BC to AD

This is a very old idea I have had for sometime. I remember I once watched Eddie Izzard and thought, "Ah bastard! He has nicked my joke...that I came up with about ten years after him." But he hadn't. He missed it's real opportunity. That's right, I am lecturing Eddie Izzard, my favourite comedian, in his own game.

This is the point that I'd like to raise. We are all aware, are we not, that Christmas Day falls on the 25th December, the day that with science or not, we typically accept as the day that Jesus was born. Now in the same sort of way, the 1st of January is as everyone also acknowledges, the start of a New Year. A new beginning.

Now, before Jesus was born, the years are known as BC and after his birth, they skip to AD. We all know that. Nobody knows what Ano Domini means but we all know it means after Jesus was born. why use English beforehand and then Latin after? Weird.

So anyway, before Jesus everyone obviously knows it's BC. After Jesus, AD. The problem is that there is a whole week between Jesus being born and a new year starting. So what the hell did they do there?

"Have you heard? Yeah man, we're no longer BC! Jesus has been born! Christ is here!"
"As sweet, so Ano Domini can kick off, yeah?"
"Err...I-I don't know, actually...I mean there's still another week to go..."

So what did they do? In my mind I like to imagine that they called that one week the BAD week. Before AD. And everyone went round thinking they were cool as hell. They were all BAD. Oh yeah.

However I also like to think they were just ABC, After Before Christ, just to confuse the slightly slower kids and also aiding them with their alphabet. A cruel double edge sword.

"Wait a second...after...before...Christ?"
"Yeah."
"Well that makes no sense at all. The B isn't needed."
"No, but then your alphabet wouldn't work. And it would be called an alphaet."
"I am so confused."
"Yes, well maybe you should stick to just chewing the lego."

Another thing that came out of this of course was the fact someone had to decide how to divide up the two years. Let's be honest I doubt people were counting down the days until 'BC' was over. I doubt anyone was even referring to it in that way. So someone's job must have been to split them up.

"What you doing Dad?"
"Oh, I'm just dividing up the years. From before Christ to After Christ."
"Oh okay. Cool. So what have you gone for?"
"Well I thought, 'BC' for 'Before Christ' and then 'AC' for 'After Christ', you see?"
"Why've you written AD then?"
"I haven't written A- ah shit...grab the Latin book."

The Winter Collection

Here's something I have been meaning to blog for a while.

'The winter collection'.

'The winter collection' is something I generally attribute to things like furniture - "It's part of our Winter collection" or clothes - "This beautiful sleek silver dress is part of our Winter collection." hat I would not attribute a phrase like Winter collection to, is something which I have found it printed upon.

Are you ready for this? Toilet roll. That's middle class if you're wondering. the working class call is bog roll, the upper classes maybe toilet paper and the full on royalty are the only ones who call it by what it says on the packet - toilet tissue. "It's like tissue for the nose, but for the rectal passage, Charles." "Wow, Camilla, we can now dispense with young Jennings and his bare hand. How marvellous."

Anyway, yes, Andrex have released their seasonal toilet paper, sorry, toilet tissue, and they have called it 'The Winter Collection'. What makes it a part of 'The Winter collection' I presume, are the snowflakes that are printed upon every sheet. Now I appreciate this new design, right up until I wipe my shit-stained ass with it.

So really Andrex, next time you're planning on releasing 'The Spring collection' with lambs prancing all over it, I urge you, if only to save some money, to reconsider.

Harsh Joke

Here's a harsh joke I came up with earlier, regarding the man who is to be executed in China in...well, less than 24 hours time.

"Akmal Shaikh is apparently 'very upset' about being told he is to be executed tomorrow morning. That's got to be understatement of the year. Shame he won't be around long enough to find out..."

It's probably the harshest thing I have ever written...hmm.

Tiger Woods

So Tiger Woods has got himself into a bit of a kerfuffle seemingly. And now he is taking a break from golf as a result of his infidelity. I wonder what he'll do with all that free time on his hands now? Hmm...

But it has got me thinking, since he won't be playing golf next year, what will the annual Tiger Woods game be like for the PS3, Wii, 360, etc? Presumably you'll get to play the role of Woods as usual, but it'll turn a bit like Grand Theft Auto. Smashing your car into trees, attack with golf clubs and obviously cruising for hookers.

Sounds like a best seller to me.