Offensive? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

I don't know if anyone else thinks this but I think you may start thinking it now if you never have before.

Basically, I often watch the news and quite often, far more often than there should really be, there is a story about rape and I think, 'Oh that's pretty bad.' And then they show a picture of the victim of the rape and my thought process changes to '...really?'

More often than not, the victim of the rape really isn't that fantastic looking which completely confuses me. If you were going to rape, and I don't advise you do, you may as well go out on a high. But most of the time I sit there questioning who the hell would rape...that.

I know it sounds harsh, and that's because it is. But then life is harsh. And that's the beauty of it.

So from my investigations, what I can gather is basically if you do not want to be raped, make yourself look stunning and out of the rapist's league. Since they clearly have leagues and it seems to stop at Conference level.

I wonder...

Here's a query.

Do Kate and Gerry McCann still play Cluedo?

Essays to Suicide Bombers

Let's see what I come out with here.

'Hi.

So I'm a student. Are you all students? Yeah? Anyone got any deadlines looming? Yeah? And yet you thought you'd waste a night coming here. Nice plan, dude. I mean...it's only three and a half grand we're wasting.

A YEAR.

Well...I only ask because I'm here when I have an essay deadline looming. It's five days away but I think that's okay. Would everyone agree with me that that's okay? Yeah. Five hours and then you may question it. But five days is fine.

God did some amazing work in five days. I mean some of it's shoddy, let's not lie. France was a particularly bad idea. And putting Germany next to Poland on the map. I mean, he's meant to be all knowing so surely he knew what was going to happen there. When you think about it, God didn't really think it through. He put all the close rivals next to each other on the global map. What a tool. I mean putting Palestine next to Israel was just asking for trouble. We know what they're like.

I think it's hard for us as a nation to understand what is going on in Palestine and Israel. My friend once tried to put it into context by saying with a shake of his head, 'Suicide bombers. They're fucking everywhere.' Well...no they're not. I mean they are there but not for long. So, I'm not really sure if they are a set group of people really.

But I think it'd be weird if we had suicide bombers in the UK because the way I see it, the UK just wouldn't care.

'What's happened sorry? He's blown himself up? Well what did he do that for? It's not like the train's never going to arrive, it's just a few minutes late.'

Well, I feel I have procrastinated from my essay enough and I have no idea how I got onto talking about suicide bombers after intending to write about essays as I am stuck on one as I type. But there we go.

Controversial - School Shootings

Today I came up with a stand up skit which I think is just plain controversial. Possibly offensive. Well, almost certainly offensive. I'm not really sure.

Simply put, I was thinking about that Silent Witness episode a week and a bit ago, where there is a uni shooting and how odd it was that only the shooters knew their way around the uni perfectly, when even the Dean and Leo had differing on opinions on how to get from place to place.

So...my magic mind conjured up a humorous alternative look at the thought process of the shooters and it concludes with a mime and belief process that the characters in fact only wanted to kill one person during their school massacre, and they then tried to run away but got lost on their escape.

Realising they can't find the exit, they shoot every person that comes near them because they might get told on for shooting and killing other members. The whole thing escalates obviously until the shooter itches his head with his gun, in disbelief that they cannot find the exit to get away...when doing this he accidentally shoots himself through the head.

Thus ends the skit. As you can see, it's fairly controversial but...I don't know...the controversy that it could create is kind of why I like it...

Deep.

This may be the lamest joke of all time but it just came into my head so...here it is.

"Out of sight, out of mind. But my brain is out of sight, and yet my mind is...woah. Deep."

It's not even really a joke. More of a mindfuck.

Better Looking Than God

No matter who you are, this is something that has been weighing on my mind. People often talk about the fact they have put on some weight or they think they are ugly but at the end of the day, if you want me to make you feel better, I can.

I shall do this by simply pointing out that you, all of you (well maybe not you...) are better looking than God. It's true. And I'm not just saying that because God is thousands of years old and that's bound to take its toll, I am saying it in the sense that you are all better looking than God when God was in his prime.

And this is why.

God made man in his own image. He did. We all know that. Now I don't know how many of you have seen any of those caveman documentaries but they are pretty ugly beings. And I by pretty ugly, I mean horrendous. An this is what God looked like if he made man in his own image. There's a reason the phrase 'God awful' exists and this is why.

So if you are having a bad hair day or whatever, just console yourself with the feeling that you are better looking than God and you also never wasted your time inventing the panda.

The Dentist and My First Dead Tooth

Today I visited the dentist for...about the eighth time in 4 months. To be fair it was the first time in 3 months but the month previous to that was a hectic one. Nobody should be able to banter with their dentist and remember last time you met. This is because most dentist's advise a 6 month check-up. Well, my dentist knows me now. To the extent where he looked pleased to see me when I walked in and asked how I was since a couple of months ago. He never used to remember me and that's the way it should be. But now I swear we are only a few more meetings away from going out for a drink.

This, I think, is how cancer patients must begin to feel when they keep having to go and see the same doctor. I doubt it's the cancer that actually kills them but the depression from being such friendly mates with someone who they shouldn't know that well. Or maybe I'm just cynical. Well, I am cynical but I still think I'm onto something here.

Anyway, I was there to get the low down on my front tooth. The incisor if anyone remembers learning the actual name from old science lessons at school. This tooth has been a complete nuisance since the last dentist, who I won't name...because I don't know his name, screwed up the first filling. Now my friend Dr Deivis from Sweden has had to fix things. Only it hasn't gone according to plan with the next filling he put in falling out (those damned 20p sweet drumstick things), realising putting in a replacement could screw over an important nerve and so then going for a root canal instead. So far so good. What I didn't know is that even though you put in a filling as part of a root canal, the damned tooth can still die.

Which is what I learned today. Humbling news. My new best friend Deivis told me that my front right incisor is dead. The first part of me to die is my front right incisor. It never even reached 20. He told me that sometimes this can happen but the decay normally occurs over many months whereas this has been rather quick. I took that to mean that when I completely die in hopefully a lot of decades time, you'll only need to wait about six months or so before burying someone on top of me, such is my body's speed at decaying.

So now I am currently lugging around a dead piece of me forever more. Apparently it will need to be whitened from the inside and this should last 7 or so years before I need it redone. Knowing my recent dental problems I'll be going back every year. This costs £120 by the way, yet the whole mouth can be done for £500. I don't really get this as if you get the whole mouth done, that's one hell of a discount. I contemplated it for a few moments before realising I wasn't yet ready to look like Simon Cowell or Richard Hammond when his had just been done on Top Gear.

So I am now booked in to have my tooth whitened and it apparently takes two, three or four sessions. The only problem is it's a dead tooth so why even bother? Why not just yank the fucker out and give me a new one? That'd be kind of funky. A great ice breaker at parties. "I have a false tooth" sounds a lot better than "I have a dead tooth." Better still, I should probably just avoid mentioning it entirely.

Anyway this is being written in memory of my dead tooth. We had some good times; discovering it really could hurt biting into an apple, that time when I got a brain freeze after chomping into an ice cream with you at the forefront of that discovery. Ahh...you shall not be forgotten. Not least because I'll be lugging you about the whole rest of my life anyway and you'll be having more money spent on you than the rest of my mouth combined most likely. Even though you're dead. Ludicrous.

Henry Fosdike's Top Right Incisor. R.I.P 1990-2009/2010? (Can't really be too sure when it died)