Pavement Walking

We've all done it. You leave the house, do a right and walk along the pavement and see someone coming the other way. And you know instantly what will happen. You are both walking in the centre of the pavement - avoiding branches on one side, the road on the other. Both very sensible positions, until you meet. From about ten metres apart you realise the problem - carry on like this and you'll surely bump into each other. So you both start swaying form one way to the other trying to second guess the other person. Whilst doing this you continue moving forward. Just to add to the thrill, I guess. Will we manage it before we hit each other? Sometiems, the answer is yes. Other times it is not and you couldn't feel more like a failure of a human being if you tried. Oh the shame! Oh! The shame!

Stay calm. You both stop. then sway on the spot. Smiling. Always smiling. You continue saying 'you're a twat' over and over again in your head. Unsure whther you are aiming it at them or yourself. Then one of you takes the courage to stop. The other watches this, still swaying. They stop and decide yes, I shall take the left. And for some indefinable reason, the person who was still swaying suddenly decides that no, they want the left too. So you both stop on the left. You look at each other again and sway to the right. Both of you. One person holds their ground, the other weakens and goes for the left again. Then you both walk on. Smiling and apologising as you pass. Both of you acknowledging you are a failure as a human being. Promising to never again indulge in such tomfoolery. Ultimately swearing never again to be such a tool. Such an absolute idiot. And then you wonder...did I lock the door when I left?

General Knowledge

I'm good with general knowledge. I am. It's mostly useless stuff but I seem to have a knack for remembering it. I say useless...a friend told me that it's really very useful for any pub quizzes I happen to do. Which is true. Who knows, maybe one day I'll go for broke and get onto 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' and end up winning a million pounds.

They'll ask me how I managed it at such a young age and I shall reply that it was destiny. Only minor problem is that if it is my destiny it makes for a much less interesting film than Slumdog Millionaire - the reveal of how i know every answer will just be me at various stages of my life, bored, alone and scrolling through Wikipedia. Naturally I'm very embarrassed about this geeky side to me so whenever anybody happens to ask what I do when I'm home alone and bored whilst surfing the internet, I tell them I'm wanking. Potential embarrassing situation - averted!

Washing Up

When my Mum does the washing up and people say do I not care, why am I not helping, etc. I'm not sure they see the full picture. I do care, just not enough to help out.

Girlfriend and the Internet

So, some older people don't seem to understand that relationships can form through the internet, that for some reason it's difficult to forge a meaningful partnership with someone through the internet without meeting face to face. They also claim it's scary - what kind of odd and bizarre people do you get online? But with the advent of social networks and instant messengers I don't subscribe to this view. I mean I met my girlfriend through the internet. She doesn't yet know she's my girlfriend...

Tickets and Tours

I don't know about you, but it really annoys me when yu visit a band or comedian's website and their tour dates proudly proclaim that they are 'Coming soon to a town near you!'. I have two problems with this. firstly, London isn't a town and secondly, it's nowhere near me.

On the odd occasion a tour does come nearby, you get shafted for tickets anyway. Who knows what a booking fee is really for? YOu never pay it if you buy from the venue in person, but for booking over the internet it seems you pay 2 quid for the computer to save the fact yu are going. Which you probably put in motion by booking it yourself.

now the booking fee has been around for a while, and sometimes it rounds off the price nicely - 13 up to 15, 18 up to 20, etc. But then you click to the next page and there is a handling charge. A what? Yes, a handling charge. You get charged for someone pressing print and handling the tickets into an envelope. 2 quid! For that! It's clearly their bloody job to do that. It's expected. What if there was a handling charge in a supermarket?

"Yeah, I served you today, that's 2 quid on top of what you should pay..."

Still here

It seems Glastonbury and the recovery from said festival have stopped me from posting. But I have thought of ideas I could develop recently.

Notably:
King Kong Ping Pong - whacking a velociraptor around. The logistics, etc.
PETA and the Wolf - New version of the fairytale, with no ovious deaths to anything or anyone.
Mocking dull games like flight and rail simulators...obvious really.

And err...probably more but I forget to write them down.