Well here's an idea I have been thinking about for a while...and a few times I have actually mentioned it in conversation, people seem to agree and if they don't, well, they still seem to laugh anyway.
The problem I have is a simple one. I walk everywhere. That doesn't sound like a huge problem but it really is. And this is why.
When I walk down the street and I see someone of...say, a different ethnicity, I am not entirely sure what to do. They are walking towards me and I am therefore, fairly obviously walking towards them. The problem I have, is that I have no idea where to look. If I look at them, I presume they are thinking "Why the fuck is he looking at me? Racist motherfucker." Whereas if I then look away to rectify this situation, I think they are wondering why I am not looking at them. "What's so bad about me that he can't even look at me? Racist motherfucker." It's a conundrum.
Obviously, my problem is not limited to skin type. It also happens if I am walking towards a group of girls, to be honest, just one girl. No matter how attractive they are. If they are not exactly God's finest work, I think looking away will make them feel bad, however if I look at them they may think I am perving on them. Yes, even if they are so unattractive it actually stings my eyes to look at them. but I'm a nice guy so the whole looking away to lower their moral thing really does bother me. Now, if it's an attractive female, then looking at them clearly indicates I am a pervert, and looking away will just make them question why I am looking away, lead to an unnecessary diet, which in turn leads to anorexia and death before the age of 30. And it'd all be my fault. Don't even get me started on the non-Caucasian female members of the species. In theory, they should cancel each other out but if anything it makes it worse.
Okay so that covers differing skin colour to me and differing gender to me. You may think that covers everything. Not a chance. Midgets are problematic. Or dwarfs? What do they like to be called? I have no idea. Anyway, it makes no difference - they are an absolute nightmare to come across when walking down the street. For one, you may not even see them until you are tripping over them. Just kidding. But with them, I don't know where to look. I could look at them, but they'd just presume I'm looking at them because of their height or lack thereof. Touché. Or I can look away, but again, they may think I am looking away because I don't want to look. Which is kind of the point. But why shouldn't I want to look? They are human after all. If I look away they may think I am not looking because I don't feel comfortable looking at them. You see my point. Pretty much all people labelled as disabled are hard to deal with for this very reason. Except blind people, as they wouldn't be able to see whether you are looking at them or not. Actually, with blind people you need to follow a different set of rule which is simply watch out for that pesky fucking stick. Trust me, it hurts.
You may think that is all. But nope. Bring in the police force. If I see the police walking towards me, I get so unbelievably nervous. It really is unbelievable. Basically because I haven't done anything wrong every time I see them. I am like, "Shit! A police officer. Act natural." Now, I don't do drugs so if they searched me I'd be fine. Yet, I am always nervous. Problem is, how does one act natural? Do I look them in the eye as I walk past? Is that natural? I remember I once averted my eyes and whistled. Actually whistled. Like the characters in cartoons do if they have acted suspiciously. Somehow thinking whistling makes you instantly on the straight and narrow. Is looking at police suspicious? Or do they think it's suspicious if you look away? The mind boggles.
Maybe I am over analysing everything but imagine for a moment I turn the corner of my road and see an Oriental female police officer with a height deficiency. What the heck would I do then? I honestly don't know. I could pretty much do anything though as I doubt she'd be able to catch me up...
Or maybe I should just buy a car?
Monday, 26 October 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Theme Parks
Here's a bizarre though I had today.
Why is it that when you are about 9 or 10 and you are on a day out at the theme park with your family, you are desperate to be tall enough for the rides? Even going so far as to fully extend your back to be the desired 140 or 150 cm.
There is a reason that the minimum height for the ride is that measurement. Because that's the safe height. The height where you won't die.
So what kids are effectively doing, as they fight for the right to goooooo die! (Random Beastie boys reference...) is running to the ruler and basically saying, "Please, I want to put my life in danger, for the sake of a cheap thrill."
The best bit about this is that parents don't really seem to care. "Fuck it, that's less weight in the back of the car when we're driving home." I remember my Dad used to just give me the benefit of the doubt. I didn't even have to go up to the ruler. "Yeah, you're probably tall enough." Cheers, Dad.
It's only when you get on these rides, as a 9 or 10 year old, whizzing around at breakneck speed or stopping just short of a vertical drop for pure excitement, that you begin to reassess. "Hmm...maybe it would have been better if I wasn't 150...AAAARGH!"
My brothers used to do the whole no hands thing. Specially for the camera. some kind of "Yeah, no hands!" thing. Yeah, try no seatbelt, bitches, then let's see who'll be smiling. Also, and this is probably another reason why no hands on a ride annoys me, is that the first time I tried it, I happened to be sitting next to someone whose right hand was...well...it wasn't there. I felt like a bit of a dick when I realised, as I had been waving my hands all over the place like some sort of amateur magician.
I remember on Tidal Wave at Thorpe Park, we were allowed to set off before my Dad has actually put the long metal bar locked in place. That would have been interesting hurtling down that ride. Our mangled bodies creating a mixture of water, blood and loose limbs flying towards the assembled public. Luckily, my Dad got the bar in place and all was good. Happy memories. Unfortunately, the people behind us weren't so lucky and they all died.
But we survived, so, y'know...every cloud and all that.
Why is it that when you are about 9 or 10 and you are on a day out at the theme park with your family, you are desperate to be tall enough for the rides? Even going so far as to fully extend your back to be the desired 140 or 150 cm.
There is a reason that the minimum height for the ride is that measurement. Because that's the safe height. The height where you won't die.
So what kids are effectively doing, as they fight for the right to goooooo die! (Random Beastie boys reference...) is running to the ruler and basically saying, "Please, I want to put my life in danger, for the sake of a cheap thrill."
The best bit about this is that parents don't really seem to care. "Fuck it, that's less weight in the back of the car when we're driving home." I remember my Dad used to just give me the benefit of the doubt. I didn't even have to go up to the ruler. "Yeah, you're probably tall enough." Cheers, Dad.
It's only when you get on these rides, as a 9 or 10 year old, whizzing around at breakneck speed or stopping just short of a vertical drop for pure excitement, that you begin to reassess. "Hmm...maybe it would have been better if I wasn't 150...AAAARGH!"
My brothers used to do the whole no hands thing. Specially for the camera. some kind of "Yeah, no hands!" thing. Yeah, try no seatbelt, bitches, then let's see who'll be smiling. Also, and this is probably another reason why no hands on a ride annoys me, is that the first time I tried it, I happened to be sitting next to someone whose right hand was...well...it wasn't there. I felt like a bit of a dick when I realised, as I had been waving my hands all over the place like some sort of amateur magician.
I remember on Tidal Wave at Thorpe Park, we were allowed to set off before my Dad has actually put the long metal bar locked in place. That would have been interesting hurtling down that ride. Our mangled bodies creating a mixture of water, blood and loose limbs flying towards the assembled public. Luckily, my Dad got the bar in place and all was good. Happy memories. Unfortunately, the people behind us weren't so lucky and they all died.
But we survived, so, y'know...every cloud and all that.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Here's something I was thinking about the other day. I was doing some vague wikipedia-based learning and happened to click on the link for David Carradine, Bill in the Kill Bill films. Presumably you know, but if you don't he died recently from the classic death of autoerotic asphyxiation.
For those of you who don't know, autoerotic asphyxiation is, in the most basic terms, essentially achieving a better orgasm by cutting off the Oxygen supply to the brain. Now, one way men do this, if you wanted to try it out, is by putting a noose round your neck casually, then putting a sliced orange in your mouth, wanking like a monkey at the same time as increasing the pressure against your neck from the noose and THEN, as you are passing out, you bite the orange in your mouth to wake yourself up from this state. Satisfaction achieved!
Now, if this DOESN'T happen. And you find the orange slips from your mouth due to your focusing on the intense masturbation, or if you forget the orange entirely, or you slip from the bed entirely and actually hang yourself for real, then this can cause your death and the worst final image your wife or mother will ever have of you upon returning home with the shopping.
"Hi Dear...WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Now, I don't know about you but I struggle to think of the exact moment and man masturbates and thinks to himself, "You know, this just isn't working for me like I wanted it to." He then WAITS for himself to be home alone, unless you really want to ramp up the danger by doing it in a packed house. Imagine the confusion there!
"Honey what the fuck are you doing?!"
"Ah..I was just...checking the lightbulb, and took off my tie...to...and I did it all whilst eating an orange...naked."
It wouldn't work.
So anyway, these people wait for people to leave before thinking, "Fucking yes! Time for my crazy wank!" Most guys watch porn, bish bash bosh, game over, kill time until people return. But these guys, they kind of notice that they have a free house and think to themselves, "Today, I'm going to go that bit further and fulfil my masturbatory needs." I don't know at what point they think of this method. Do they catch a glimpse of the fruitbowl when feeling amorous? Do they take off their tie after a hard day at work, notice the light, look back to the tie, and rub their chin thoughtfully? I just don't know.
But this does happen! And at first I thought through what they must think before doing it, but then what about the self-hate you send yourself afterwards. Normally, you think, "Oh I shouldn't have done that..I am evil, never again...degrading these women..." and then find yourself in the same position 24 hours later. Now these blokes, they must hang themselves with the tie, cut the orange, put it in the mouth, get naked, ASSUME THE POSITION!, realise you haven't pressed play on the porn video, get down from the bed complete with orange in mouth (trying not to bite!), back to bed, ASSUME THE POSITION!, wank like a gibbon, almost pass out, bite the orange, wake the fuck up, come to ...err...completion...
And then what? You are just hanging there! Naked, limp...the thoughts that must run through your mind at that moment. How feeble and vulnerable must you feel? Then your phone might vibrate.
"Hello? Oh Hi Mum...Yer I'm a bit busy at the moment..."
So, next time your flatmate or wife or girlfriend is wondering what to do with their leftover fruit in the fruitbowl...just have a think.
For those of you who don't know, autoerotic asphyxiation is, in the most basic terms, essentially achieving a better orgasm by cutting off the Oxygen supply to the brain. Now, one way men do this, if you wanted to try it out, is by putting a noose round your neck casually, then putting a sliced orange in your mouth, wanking like a monkey at the same time as increasing the pressure against your neck from the noose and THEN, as you are passing out, you bite the orange in your mouth to wake yourself up from this state. Satisfaction achieved!
Now, if this DOESN'T happen. And you find the orange slips from your mouth due to your focusing on the intense masturbation, or if you forget the orange entirely, or you slip from the bed entirely and actually hang yourself for real, then this can cause your death and the worst final image your wife or mother will ever have of you upon returning home with the shopping.
"Hi Dear...WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Now, I don't know about you but I struggle to think of the exact moment and man masturbates and thinks to himself, "You know, this just isn't working for me like I wanted it to." He then WAITS for himself to be home alone, unless you really want to ramp up the danger by doing it in a packed house. Imagine the confusion there!
"Honey what the fuck are you doing?!"
"Ah..I was just...checking the lightbulb, and took off my tie...to...and I did it all whilst eating an orange...naked."
It wouldn't work.
So anyway, these people wait for people to leave before thinking, "Fucking yes! Time for my crazy wank!" Most guys watch porn, bish bash bosh, game over, kill time until people return. But these guys, they kind of notice that they have a free house and think to themselves, "Today, I'm going to go that bit further and fulfil my masturbatory needs." I don't know at what point they think of this method. Do they catch a glimpse of the fruitbowl when feeling amorous? Do they take off their tie after a hard day at work, notice the light, look back to the tie, and rub their chin thoughtfully? I just don't know.
But this does happen! And at first I thought through what they must think before doing it, but then what about the self-hate you send yourself afterwards. Normally, you think, "Oh I shouldn't have done that..I am evil, never again...degrading these women..." and then find yourself in the same position 24 hours later. Now these blokes, they must hang themselves with the tie, cut the orange, put it in the mouth, get naked, ASSUME THE POSITION!, realise you haven't pressed play on the porn video, get down from the bed complete with orange in mouth (trying not to bite!), back to bed, ASSUME THE POSITION!, wank like a gibbon, almost pass out, bite the orange, wake the fuck up, come to ...err...completion...
And then what? You are just hanging there! Naked, limp...the thoughts that must run through your mind at that moment. How feeble and vulnerable must you feel? Then your phone might vibrate.
"Hello? Oh Hi Mum...Yer I'm a bit busy at the moment..."
So, next time your flatmate or wife or girlfriend is wondering what to do with their leftover fruit in the fruitbowl...just have a think.
Sunday, 11 October 2009
One Liners
I can never think of anything to write. Well, not long stand up based things recently, anyway.
So here are a whole load of one-liners I wrote over a year ago...
What will it say on Judi Dench's gravestone when she dies? Boney M
Do you know what really annoys me? People getting annoyed about trivial things.
I was giving a dog a bone the other day...think about it...Well Gran didn't need it anymore.
"You've got to be cruel to be kind" No you fucking don't.
Why did the suicide bomber cross the road? Why would I know, I didn't follow him.
If you posted a book of stamps with no address where would they end up? More importantly, how fast would they get there?
When the Queen sings the national anthem, does she change the lyrics to suit herself?
Why is Superman known as Superman? We know he's super; he's a man.
How do trenches get dug in warfare? In WW1 did the two countries arrive a week before fighting was due to start and just dig? "'Allo!" "Hi! Here for the war?" "Ja!" "One week, I'll getcha!" *mimic machine gun/laugh* "Aha...one week, one week."
What must have gone through the mind of Hitler's hairdresser as he cut his hair? "Ooh sorry I seem to have cut into your skin a bit there." Hmm... *snip snip*
I met a genie once and he said "I grant you one wish." I wished for a 1000 more wishes. He said "Granted but you can't use them because I only offered you one wish you greedy self-interested bastard."
I rubbed a lamp the other day and a genie came out. He said, "I'm free! For this I grant you one wish!" I thought long and hard and eventually said "I wish this lamp and the contents of it went back to how I found it ten minutes ago." The genie got back inside. It made me laugh, I'm harsh like that.
My mum thinks I don't eat enough. I tell her, "I'm thinking about the Ethiopians mum, they'd kill for the food I've got." Actually, no, thinking about it now they wouldn't kill for it would they? They haven't got the muscle strength to back up their punches. That's a vicious cycle.
How is Aids so rife in Africa? What is it they find so attractive about each other? "Ooh he looks nice." "Very boney" "Ooh yes but I love a bit of bone, I love to hear them creak." OR "He looks nice doesn't he?" "Ooh yes, look at that fly on his lower lip. I'd love to kiss that. He wears that fly so fashionably."
How do we know pet food tastes like it says? "Martin! Taste that." "Chicken-y" "Yeah that's what we wanted." "Kind of crunchy though." "Well it is pet food Martin. What about this one?" "Beef?" "Excellent and this one?" "Eww what the fuck is that? That is vile! What flavour is that meant to be?" "That's our [insert unpopular celeb here] flavour..."
I wrote a book once. Apparently it was too unrealistic to ever get published. It was about [insert news item here]. It'll never happen apparently. Ever.
Why do we play those 2p machines in arcades? Everyone I know hates 2p's. Everyone hates loose change. I offer mine around, nobody wants them, even tramps and charities frown at me. But stick them in a machine and everyone wants them! You waste a quid trying to get yourself some more loose change. And you never do. It's a waste of your time! But sometime you look at that chuppa-chup in your hand and you think, "Yeah, that was time well spent."
Have you ever been told by someone that stamps are legal tender? Yeah but what kind of a dick pays a bus driver in stamps? It's like saying a midget is a person; it's a half truth.
So here are a whole load of one-liners I wrote over a year ago...
What will it say on Judi Dench's gravestone when she dies? Boney M
Do you know what really annoys me? People getting annoyed about trivial things.
I was giving a dog a bone the other day...think about it...Well Gran didn't need it anymore.
"You've got to be cruel to be kind" No you fucking don't.
Why did the suicide bomber cross the road? Why would I know, I didn't follow him.
If you posted a book of stamps with no address where would they end up? More importantly, how fast would they get there?
When the Queen sings the national anthem, does she change the lyrics to suit herself?
Why is Superman known as Superman? We know he's super; he's a man.
How do trenches get dug in warfare? In WW1 did the two countries arrive a week before fighting was due to start and just dig? "'Allo!" "Hi! Here for the war?" "Ja!" "One week, I'll getcha!" *mimic machine gun/laugh* "Aha...one week, one week."
What must have gone through the mind of Hitler's hairdresser as he cut his hair? "Ooh sorry I seem to have cut into your skin a bit there." Hmm... *snip snip*
I met a genie once and he said "I grant you one wish." I wished for a 1000 more wishes. He said "Granted but you can't use them because I only offered you one wish you greedy self-interested bastard."
I rubbed a lamp the other day and a genie came out. He said, "I'm free! For this I grant you one wish!" I thought long and hard and eventually said "I wish this lamp and the contents of it went back to how I found it ten minutes ago." The genie got back inside. It made me laugh, I'm harsh like that.
My mum thinks I don't eat enough. I tell her, "I'm thinking about the Ethiopians mum, they'd kill for the food I've got." Actually, no, thinking about it now they wouldn't kill for it would they? They haven't got the muscle strength to back up their punches. That's a vicious cycle.
How is Aids so rife in Africa? What is it they find so attractive about each other? "Ooh he looks nice." "Very boney" "Ooh yes but I love a bit of bone, I love to hear them creak." OR "He looks nice doesn't he?" "Ooh yes, look at that fly on his lower lip. I'd love to kiss that. He wears that fly so fashionably."
How do we know pet food tastes like it says? "Martin! Taste that." "Chicken-y" "Yeah that's what we wanted." "Kind of crunchy though." "Well it is pet food Martin. What about this one?" "Beef?" "Excellent and this one?" "Eww what the fuck is that? That is vile! What flavour is that meant to be?" "That's our [insert unpopular celeb here] flavour..."
I wrote a book once. Apparently it was too unrealistic to ever get published. It was about [insert news item here]. It'll never happen apparently. Ever.
Why do we play those 2p machines in arcades? Everyone I know hates 2p's. Everyone hates loose change. I offer mine around, nobody wants them, even tramps and charities frown at me. But stick them in a machine and everyone wants them! You waste a quid trying to get yourself some more loose change. And you never do. It's a waste of your time! But sometime you look at that chuppa-chup in your hand and you think, "Yeah, that was time well spent."
Have you ever been told by someone that stamps are legal tender? Yeah but what kind of a dick pays a bus driver in stamps? It's like saying a midget is a person; it's a half truth.
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