The Winter Collection

Here's something I have been meaning to blog for a while.

'The winter collection'.

'The winter collection' is something I generally attribute to things like furniture - "It's part of our Winter collection" or clothes - "This beautiful sleek silver dress is part of our Winter collection." hat I would not attribute a phrase like Winter collection to, is something which I have found it printed upon.

Are you ready for this? Toilet roll. That's middle class if you're wondering. the working class call is bog roll, the upper classes maybe toilet paper and the full on royalty are the only ones who call it by what it says on the packet - toilet tissue. "It's like tissue for the nose, but for the rectal passage, Charles." "Wow, Camilla, we can now dispense with young Jennings and his bare hand. How marvellous."

Anyway, yes, Andrex have released their seasonal toilet paper, sorry, toilet tissue, and they have called it 'The Winter Collection'. What makes it a part of 'The Winter collection' I presume, are the snowflakes that are printed upon every sheet. Now I appreciate this new design, right up until I wipe my shit-stained ass with it.

So really Andrex, next time you're planning on releasing 'The Spring collection' with lambs prancing all over it, I urge you, if only to save some money, to reconsider.

Harsh Joke

Here's a harsh joke I came up with earlier, regarding the man who is to be executed in China in...well, less than 24 hours time.

"Akmal Shaikh is apparently 'very upset' about being told he is to be executed tomorrow morning. That's got to be understatement of the year. Shame he won't be around long enough to find out..."

It's probably the harshest thing I have ever written...hmm.

Tiger Woods

So Tiger Woods has got himself into a bit of a kerfuffle seemingly. And now he is taking a break from golf as a result of his infidelity. I wonder what he'll do with all that free time on his hands now? Hmm...

But it has got me thinking, since he won't be playing golf next year, what will the annual Tiger Woods game be like for the PS3, Wii, 360, etc? Presumably you'll get to play the role of Woods as usual, but it'll turn a bit like Grand Theft Auto. Smashing your car into trees, attack with golf clubs and obviously cruising for hookers.

Sounds like a best seller to me.

Benches

Well here's a joke I've had stored a way for a while...and I was reminded of it last night. So before I forget it, I feel I should post it up.

"So...benches are interesting I think. Often in weird locations and you wonder why someone would ever want to stare at a main road. But quite often, and I'm sure you've noticed this, they have a little memorial plaque to a loved one. Something saying, 'For Edgar Westwick, who loved this spot. 1932-2004' And some people think, 'Ah well that's nice.' But not me. How dare they. HOW DARE THEY! You didn't love him at all, did you? He may have loved that spot so what have you gone and done? You've gone and put a fucking bench there and ruined it.

What a disgrace. He must be rolling around in his grave."

And there we go.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I often wonder where my topics come from. Like today...

I thought about the word 'cum' - why is it spelt differently to come? Who first spelt that differently...wait! Why is it called cum? Because you ..come...or have came..who first said they came?!

"I've come"
"You've what?"

Ferrero Rocher

Ferrero Rocher.

The pinnacle of chocolate. The poshest chocolate. Forget the gorgeous Galaxy. Forget the luscious Lindt. Ferrero Rocher is the undisputed King of Posh Chocolate.

The best bit?

It's made in Watford. 'Nuff said.

Ex-Nazi

It's a cruel place to get comedy from, but I shall try anyway!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8364447.stm

The headline reads - 'Ex-Nazi' charged with 58 murders.

Now...how does one go about becoming an Ex-Nazi? Is it the moment Hitler died, he went, "I guess that's that, then." And hung up his cap.

Or is as he was at a holocaust camp and was suddenly tapped on the shoulder.

"Err, Hans (no stereotypical names with me), what are you doing?"
"Oh shit...I've...I've become a Nazi haven't I?"
"Yes, Hans. Yes you have."
"Ah shit. From now on..I shall be an ex-Nazi!"

And from then on, he put Ex-Nazi on his CV? Wouldn't there be a glaring 6 year gap on the CV?

"So..1939 to 1945, what was going on?"
"Err...oh is that not on there? I do apologise, they should be there."
"Well what were you doing?"
"Err..Human Resources..in Berlin."

Harsh but...well just harsh probably. But I like it.