you are within the United Kingdom. No, this is a completely new currency which Apple has developed. I give you iCash.
iCash is the currency which will now be using at the Apple iTunes store. It is safer, more secure and easier to understand than any other currency on the market. What’s more, it is a virtual currency, so any fraud that takes place online, stays online. We at Apple value your custom and as such make sure that real money stays in the real world. Think about it. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you crashed a plane in the virtual world on a Flight Simulator and a number of lives were lost, you wouldn’t want that to also apply in the real world, would you? No. Well Apple are doing the same thing with money. We are keeping the real world and virtual world separate with iCash.
“So how exactly does iCash work?” I’m sensing a few of you have that question in your minds right now, so I shall answer it. It’s all very straightforward. You sign up to Apple with your real life bank account, like any other store. You then purchase iCash in the form of credits. One dollar will give you 10 iCash credits. These can then be used to purchase any item in the Apple iTunes store. Prices start at 10 credits for a popular song or application, like Angry Birds for example, right through to whatever is the most expensive application at the moment. You choose the amount of real life money to change into iCash and the store will calculate the rest. After you spend 100 credits, you get 1 credit back, to use again on the store. Simply, we are rewarding the loyal Apple customers with iCashback and this revolutionary new secure form of payment. iCash. It’s the future.
It will of course soon be possible to use iCash in any real life Apple store as well. For a small fee of 10 iCash credits, we will allow you to transfer your iCash from the store to any Apple product such as the iPhone, iPod touch or iPad. This can then be scanned at the Apple store as payment for your new Apple purchase be it an iMac or an Apple TV. Once iCash becomes the main form of payment within just one Apple store, we will support what the customers clearly want and change every store to only accept iCash at the stores.
iCash will help us progress as a company and hopefully you can see the benefits of this new system. It is our intention that as iCash is used more and more often, we will build not just Apple stores but an Apple bank, the iBank, which it will soon be necessary to have an account with, in order to continue to buy anything from Apple, be it a song or a Macbook. We then hope to create an iVillage showcasing all the latest uses of Apple technology. iCash will then help to expand this iVillage into an iTown and then a city. We have already entered into an agreement with a country from the third world to bring it into the first world and amongst the Apple family. This is my next big announcement today ladies and gentlemen, Apple are now the proud owners of the capital city of Turkey. We call it iStanbul and Apple iCash will be the only form of currency accepted in the city once we witness a need from the customers. This loyal fan base will again benefit from our company’s promise to listen to their views and when just one iStanbul resident requests the change, we will make it happen.
Over time, we hope that iStanbul will prosper and it is our belief that the benefits of iCash will help the rest of Turkey join the scheme. We will then look at other cities around the globe to join the Apple family and make it a truly wonderful place which the whole world can enjoy. After iStanbul, we hope that next year we will be able to announce that iCash is now accepted not just in Turkey but also in iOwa City in the US, iBiza in Spain, iWo Jima in Japan and hopefully Manchester in England will agree to be renamed MacChester, but we do not currently have confirmation of that just yet. Following perceived successes in the areas, iCash will spread out into these countries, thus becoming the primary currency in five different countries.
At this point we will move the iCity regime as we have called it, from beta testing into full working order and change not just a single city’s currency, but switch a whole country to iCash with the start of the iCountry scheme. iRaq, iRan, iVory Coast and iTaly in Europe are all within our sights. With iRan and iRaq in particular, we hope that the use of iCash will help solve any current disputes that happen to be ongoing as of this moment in time. It is Apple’s belief that iCash can do this as long as all countries agree to get involved and hopefully iCash will then take over from the unstable dollar, pound and euro as the world’s premier currency. We will of course discuss iCash further at the next Apple keynote but to put it in a nutshell for everyone, iCash is simply Apple’s way of thanking the loyal fan base that have supported us for so many years, by offering them a faster and more user friendly experience in this post-recession world.
So that’s iCash. An apple thank-you. Your money. Our way.”
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