Stairs

And so you reach the stairs. Every persons approach to the stairs is slightly different but we all kind of feel that they are a challenge which we must conquer. There’s the whole feeling that you are a mountaineer and they are Everest. No? Just me then. But either way, nobody just walks up stairs. Why walk when you can run? Why run, when you can go up using your hands, as many people did as children and a few adults still do now. Not all the time, not when at a party but occasionally, when alone. Foot, foot, hand, hand. And go! What a feeling! And it’s faster too isn’t it? Why do we walk or jog up so civilised when you can spider your way up. This is the future! Then your partner returns home and all is forgotten.

But it’s not really forgotten, you just scale it back somewhat. Okay, so you can’t walk up the stairs using the spider method but you can still make it exciting. Each stair is probably measured precisely, to make it easier for us to ascend to the next level. But no. We don’t like that. Many take stairs two at a time. Oh yes. Then three at a time if you are up to it. And the most ambitious are four stair people. Oh yeah. Scale up to the next floor in just four or five steps. Beat that girlfriend. And although you don’t say it, it’s obvious you are thinking it as the smile is so wide. Then you realise it’s an achievement to be kept to yourself and nobody will ever know what you have achieved. So you’ll make them realise. By doing a five step wonder.

The five step wonder. Many of you will have attempted it. Maybe not with an audience as it takes some doing. Five steps. In one go. Possibly up to the second floor in just three steps. Imagine that. It’s a legend of the stairs. Some who have attempted succeed. Others...their trousers don’t survive the attempt. Or worse, you fall when doing it. This is worse in public but you can often attempt to disguise it as though you slipped. But even then you feel like an idiot because what kind of moron slips on stairs? There are loads of them to hit! And you miss every single one? Oh the embarrassment.

If you do slip for real, chances are you stub your toe. Now coupling that with missing a step. Well, you have entered a whole new league of embarrassment for yourself. There is now quite as depressing as watching somebody wince having stubbed their toe. Misjudgement. Bam. Instant pain. The only thing that probably rivals a stubbed toe is a paper cut. But a stubbed toe on the stairs? Nothing rivals it. Not even eyelash in the eye. Because you still have to get down or scale the stairs. And you are in pain! So the three steps if you’re a three stepper become two steps. A two stepper – the most common stepper stair scaler (yes there’s a name for it) has to go down to one. And God, do you feel foolish for that.

Luckily, if you are in public, there are alternatives. The lift? Perhaps not, what with the ‘please only used if disabled’ sign. But it’s already been built. And it is there. And there is nobody with a wheelchair in sight. Hmm. You do have morals. As you way up the pro’s and con’s of using a lift, you see it. The escalator. Hooray! Stairs but no effort involved. You approach like you would the stairs, and then you’re gone. Up, up, up. Some idiots still insist on walking up or down these things when they move for you. I mean why would they? And then you think to yourself. Ooh hang on a second. Could I get down the up escalator if I run really fast? Or vice versa? This thought runs through your brain...then you realise as we all have, that you are an adult and should get a life. So you walk on.

Being careful to avoid any cracks in the pavements...